Fiction, my own protective shell, this is a story

It is a funny feeling to miss something you never had. Here I am sitting on a bench in an airport, understanding everything and nothing at the same time. It is like hell for me. Lucy would laugh, I never did believe in torture, but here I am, living life I despise and needing things that I hate.

I wonder often enough, why I decided to leave my home and come here? Is it really that bad that they need my help? Are my nerves and well being less important than them?

And I am getting lost again. My thoughts are jumbled, I am afraid, I may be getting depressed again, I am so afraid of that shit. And at the same time I just don't care and that is scary as hell. I feel the influences from others more and more, I am afraid I am going crazy. I sound incoherent even to myself.

The thing about the world around me is that I have always thought that there was something wrong in my head, I would see things that didn't make sense, I would have dreams that looked like reality. It would sometimes be hard to distinguish what was real and what was not. I didn't talk about it to anyone. I still haven't told anyone. But as the years go by my sanity seems to drift further and further away.

It would not all be so grim, but I was working with people who dealt with the same problems every day, I was putting myself right in the middle of my clouded judgment. Each day I was drifting further and further away from believing that this is the reality, each day I started to move into the other world, the one in my head. My life was becoming more and more like a dream and my dreams were the ones dictating what I believed.

I had studied mental illness all my life, to find a way to control what was going inside of me, but instead of controlling it, it was taking over me. I wasn't myself anymore, or maybe I was for the first time in my life. I wanted the other world, I believed it to be real. And I didn't have any proof that this airport I was in right now wasn't just a figment of my imagination.

I have no answers anymore, just the notion that I am where I am, I am in my own world with my own rules, there is not what was before, there is no straight lines and crushed dreams, I want to give in to what I should have a long time ago. But I can't. I have to fight and come back up, because there are so many counting on me and if I go, I will never forgive myself for letting the others down, I will never forgive myself for hurting the ones who love and care about me.

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A fictional story for a day that feels fictional for me, I know a little sad, but that is what my mind threw out,
Have a great day, week and life,
Linda