Voiceshares #3 - Abandoned By My Dad and Suffering from Depression - My Story Of Love and Hate!!!

My story started when I was a kid, everyday during my elementary school days I was bullied and harassed . I had very few friends . My last year in elementary was probably when I truly started to feel depression take a hold on me. I ended up nearly failing English and Math class (math i sucked at but English I was great at).

I had no motivation to do anything. I was bullied at school, especially after I had a special tutor come for my math classes . My parents took me to doctors to see what was wrong with me, at first they said I had ADHD , they even told my parents I wouldn't amount to anything in life(which I learned later). So it just got worse. Then at home I had triplet siblings and they always came first and they were mean because they were little kids. I barely got attention at home and when I did , it was usually negative.

When my mom and dad were together my dad had a really bad temper. He was emotionally abusive , calling my siblings and I names, yelling and screaming about small things. It even became physical abuse once or twice. I am not talking about getting a spanking or two , literally punched to the point I had bruises. Once my dad chased my little brother around the house with a 2x4 trying to beat him with it. My father was also extremely hard on me and put a lot of pressure on me to succeed, and to be a good role model for my siblings. He calmed down since I have become an adult and I love and forgive my dad , but he is still a lot of the reason I struggle to this day with self hatred , anxiety , and depression.

Dad Abandoned Us- He Did not want us anymore

Another thing that happened that helped make the perfect storm, was at the end of elementary school. I said I nearly failed, well, my parents made me go to summer school anyway, and at the same time they were divorcing, which is when I learned that people you love won't always hang around when you need them. And so my dad left my mom for a woman he worked with... And I felt so abandoned and alone. I still struggle with these feelings of abandonment.. So with my dad leaving , meant that we would no longer have a big house or go to a nice school because he practically left my mom penniless and bankrupt. He paid child support and saw us on weekends like he was supposed to but I realized pretty much that my dad didn't really "want" us per say . once he didn't have to deal with us kids he started doing all the things he wanted to do before he had us, go on nice vacations and to concerts, etc.

People Moved on But Love Never Came in Life - Mom was My Only Support

My parents married and had kids pretty young. They were about my age when they had me, and had the triplets 5 & 1/2 years later. Even so , I still saw that he cared for the triplets and later on his step children more than me. He didn't have pictures of me on his desk, or anything that made it seem like I existed . When the triplets got to highschool he and my step mom spoiled them sent them facewash paid for them to go to the salon every 3 weeks, Did whatever they wanted... I never got any of that , I had to get a job at 14, and work my ass off and go to school and if I didn't have money for hair color(my mom has a license and cuts my hair) tough shit for me. As you all know also I am not exactly preppy and perfect I have colored hair tattoos and piercings. My dad HATED that. One summer I had blue hair , and my dad bought a box of black hair dye told me to color my hair black or I wouldn't go to the beach with them so I cried while my dad glopped hair color on my head.. Now my mom on the other hand was my saving grace.. We didn't have a lot of money and my mom wasn't perfect.. But she was always there for me , always proud of me, and did whatever she could to make sure I was happy.. even though we were broke beyond belief, when I wanted something my mom did her damnedest to save up and get it for me. Whenever I cried and hurt my mom held me and told me it'd be okay , she was the one that asked if i wanted to talk to a therapist when she realized I was getting worse and worse. I had been so bad at a point where I would just feel numb, all the emotion I expressed was fake, every smile, every laugh, everything. So I started to self harm and contemplate suicide heavily when I was in highschool. My mom found out and made the mistake of telling my dad which he then decided to scream at me and throw a box cutter at me and tell me to cut myself... that was the last time My mom told him about things like that. things got better and the rest of highschool was pretty okay,other than the drama that happens and "he said she said" stuff. then my parents told me we were moving states.

Migrating to States Meant I Lost All My Friends - Depression Worsened

Just as I was starting to feel a bit happier, of course my life was far from perfect, I started to feel comfortable and happy , instead of hollow and sad. also at the time I was dating someone who was extremely abusive towards me, mentally and physically, he also ALWAYS cheated on me. But of course I didn't wanna leave him and all my friends behind. Even though I didn't want to go, it was good my mom dragged me along with her. So My depression then worsened. I went to beauty school. Missed days all the time and stayed to myself, I barely had any friends and just moped around.

My Boyfriend Stood As A Pillar of Support To Me - Life Has A Purpose now!!!!

That was around the time I met my current boyfriend. He has been my rock a lot of the time especially lately.. Because as most know being depressed and having depression are 2 different things. When you have or develop depression it doesn't just go away. You have good times and bad times.. Most recently I have been having some bad times, but we just have to keep fighting. There are plenty of days when I just want to give up , or nights I have gone to sleep hoping I wouldn't wake up, but I survived those days , and I know if I can survive these horrible feelings that make their home in my heart, I can survive just about anything. Life can be unbearably hard some days , I have told you about some of my worst days today... But I have had a lot of good days too with a lot of the people I love and that is what keeps me going when I am aching so much I can't even get out of bed , or when I have bouts of sleep that last for 20 hours straight, or even when I am sick and tired of feeling so goddamn sick and tired all the time.

Finding A Support System is Very Crucial - Why I support Voiceshares

The way I have coped is by surrounding myself with those I love and I know love me. I have had my fare share of heartbreak to know who is really there for when things get rocky and who is only around for the smooth sailing. That's another thing that helps me, is that , I KNOW everyone I keep around me will be there for me no matter what, and having that support is crucial I think to anyone's existence. That's one of the reasons why I am standing behind voice shares, and why I am making my story public, because we all need a support system we know we can fall back on during our darkest times..

I choose not to be anonymous , you all know me , and I have admitted to suffering from depression before. If any of you here at voice shares ever need to chat I am on discord. I don't know what my story will do, or who it may help, but I hope that someone will read this and maybe, not feel so alone, like I felt for years and years. I wish you all Love and Peace <3

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