My Crazy Smile

“ Do you have to go?”
His voice started to crack “ You know I do.”
Putting his suitcases in the back of that ugly pick up truck of his my heart sang. My chest was so tight I couldn't move or speak but I doubt that I have any words to make it better. He wore the same baggy jeans from the first day we meet, with the little rip on the side. Looking back at me with the same disappointed look that he had for days.
“ I didn't mean for any of this to happen.”
Biting his jaw. “ This all could have been prevented but, you couldn't keep your mouth shut.”
Feeling my heart swell up with hurt and my mind with rage tears started to stream down my face, in second staying calm go a lot harder. I didn't want him to remember me like that, not being able to control my emotions that what got us here in the first place. His hard and disappointing look still painted his face.
“ I’m just leaving you with the mess you made, sometimes you just have to sleep in the bed you made.”
Not able to control my rage any longer. “ What the crap, the mess I made? The whole time you have been here I’ve been trying to protect you. I made one slip that doesn't define my whole life or your.”
Looking me dead in the eye. “ See still no able to keep your anger or mouth under control.”
Grabbing his last suitcase from the dusty road throwing it in the passenger seat, giving me one last smile before leaving me on the same dusty road alone. Watching him until his car got out of site my chest still tight with hurt and anger, I couldn't make one more move sitting my butt right on the dirt road. Letting my tear run out not even trying to stop them, beating my hands on the hard gravel over and over until the bleed. After my anger diminished shame took in telling me all the things I had done wrong, that I could have made him stay or could have to keep my anger and words to myself.
I honestly loved him so much that I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain to feel the overwhelming anger and shame maybe he would get smart and leave me. I got joy from seeing his tears fall down his face, when he was in pain I felt more close to him. Even though he is gone and I’m crying, I feel some sort of happiness and relief. Wondering if I am crazy I wipe the blood off my knuckles and the salty tears off my face. Breaking out my crazy smile taking a deep breath​.
“ Bye, Wayne​.”