On Again

I've been off
I can't ignore the signs
I don't want to sleep or shower
So I don't
for days
I sleep until I get sleep paralysis so I can force myself to start my day
I fantasize about ending my life
But it saddens me that living and dying are both fantasies in my head
I think it's healthy to say something when you feel it
So here it is
I want to die more often than not
Every year that goes by I feel like I'm just forcing or dragging myself through existence
And I get tired of it a lot
I feel nothing with a lingering of sadness
Every day
I have the choice of throwing myself over a car in a fast highway
Or anything else
To end me
But I can't stop thinking about how one's death just brings misery to others
My mom and dad have given everything they can for me
I am the fucking light of their eyes
And I couldn't bear causing them such pain for the rest of their lives
One thing's for sure
I never want to harm others
But I do it everyday
And I do it as much as I can
Because I just don't want to try anymore

I force myself to go out earlier and spend even more time on the streets
always seeking
I never want to go back to my bed because I end up sinking in it
Every weekend I lose my mind and my self into others
and it all starts again
every week
I go up and down in matter of days
I remember when I had a balance and a tough core to hold on to
I remember being even worse than this
I will remember this time because I'm writing it down here

It's healthy to not be okay
only if it's how you pull yourself back up again