What is it like not worrying about your next breath?

As a lifelong sufferer of asthma, and even now I am having trouble breathing as I write this, I wonder what it must be like to never worry about not being able to breath right.

What is it like to run a marathon and never worry about breathing or did I bring my inhaler? Is my inhaler full and when will it run out? Should I call in a prescription to get refilled before this inhaler runs out? Should I have two, one to use and one for backup? Should I have three inhalers? One to use, one to lose and one for backup or for my wife to keep for me?

What is it like to go S.C.U.B.A diving? My doctor would not sign off on the legal paperwork required by the S.C.U.B.A. Instructor for me to learn that because he was afraid the lubricants would cause me to have an asthma attack while I was underwater.

What is it like to sleep eight hours and never worry about where your inhaler is? To not worry about not being able to breath while you're sleeping? Many times I have been awakened by my asthma and short of breath or just simply wheezing too loudly. What must it be like to not have that problem?

What must it be like to not be charged by the breath? I could do the math, but I won't bother. I get charged by the breath either way. Whether it's a hundred, two hundred, more or less I'll always be tethered to a breathing device at some point in my life.

I'll never know. I was two when my symptoms first appeared. I'm 45 now and still have issues. I have my good days and my bad days. I've done a lot of good in my life, so it has been a worthwhile struggle to continue breathing. Over the decades I've learned certain techniques to keep myself alive and out of the hospital. Breathing techniques that would impress an astronaut. Even with those talents, I still have moments when it is better to have an inhaler than not. Hospitals can get expensive real quick. Especially if you spent your youth in one for months on end. They didn't have the technology and medicines when I was young that they do now. Now it is a rare year that I end up in a hospital for asthma. Pneumonia maybe, but not asthma.

It can be very different from person to person. One may be able to do everything they want while the other is lucky to just be breathing on a ventilator. The worst part is when it's a small child who knows nothing about it and has to learn to survive, to keep themselves alive. They have to learn all the breathing techniques and triggers that set them off and actively avoid them. Smoke, pollen, animal dander, dust, mold, stress, perfume, chemicals, etc are all popular triggers for an asthma attack.

When my father would come home from work he would smell of diesel fumes, brake dust, and cleaning fluids. I would Rush up to him and give him a great big hug. I would be doing really well breathing until that hug. I'd smell the odor of a bus driver on his uniform and that would immediately set off my asthma. My lungs would close up and I would stagger back trying to catch a breath. He would be all smiles until he noticed me turning blue in the face. Then the rush to the hospital was to commence. It was touch and go for years until I got the hang of surviving on my own. Until I learned the tricks of the trade, so to speak.

I rarely ever wondered what it would be like not having asthma until now. I think it was because I had it, it was my reality to live with and nobody I ran into had it nearly as bad as me...that was still among the living. In fact, the doctors told my parents to make sure they had my affairs in order just in case I went to bed one night and never woke up. My mother would spend most nights at my bedside keeping watch to make sure I didn't stop breathing. She was a real trooper. I don't know how she did it. The nights that she wasn't in the room with me would invariably end up with me calling out to her because I woke up with the beginnings of an asthma attack. It's a scary thing to live with. One night my father heard me call out and came in to yell at me.

"Quiet! Mom is sound asleep! She has been in here every night of the week for a month with you! You need to learn to control this now. No more! I'm putting my foot down now and she will not be in here with you while you're sleeping any more."
Heck yes this scared the crap out of me! I suffered that long night all by myself. I decided then and there to get a handle on this beast and not let it drag my mom down anymore. It was bad enough that I had it. Nobody else should have to suffer through it too. So that was my wake up call. I studied from every source I could find and learned from the best. Over the years the medicines improved immensely and eventually I stopped needing to go to the hospital.

I grew up. They said I might grow out of it, but that my asthma was so severe it may not happen. So I had some hope. They said I may not live long enough to see my thirteenth birthday. When my thirteenth birthday came and went I knew I had it made. Everything else was a blessing, icing on the cake. My whole world revolved around my asthma. School took a backseat to just surviving through the next day and night. It became my thing that I had. I would never wish this upon anyone especially anyone so young as I had been.

I remember by the time I was ten a teenager in Boy Scouts came up to me and was surprised by my maturity. He commented that he had never seen a ten year old so mature and wise. We spoke for over an hour on the how and why of it. He left a better person for it. He was much more knowledgeable when he left. I forgot what we spoke about, but I distinctly remember him being very impressed. I had made someone almost twice my age impressed. That helped me a lot in many ways.

So, I wonder from time to time what must it be like to breath without worry, but in the end reality creeps back in and I know that without my troubles I would be a completely different person. We all have something in our lives that made us who we are and what we are. The big lesson here is that we should use those things as a positive force to help others learn about the world around them, to help them appreciate their own lives and give them the strength to face their own problems head on.

It helped me learn to appreciate the people in my life and learn to love them all the more deeply. That without each other the world would be a miserable place to live. That things can always be replaced, but people cannot. People are all unique and everyone was raised under a different set of circumstances with different variables in their lives. Embrace those you love as though they won't be there tomorrow. Love them in the now, because they may not be around later.

Much love, light, mirth and respect,
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