Blindfolded

Probably the times I spend without writing are the scariest ones
When I can't finish an entry or a single thought
When words come to my mind so weak that I can't hold onto them to put them down somewhere
And then I stop seeing what I'm doing to myself
I've been hurting
Growing
Surviving
And of course getting distracted with people
As much as I can

I go through these spans of putting a blindfold over myself and keep waking
like I memorized how to do everything and I can still do it without seeing
Despite the black
These are also times of clarity
I do feel more at ease
Understanding more what I have to change
And change again
What I have to let go of again
It's hard to be so strong when you're battling against your (until now) worst, biggest battle
The battle that settles wether you keep going in life or not
The one you decided not to see for so many years until you were falling down a cliff so fast the blindfold slipped and you hit rock bottom
And decided to fight
Because it is to fight or to die

Nowadays I'm on a limbo
In the midst of the fight
Not understanding why I keep fighting anymore
There are days I get calls like shy whistles from the mothership
Telling me
Hey, this is the way, not that one you are stubbornly digging your feet on
But I'm too afraid to follow
Fear has taken over my life
It has morphed into anxiety

I am currently
Right in this moment
Throwing fists into the black
Fighting blindfolded
It feels so empty
And it hits back so hard
I get kicked down
Lose consciousness and stand up again
What's the point if I'm the one not letting me win by putting on a blindfold?
I've come to learn that no one
Can give someone else strength
And no one can destroy someone else
It is up to us what we let in and handle
It's up to us to fight
And to suffer

Knowing how to take care of myself so well it's like a double sided knife
I know how to be happy as much as I know how to be miserable
I know how to heal me as much as I know how to sabotage me
I've come to learn so much about me and people
At some point I wanted to unlearn it
Because it was too harsh to know so much so soon
And ever since I keep making mistakes I know too damn well
But that I haven't felt in flesh
Some things I thought I could never feel
Yet here I am asking myself why do I put my heart
And even my body
Through this and that

I am my own demon as much as I am my own savior
I've only seen long glimpses of my savior
And my demon has taken over for too long
I don't know the end of this
I just know I'm standing back up
Uncovering one eye
Seeing so much light it hurts
And adjusting it back in
I've wanted to get help
But I don't know when I'm actually going to reach for it
Until then
I keep writing my own way to therapy again