Gratitude - duty or gift?

 Do you often hear and read about gratitude lately? And how does it feel when you hear "Be grateful!" Being grateful for the little things in life, being grateful for the chance of development through loss and illness - is there something rebelling in you? 

Say thank you!

If you feel like me, then this imperative touches on something you know from your childhood. I was often told, "say thank you". Mostly I should do that in adults.Now I am quite convinced that manners are a helpful cultural technique to shape our coexistence. I feel very comfortable when there is a polite togetherness. 

Only the reflexive request, without observing the condition of the child at the moment, can lead to an educated good behavior. The word "thank you" then becomes an empty shell.Why should not I also learn to express that I just do not like a gift? Describing my feelings without having to be afraid to offend the other. 

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Why does not non-verbal expression count? The glow in the eyes is often meaningful enough.Many have internalized the "You must say thank you" message, thanking them even when they have done something for others or when somebody treats them rude. 

For them, therefore, it would probably be an important step to first ask yourself: In which situations do I actually say thank you? For what? Do I mean it? Do I really find it appropriate? Not to say thank you a week or to mention in e-mails can be an exciting exercise.

Quite apart from the fact that every "you have to" or "thou shalt," which we hear from the outside or say to ourselves, defends something in us. This is completely normal. Who wants to prescribe or impose something? 

Thank you as an expression of appreciation for each other

What is it that pleases me in a polite manner? It's the appreciation that lies in it. When I stop a person's door and she expresses her thanks with a look in her eyes, a smile or a "thank you", then I feel perceived. My behavior generates a resonance in the other, which reacts to me. We meet on a human level. We are not indifferent to each other.

"Only free people are truly grateful to each other." - Baruch de Spinoza

But am I just keeping the door open to receive this positive response? What if the other person has no eyes and no word for what I do and just keeps on going? If I am disappointed then that is my expectation. I get caught up in ratings: the other one is rude, badly educated, has no manners or anything else. Or even to myself: What did I do to make this person react that way? I am not good enough. When I reflect on what it is all about, I get it: I need a thank you to make me feel worthwhile. My self-worth then depends on it. 

Gratitude is an attitude

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Over the last few years, I have dealt with gratitude a lot. Above all, I have watched myself, tried exercises and also learned a lot in working with my coachees. In the end, I came to the conclusion: Gratitude is really important to me! But that is not more than an educated courtesy reflex. Gratitude is rather a crucial attitude for me. It is a way to be in the world and to relate.

Gratitude for me has to do with not taking everything for granted. For me, a lot is not self-evident anymore.

That I grew up in Austria and now live in Switzerland, never had to starve, never freeze, vote, no violence. That I could decide for myself which country I would go to. That clear, clean water comes from the line, there are countless wells with drinking water in public space here in Zurich - for how many people in other regions would not that be like a miracle?

That I could attend school and also finish my studies, always following my inclinations, what really interests me. That I am loved and love. That I work in the way that suits me and with which I can contribute something. That I feel the forest floor with my feet. That a tree blossoms in front of my window and now the maisonne heats the air vigorously.

And also past experiences, which were not at that time beautiful, but associated with much pain. I learned a lot from them. I became what I am through them. I do not mean to say: Be grateful if something painful happens to you. That would be too much to ask and cynical. Gratitude, in most cases, does not appear in retrospect until we look at events from a distance and establish a meaningful connection.

Exercise: the gift of gratitude

I'll give you an exercise that has helped me see gratitude not as a duty but as a gift:

The great thing is that you do not start with "gratitude". This helps a lot if this term is associated with negative or ambiguous thoughts and feelings for you. The exercise is also an attention training and mindfulness practice.

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In the next one to two weeks, pay close attention to what moments you are in during the day. Perhaps it is a chestnut blossom that attracts your attention: stay there for about 30 seconds, look and see it. Maybe it's a look on the face of a loved one or a stranger on the street. The laugh of a child. The cereal you eat in the morning (or whatever you eat).

Walk backwards through the day every night before going to bed. Remember the moments again. Put yourself back in, as if you were about to pass. Surprisingly, we often remember additional moments that did not strike us as they happened. Enjoy bathing in this wealth of the day.

After two weeks, reflect on what the exercise did to you. Has anything changed for you? What have you observed in yourself? How did it affect? Did you feel something like gratitude at that moment? How does gratitude feel to you? What did you feel in your body? How could you describe that for yourself? Be creative, the words you find must only make sense to you, not to anyone else.

Maybe you want to keep going after the two weeks. Or you come back to this exercise again and again.

How are you with gratitude?