I would throw a bunch of fuss into the day
I used to burn and bleed at night.
Neither my ashes nor my blood was visible,
I would throw a bunch of fuss into the day.
I'd throw disappointment into the night,
I would walk upright as if I did not know the burdens grinning shamelessly on my back.
The road is not over, I am exhausted,
The road was always long, I was short.
Although my image in the mirror does not lack its strength,
I kept my sparrow shyness to myself.
I wore this word they call power all my life,
Even though my eyes are hazel and purple.
Even though my cheeks turn green,
Although there are wounds in my soul that will not heal.
I never got tired of asking and questioning,
"Why" I have to be strong.
To avoid being crushed? For not crushing?
So that I don't get hurt? To hurt?
Why this power if I'm not going to lean back unconditionally without fear?
To walk without bending my neck?
To be invincible, unbreakable, invincible?
Who threw this word called power at me and why?
However, I had to learn happiness.
Happiness is hidden in seven colors,
In the scent of roses, in cotton candy.
On a swing against the wind,
I had to go down to the source of nature.
The peace in the sound of water,
The harmony in the riverbed.
The orderliness of the rows of stones,
The main thing is to reach that secret.
I should have gathered cones in the forests of uncertain depth,
Maybe a lizard crawl.
Maybe I should have seen an anthill,
I should have had children's laughter for the dirt on the street.
I should have been in the family conversation, which added intimacy at a long table,
In the sound of tea being stirred, love had to be brewed.
My grandfather should have told the story of hope,
My Father should have said with a smile that love is not on the tables.
My mother should have shown that love is above all,
I shouldn't have been taught to be strong.
If you pity, they will hurt, my pity will become pitiful, the words should not have existed in my mind.
I should have known that pain is the name of the taste, that it must be lived,
They had to tell me that I would be upside down when I woke up carrying tons of weight inside me and putting the pain to sleep.