My honest opinion (please don't get mad about it):
You're good, well writer, but you need to practice a little bit more.
Some parts were totally professional, but others look like written by someone else (who can't really write).
It kinda looks like it was written by 2 people taking turn for writing.

I don't say this to be negative, because I like it, it's just a positive intention suggestion.
Can't wait to read more of your stuff