The interview

"Do you love this shii?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

"Are you single?"

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Sir , with all due respect. I thought I came here for an interview. Your questions are quite unrelated sir.

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(His face looking serious and unflinching)

"Miss Kenneth , Pls reply these questions as accurately and truthful as possible "

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"Do you love this shit ?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

"Are you single ? "

"I heard you fucked your girl , is it true ?"

"You getting money ?"

"You think them niggas you with is with you ?"

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I'm very sorry sir but I am beginning to doubt the ingenuity of this interview. I hope I am not dealing with scammers here? I would have left but I have been seeing this building here since I was 15. So I am surprised my interview questions are coming from a Drake song.

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"Miss Kenneth , Pls kindly answer to only the questions asked. Other answers will be marked irrelevant . Mind you , there are 23 others waiting in line to be interviewed. So do answer the following questions accurately "

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"Miss Victoria Kenneth , I said

"Do you love this shit ?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

"Are you single ? "

"I heard you fucked your girl , is it true ?"

"You getting money ?"

"You think them niggas you with is with you ?"

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Sir , Please sir. I am begging you with the name of God. If you're trying to provoke me or prank me. Please sir , kindly stop it. It's beginning to get to me. I need this job sir. God will not let your children suffer in life. If I have done anything wrong , please let me know sir. I am very sorry sir. God bless you in the name of God , Amen. So kindly conduct the real interview now. Thank you.

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He ignored my ridiculously worded plea and with a serious face , he went at it again -

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"Miss Victoria Kenneth , Do you happen to love this shii ? "

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nerv?....."

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Ahan! Shey this one is mad ni?

Which shii ? Bros , shey you dey ok like this?

And I dey beg you , you still dey ask me foolish questions!

Scammer oshi , Ekwensu! Na your mama go love shii. Na your children go high , basterd !

God go punish you as you take waste my time. Idiot with ugly moustache! Tsww

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(I picked my bag and I walked out of the office. His face still looking serious and very unbothered as he called ' Next!' . Well , I slammed the useless door and made my way to the reception )

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(Shouts at Receptionist.)

Una be scammers for here. Stupid people!!!!

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Receptionist : Pls calm down , what happened ma ?

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Me : The interview I just went for was a total joke!!!!! If you guys don't want to give me job , you shouldn't have invited me in the first place!! Rubbish!

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Receptionist : (Smiles) May I ask few questions ma?

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Me : Ask wetin you wan ask biko , Na because say you get sense I dey even answer you. I wan comot this useless building.

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Receptionist : (Smiling) Pls calm down. Are you a first class graduate?

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Me : Yes ofcourse , I am.

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Receptionist : You applied for the position of a customer care representative right?

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Me : I did , why?

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Receptionist : Did the interviewer have a small talk with you to examine your eloquence?

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Me : Ehn , he talked to me abit before he started asking nonsense.

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Receptionist : The interview questions were from Drake's ' Hell yeah , fucking right?'

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Me : So you sef you know about the nonsense interview you people do here bah?

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Receptionist : Wow , if only you were patient enough ma. You'd have gotten the job.

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I became calm as I moved closer to the counter

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Me : What do you mean by if only I'd remained patient ?

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Receptionist : The thing is everyone invited here today is a first class graduate. Basically the very qualified ones the company shortlisted for the final interview. All of you in that room are intelligent I am sure. So once you pass the eloquence test , the next test is totally out of the box. It's meant to provoke you but the key is not to get pissed off. All our present customer care representatives experienced the same in different forms. Its to ensure you can deal with the most annoying clients professionally without lashing out. You should have just answered the questions no matter how ridiculous they were.

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Me : Pls tell me you're joking!! You're telling me I just lost a 300k per month job because I didn't reply if I was nervous , single or high?

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Receptionist : Actually, I am not joking. I am very sorry .

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Me : No no no , it is over for me. Chai!!!

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Receptionist : I am so sorry Ma. Be sure to be calm next time.

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Me : Can I go and apologize and do it again or something? Please

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Receptionist :(Smiling) I am sure you know things are not done that way. You can't go back in there Ma. Maybe another opportunity will present itself again soon. Sorry once again

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Shocked to hell and back. I walked out in shame . Boarded a bus , pulled out my Samsung S4 and made my way to songslover . pk . I typed HYFR in the search box , it popped up quick. I downloaded the 6.2mb piece of evil that hindered a turn around in my life. HYFR by Drake ft lil wayne was pumping through my earpiece for the next 30minutes. On repeat as I wallowed in sadness ,

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So If you're reading this. I solemnly ask you :

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Do you love this shit ?"

"Are you high right now?"

"Do you ever get nervous?"

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"Are you single ? "

"I heard you fucked your girl , is it true ?"

"You getting money ?"

" Do You really think them niggas you with is with you ?"

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The Interview.

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Written by Enny Kastiel