From Academics to Relationships – Unschooling As A Paradigm Shift
(This article is part 1 of a longer series, called Does Unschooling Have Natural Limits? Follow for future installments!)
Awareness of others’ needs and wants doesn’t come naturally to everyone...it's something we learn (hopefully).
Growing up in a family where everyone’s preferences are considered makes life flow more smoothly, especially in a larger unschooling family like ours.
I've got five kids, and the fact is, unschooling in a large family forces you to confront some of the finer sticking points about this freedom-lifestyle sooner rather than later (or never).
However, it wasn’t always this way. We’ve been unschooling since 2004–when my now-adult child was still just five years old.
Over time, I believe we’ve gotten better at living and learning within the family dynamic in mutually respectful and cooperative ways.
It’s profound, how much the concept of unschooling creates change in one’s life, if we open up and really let it take hold of us.
Unschooling may have started out as an alternative educational approach, but this can gradually morph into a reconsidering of all sorts of things–even those that seem unrelated.
As I’ve said in other articles, unschooling is not something you can “get” in a day or a month.
We’ve unschooled for the better part of 13 years, and it continues to be an ongoing evolution of both theory and practice.
Unschooling may sound like a destination at first, but trust me: It’s very much a never ending, fascinating journey.
Many families start out “just” unschooling academics, but taking a step back from arbitrary control in one area of life tends to be contagious.
The way we eat; our daily routines; what discipline means to us; how we communicate with our children – everything is touched and ultimately shifted by the unschooling paradigm.
In truth, however, there are layers upon layers of shifts – tiny, sometimes almost imperceptible, building upon one another over months and years, until one day we realize how far we’ve come.
Many times, we’re quite pleased with the changes that have taken place in our family life. Sometimes, those shifts are accompanied with a certain uneasiness or apprehension.
Perhaps it’s just a vague feeling that something’s not right–or perhaps it’s as sharp as the pain that comes from stepping on your child’s abandoned legos in the middle of the night!
The unschooling lifestyle tends to be extremely well-received among children…however...
Some parents can have misgivings about it, for a plethora of reasons.
In striving to give zealously support and accommodate our children’s passions and feelings, we may feel (either consciously or subconsciously) that our own needs and happiness as parents are somehow being left out of the equation.
Too many parents think unschooling means the children are in charge, and ought to “rule” the family.
When our children have the freedom to “do whatever they want,” then it only stands to reason that at some point, we’ll observe them exercising that freedom in ways that are destructive or harmful to those around them.
Our children are indeed learning from these experiences, which is good–but ideally, learning ought not to happen at the expense of others!
So, does unschooling truly mean a free-for-all, or are there natural, inherent limits within the unschooling experience?
This article is part 1 of a series…subscribe to read the next installment, and also give me + my team a follow at @krystalt and @homestead-guru!
Awesome post, really enjoyed reading your experience.
I think the important part is what you said, that they're learning from it. When they're restricted and punished, they don't develop a real capacity to understand their actions and the effect it has on others. (They only learn that there's this rule, and it hurts or they have to go in the corner or something when they break it. They don't learn how to actually relate to other people and what the real consequence is.)
Ideally not happen at the expense of others? Eh. It's a two way street. The other person learns too, and may learn something about expressing their problem and why it hurt them or whatever and about how to forgive and move forward. (At least, if they're unschooled themselves. If they're poorly parented then the parent will probably dominate the situation and it's different.)
I think clearly you don't allow them to eat glass or play too rough or do whatever would be physically harmful. (And even then they probably just agree with you and see why it's a bad idea. But you'd physically stop them if you needed to.) But that's pretty much it.
I think also important: Disciplined kids are guilty of this stuff too.
And they're probably way worse. If you look at any public school, it's not like there's a lack of fighting or kids being awful to each other :)
That's kind of the paradox of "discipline", that it doesn't actually work anyways. It's basically just a dependency on punishment and on the parent to always be looking, like managing the situation of the kids not having their own radar, and there will be some really bad outcomes (especially because they have the example of hitting and yelling being the way to get along).
But for some reason it's easy to blame unschooling for any little issue, yet nobody blames discipline for those kids' issues.
