Somethings behind that smile

This could be hard. A life. The truth about your self. Who are you? Ever ask your self who am i? What am i doing? Who do i think i am in this world? Are you happy enough? Really? Answer your self honestly. Even the reality is hard to accept it. Wake up! That's the truth!
I've being a hard time for a long time already. I guess it is good to share it here. Coz doesn't matter you read it or not. No one care. Plus++ no one care about you. so...whatever...
The truth is.... i am alone. I don't have the real friends. Like you. Perhaps i have one.
Reality is. I am all myself. Since school...till works... (ah...you are lying) no i am not.
I am the one who always call them to get over. if i didn't do so,No one is inviting me.
No one even calling me..
If there is an event.. i am the one offering myself to go to. Then i am on. but then, i am all alone at the party. Faking myself looking good. i am all good here alone. The truth is... why am i still alone? I am at the party. but? there is a group. back there also a group. i am here alone. huh.
Something i ask myself. Am i fit to be with them? They enjoy hangout with me? Or. with or without me is the same? even if i not there also they did not notice me. Who cares.
My childhood memories... i hope i can tell one. But i guess. it is not a good memories to share with. coz mine is..nothing awesome. but full of bullies being bullied. Thats all.
I am shy...i am at my own world.
I am the type of girl that when you look at me, you have no interest with me. You see someone next to me. but not me. I am that kind of girl. Trust me.
I had some kind of feeling that i am too small.
I had no positive 'aura' that can attract people.
People also easily get tired with me. People said i am bored. I am "skema" i am nerd. But thanks to those who still stay with me all along. =*)
But did you know? All the words that i have heard...makes me sad. makes me feels i am no one. makes me cry all night long. Im tired.
I'm tired being me. I'm tired be like this.
All those words. Hit me hard. makes me down. make me feel i am useless. Ever thinks of killing myself? yea...why not? But i am scared. So don't worry i won't do that. maybe.
I am tired of myself. why i can't be like him/her. Why why why?????
What am i doing? For my life? i want to shout it out loud! but onces again. Who cares?
Who cares? useless.