I Need You to Believe in Me. Especially when I lie.

(Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash)

I’m most scared of me, the times I say I don’t care
That’s when I’m honest: feeling broken and too lost to repair
No need to worry, I won’t give up on going on
To be happy is a choice, one I’m making every dawn
So please stop taking me, for the fool I once was
That girl has died. Stop letting her haunt me as a ghost from the past.

What is it you wanted me to say to you tonight?
That I know it’s pathetic? Or did you expect me to lie?

I can understand, and even appreciate, why you feel the way you do
But why is it I always have to accept everyone’s concern, but am alone in getting through?
Thing is, I’m no longer running and have grown to see things as they are
Still, you all choose to look at me as the child I once were

Just don’t underestimate the scars that I wear
It’s sometimes hard to keep my hopes up, carrying the weight that I bear
And, I’ll admit, I haven’t proven to always being strong
I’ve more often chosen the easy path, which tended to lead me wrong

The reason I never share the moments when I ‘do good’
Is because I feel like no one’d believe that I actually could
Friends are lately used of me to eventually going sideways
And most of you think that that’s just me, instead of going through a bad phase

I don’t want to use my past as an excuse
Forget the fucked up childhood, my fam, and being abused
But without that, I’d probably be another person
So I can’t explain some actions without bringing up that burden

The decisions made, the things I did… By now, I’ve accepted all of that
I learned with time, things can be ignored, but eventually’ll come to unwrap

What I want to say, is actually not more than this:
Thank you for being honest, and being the friend who tells me the way it is.
I respect, and love you even more, for doing that
And I know it’s far from evident, to have kept up with my crap
I want you to trust and believe in me, especially the times when I lied
‘Cause at those rare moments, it actually meant I did at least try
It’s so damn easy, to lose faith in whatever
Those times it helped lying, saying ‘tomorrow’ll be better’

I’m most scared of me, the times I say I don’t care
That’s when I’m honest: feeling broken and too lost to repair
No need to worry, I won’t give up on going on
To be happy is a choice, one I’m making every dawn
So please stop taking me, for the fool I once was
That girl has died. Stop letting her haunt me as a ghost from the past.