So I think kids being a little rough around the edges on their path to maturity is just how things are and can't really be eliminated. But unschooling is the best opportunity for them and the softest cushion.
It’s good to find unschoolers here. I’ve been at it for 3 years and I’m just getting started. This is the first year that I think we can possibly call ourselves unschoolers. The deschooling period has been extended for us. My kids had about three years of school before leaving the traditional school system.
Hey, welcome! I think there's a fair few unschoolers here. Decentralization, freedom, and all that. :) It's not been an easy path but it's fascinating and ever-changing, for me and for my family.
Thanks for the welcome. Yes I did expect to find unschoolers here but the interface is tricky. I just signed up for @ginabot, which is genius. I am watching the unschooling keyword and that’s how I found you.
The first time I heard the word block chain was in a group of SDE people. It was before everyone was talking about bitcoin and I had no idea what it meant.
OMG thank you for saying that you can follow keywords. Going to sign up for Ginabot too! I want to follow henna, permaculture, gardening, and of course unschooling!
I know, right? Totally changes the game. I literally just signed up within the last hour. I’m so excited to not have to sift through a lot of nonsense to see the content I’m interested on here.
I enjoy reading your posts very much because it allows me to see that there are other means of education. I have moved my daughter quite a bit because of the school system. My daughter is extremely bright, in my opinion, and they don't help her blossom. We just moved and we are trying this school out. They seem to be good but we will see. My wife and I have thought about unschooling our daughter but we have not made the step yet. But the more I read and learn the more we are considering it. Thank you for you very informative and insightful posts.
do they have to learn reading and basic arithmetic? Or are they on their own to take them up if they desire?
So, the interesting thing is, there's really ZERO need to make things like reading and math "mandatory"--because of the way our society operates.
Functional happy adults use reading (and to a lesser extent, math) in the course of their daily lives, and so children who are being raised around adulds in modern society see quite plainly from a very young age that reading is a key skill to learn.
We don't teach our babies to crawl or walk--they see adults moving independently and the desire to do the same builds in them naturally.
The same is true of any useful basic skill--and arguably, if it's not useful, is it really worthy of being called "basic"?
My son learned to read by poring over the manuals to an old SNES video game system. He REALLY wanted to play the games, and play them correctly, and so he asked to sound out letters and memorized sounds until he could read the video game manuals.
He was 5 at the time. However, research shows that by the time a child is 18 or 20, it doesn't actually matter much whether a child learned to read "early" or "late"--instead, the most reliable indicator of success in terms of grasp of language and comprehension has to do with how well the child ENJOYS reading, and how often he or she chooses to read for pleasure.
Schooled kids might learn the mechanics of reading, and may read at a younger age than an unschooled child....but unschooled children are much more likely to read for pleasure.
For example, my 10 year old didn't start reading until she was 8, but she's currently on her 5th re-read of the entire Harry Potter series, and has remarkable attention to detail and awareness of the more subtle aspects of the storyline.
So to answer your question simply, no, they don't "have to" learn reading or arithmetic.
But--it's absurd to think since they don't "have to", that they won't.
Schooled kids are great about learning how to exert the least amount of effort in order to get the maximum return...in other words, getting a passing grade or getting an A.
Unschooled kids are never introuduced to the idea of learning as something to "be done with", and so they approach things that interest them in a completely different way. The learning isn't a means to an end, it's just life--and fun.
Certainly an interesting approach. Although, I do know there are some skills, which require physical dexterity which must be afforded children if there is any hope of them being competent at it. How important that is to you, is there for subjective analysis. I can't at present, make an objective case against you, otherwise.
We're going to be "unschooling" our Son, we can't wait to see how it goes! Thanks for the inspirational post.
It to find some info on here I don't have kids but plan to homeschool when I have some. Seems a daunting task but glad there is plenty of information around now 💯🐒
I guess I better follow you, lol! I'll have to read some more of your posts! I will also Resteem this so hopefully my friend will see it! :)
Nice, thanks! <3
Great mom...
I like it your post, you'r good writer...
Success is always for you @krystalt....