Swapping Vices

Being overweight is more satisfying than being a heavy smoker and being slightly overweight. Although I did enjoy the tingly effects nicotine gave me, I did not care for the ick that washed over me with each puff. Or the need to be secretive about my smoking. I'd enjoy exactly two cigarettes on the way into work. I knew just when I'd light up each one. And I knew precisely when I would spritz myself with the cheap Calvin Klein drug store knock-off to conceal any smoky scent from my nosy health-conscious coworkers. (It took me awhile to craft this ability, as my sister told me I smelled like a "smoking whore" when she got a whiff of my cologne. Busted.)

The few people who knew that I smoked were all shocked when they learned the news. My boss sat, wide-eyed and perplexed, "You don't look like a smoker." Not sure what a smoker is supposed to look like, but I suppose I wore the costume well. Still, I didn't want anyone to know. Smoking was just too taboo and ridicule-inducing. When I finally decided smoking had grown too expensive and embarrassing, if not altogether unhealthy, I quit cold turkey. No patches nor gums. Just game them up. I kept a lone cigarette in my glove compartment in case of emergency, but I never felt the need for it.

Quitting was rough. My partner and I quit within a week of one another. When you're around someone for a considerable chunk of the day, it doesn't work if both parties can't agree to be smoke free. We tried our damndest to support one another, but he is considerably less patient than I. It's hard to support a chemically withdrawn tyrant.

I sought support through my non-smoking friends, but there was really no support their either because I had kept my dirty habit hidden from them when I was actively partaking. "What? You smoked? No way, man. No way!" Why I chose to keep my dearest friends in the dark is still a mystery to me. They would have been so supportive in my cessation. But now, here they sat, dumbfounded by this stark revelation. So, I supported myself, napping where I could, without that stimulating substance to keep me alert artificially. Quitting smoking took some patience, but eventually days turned into to weeks, weeks into months, then months into years. It's been at least 3 years since I kicked the habit, but it was so long ago, I don't remember the exact date. Sometime in September.

In the meantime, my cravings to have that oral fixation satiated consumed me. I replaced the cigarette with coffee. Lots of it. On my drive and throughout the day. And Diet Coke. Cans of empty soda cans piled on my desk and may have been the driving force behind gnats at the office. I had effectively swapped out one vice for another. And then crackers, or popcorn, or almonds. Anything with crunch; I crave texture. Soon, my unhealthy cigarette habit was replaced with an unhealthy mindless eating habit. Watching TV or perusing posts on Reddit, all the while my hand consistently in a bag of Chex mix or canister of spiced nuts.