Question 23: Did something happen to make me sad?

Sadness is a subjective feeling that depends on how one looks at things. I'm not sad today. I'm not really ever sad, just looking at my problem from the wrong angle.

So I suppose today that I'm a little concerned. Yes, concern can make someone seem sad. I am concerned because yesterday I learned some things from some friends from Ironwood, and while I'm not the type of person that spreads "rumors," I am the type of person to attempt to explain how I feel about other people, and why it makes me look upset. And while I try not to make it seem like there's something evil about anyone, my friends from Ironwood seemed more apt to jump head-first into matters that further colored my perception of people from my hometown. I felt really icky about myself afterward.

I know its none of my business, even though I feel I should care about friends I haven't talked to in years... but I began to explain what was bothering me yesterday, and learned that there are friends that may have been gay, friends who hate my guts for what I can assume is because I didn't seem I cared enough, friends who think of me as manipulative. I can't begin to truly explain all of this because all these things are, as I said already, subjective. Surely nothing I can talk about regarding these can be very clear to readers since they harbor no concrete details. And yet they are placed on my reality with firm substance that I cannot get away from them. They return to haunt me with the reality that is not having those friends anymore.

That is what is concerning me. I seem only to grow more resilient to outwardly care about them when really I just want them to understand how I think about things. There's no reason to care about you if you're not going to care about yourself. I can't help you if you can't help yourself. In other words, I can't be your friend if you don't think me being your friend is worth something to you. Life doesn't work that way. Understanding comes from the inside and grows outward. There was never any other way love (as in caring for another) has worked.

- Anya

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