Notes on what I struggle to say out loud

Calm
Is the first thing that comes to mind when I think of how I feel about you
Warmth
Is the first thing that comes to mind when I touch you somehow
Magnetic
Is how I can explain the phenomenon that surrounds us when we live through the same lens

There’s something I’m still trying to name
Because I’m always trying to name
Not to label
Not to set apart
But to leave my mark on as how I view the world
And that is what your smile ignites
It changes my life every time
It’s such a miraculous thing to witness

See, I don’t say this out loud
Cause I don’t want to sound too profound
I’ve written so much about how the details in people enlighten me
But I fear we are too close now
And I don’t want to show anything that can be taken out of context
Not more than what already might be
I fear I’ve put a barrier in front of myself now
Because I don’t want to lose a miracle
I don’t think it’s selfish I don’t want to lose the chance that I get now to admire your existence
But it sure is a coward thing not to love freely out of fear of the other person feeling saturated

What your smile makes me feel
Is the same thing a boy’s beautiful brown eyes make me feel
Is the same thing a girl’s perfect pale skin makes me feel
And the same thing another girl’s laugh makes me feel
And the same thing another boy’s embrace makes me feel
All these boys and girls are my friends
And they don’t know I can name details of them that give me life
Nobody knows there’s something in everyone I have a relationship with that inspires me to connect and create
Some of them are tired of hearing how much I “like this thing about them”
And some don’t know I like anything about them at all

The hardest thing for me to talk about is love
Because I feel it so hard and so much all the time
I feel so much for people already I’m afraid I’m gonna be getting anxiety attacks when I fall in love again
You got into my skin so deeply already
I’m afraid it’s too soon to love you in an unique way
That of course can’t be described
But I do
And it’s so unique I can’t understand it myself

Last but not least
I’m afraid you don’t know anyone who loves like this and take it the wrong way
A kiss from you makes me feel only comfortable to be kissing at all
And somehow I kept trying to feel lust
But none of the things that are supposed to make me feel
something I should be scared of work

What I feel for you works differently
Purely and miraculously
This doesn’t mean I don’t desire you
(Cause in a rather weird and unique way I do)
It means that just witnessing your true smile or spending time with you takes me light years further than what one would think should
More so
Than what you think should

If you ever feel like it
Let me know if you smiled.