Vague Memories of Cans of Cambodia Beer, Dick Showers, and Other Adventures From My Hammock By Bayon

     I returned to Cambodia in April of 2015 to try to find a new path and see if there was a way I could use my moderately well educated mind to earn a living by new means rather than breaking my back, watching my hands turn to stone building shit for rich people or serving drinks and eats as I had done for most of my adult life after college. More on that another time.  With humble savings, hard earned after returning to the U.S. after my first trip to SE Asia, I would live in Cambodia, a country I fell in love with after only a day within its borders back in 2013. 

     I was reconnecting with some friends I made on my first trip, both locals and expats and enjoying finally being back after almost a year of returning to my life of servitude without doing much else other than work, eat burritos (you can't get a decent burrito in Asia), and spending time with family. Friends in the states often asked why I'm not out and about, or going to this or that concert anymore, or why I severely limited my day to day budget not knowing that for the cost of a night out in the U.S., I could live happily for a week easy in Siem Reap. It only made sense to save every bit I could and only allow myself those precious few moments with friends when getting together was the actual goal, rather than 'going out' and getting drunk, eating out, and spending the money I was desperately trying to save. Dinner parties, sure, a picnic in the park playing frisbee with a few friends, a drive over the hills to the sea with a partner in crime; sure. But most other activities were out of my self imposed budget. Wow, I really am rambling here. I'll get to the goods...

     So Khmer New Year was just beginning when I returned, and for those who have never been to Cambodia during their New Year, let's just say it's an amazing experience.  A time when most people who work so hard all year are partying, drinking, and eating all the time, celebrating all the blessings in their lives regardless how few they may be. Cambodians are truly a very special people. So after one day biking solo to my favorite temple, Bayon, and reclining in my hammock in my favorite spot, I headed back to town to seek out my friends. So good to be back... I briefly got online and I saw on Facebook that a badass woman named Mia I met in Vietnam a year and a half before is seemingly (by one of her posts) also in Siem Reap so I sent her a message. She had a boyfriend when I met her and I had no designs on her other than that she was a badass and figured it would be cool to catch up. She was living in Phnom Penh (the capital of Cambodia) and was on holiday before returning to the states for a high end chef job. 

      We made plans to meet up for drinks at what we called the 'Laundry- the best bar in Siem Reap' which was just that, a simple Khmer market and family laundry that cleans clothes for the tourists who stayed in the guest houses nearby, and where several Tuk-Tuk drivers I knew would hang out and drink beers after driving tourists around the temples all day. Spirits were high, and though low season was around the corner (which means less work, money, for the many Tuk-Tuk drivers in town) it was New Year, and everyone was ready to have some fun. Mia and I caught up. She told me why it ended with the former boyfriend, and shared funny stories of traveling, and expat life. The small talk one makes when you barely know each other, but feel a camaraderie and are proceeding to get wasted.  So after six or seven cans of Cambodia beer, we decided to move the party to Sensibaibai 5, a Khmer beer garden just down the street. At this point we were rolling about twelve people deep and laughing and singing and hugs all around. 

     What I didn't know was that she had been drinking for about 24 hours straight save for a few hours early that morning as she passed out at her 'Boutique' hotel. We quickly smashed five towers of beer and as we ate and discussed our next move, it became apparent that Mia was on her last gasp, nodding in and out of consciousness as the party swarmed around her. I asked her is she would like to get home and sleep and she blurted out vaguely, almost incoherent, "Fuck yeah, if I could remember where it was..." My good friend Reece who had been living in town for several years began what seemed almost an interrogation about details as she kept dancing the tight-rope of celebratory drunkenness and absolute futility. "What's it called? How far did you ride to get to the Laundry? Do you know which direction?", he asked.  "Its a Boutique Hotel... Something something Angkor..." She mustered. Which is useless for even the most knowledgeable drivers in town as most newer guest houses now are called those names in varied order. "Is it by the river?" He was trying valiantly, hardly knowing her, but sensing she was cool, and in need of rest. On and on it went until she suddenly blurted out "dick showers!" I laughed thinking this is ridiculous and almost started to panic realizing that while we weren't in any danger, she was definitely on her last leg and needed a safe haven quick, and some water. I was just getting started. Reece, to my amazement replied, "Did you say dick showers?" "Yeah! Dick showers!" Mia exclaimed. "I think I know where you mean" said Reece. I didn't know what to make of this, other that it made me laugh as a drunk does, but really wanting to get her home safe I asked Reece what the hell were dick showers. He told me it was a long story (as you may be feeling right now) and that a lady friend of his visited and stayed in a Boutique Hotel something, and they had dick showers, and how many dick showers could there be in town? We laughed and he explained that he remembered it being down passed Wat Damnak and they had these showers where the shower head was a meter long Lingam sticking out of the wall surrounded by a Yoni. "Yes! Yes!" Mia shouted. 

     So we parted ways, me telling Reece and all the guys, "I'll call you in a bit", and I helped Mia across the street where I flagged down what appeared to be the last sober Tuk-Tuk driver in town. I told him passed Wat Damnak, and that he understood but I think that was about all as my Khmer is shit and his English was about the same. After driving around for twenty some odd minutes, Mia in and out of consciousness but trying heroically to not only be alert but see the passing blur of darkness, "there!" she suddenly yelled out, so loud it almost scared me, and we pulled over. After stumbling out and realizing it wasn't the place, we returned to the Tuk-Tuk and went on. I'm sure he was sick of us but after one more of the same, the third time was the charm and we found it- finally. We jumped out and I let out a resounding "Hallelujah!", gave the driver a $10 bill and thanked him, "Arkun!" He smiled and drove off into the night. After navigating the lobby to a staircase and stumbling up she suddenly seemed to reawaken, turned a corner atop the stairs and fumbled for her keys. "Let's have a beer, you know, to celebrate" she said. I, unsure what to think as we didn't know each other well, but happy to have her home, and truly quite thirsty as the night was hot and humid said, "Why not."  We walked into what was probably the nicest room I had been in in Siem Reap. 

     She flipped on the light, switched on the A/C and like a Jedi grabbed two cans of Cambodia beers from the mini-fridge, handed me one, put on some industrial music on her laptop and lay on the bed, sighed and flashed a wry smile. We cracked the beers and began to chug. I realized right then that I hadn't pissed the whole night, and asked her if I could use the bathroom. "Of course. Thank You for getting me home. Check out the dick shower while you are in there!" I walked in, pissed like a race-horse and as I shook the last drips off looked around, and there it was. I laughed harder than I had in a long time. The now infamous dick shower. I returned to the room, where I found her unsurprisingly passed out on the bed. I took the mostly full can of beer from her hand, pulled the blankets over her and let myself out. Over the next few days we got to know each over many, many cans of Cambodia beer by day, and went out into the night with friends. By the third night, she asked me to stay and I did. We knew how to do that thing people do pretty well together and did it often. So much so it became our little inside joke for the end of the night. I would ask her, "Do you want to go home, have a dick shower, and then take a dick shower together?" And we laughed heartily like the only two people in the world.