Most of the time my mind races, when I mean races I mean a gazillion things run through it all of the time, most of the time its always about bettering my life...our lives, even the lives of the world.

Have you ever had an idea?

So strong that all you can do is think about it and you go to bed fall asleep and wake up the next morning, thinking that the idea you had was your worst idea you had ever made?
I confess something now readers, amazingly I suck at self confidence, even now with the projects I am working on, I give myself a hard time about doing them.

I guess its the way I am programmed to think, you see just before there I was warming some milk in the microwave, and subconsciously I was putting myself down about the projects I am doing, thinking to myself, you know you will not get this right... or even saying don't take it any further because nothing will become of it.

I am so annoyed because deeply in the end you only have yourself to count on, that you have to say to yourself well done for doing a good job, I never give myself that reward and I don't know why.

Then I had another revelation.

I thought about one half of my family, it was while I was sitting watching a movie tonight about middle class people, who all seemed happy in the lives they led. They had all accomplished something of themselves, no doubt probably university (never had that privilege.) That I realised that one half of my family, who I probably grew up to know more than the other half....not one of them ever has gone to university??

None of them are in a high powered job, or even a good enough job to live in the middle of a city and drive a mercedes? Why is that I wonder, did the family get cursed somehow, that they would meet their own potential doom after school leaving age? To be mediocre and lead a mediocre life without actually being ambitious.

Do they also have this self doubt eating away at them? Did they have dreams, or do have dreams they would like to follow, but somehow they talk themselves out of it? Everytime something has happened that I have not gone ahead with I have regretted it, using the what if question.
But yet when I still get all these great ideas, I shy away thinking that it might not be the best thing to do, and thinking of course about the worst case scenario.

I wish I could work it out but the more I think about it the more it puzzles me. I don't know if I am posting this for an answer or just recognising an issue I am having and putting it out there, but I wanted to get it down before I stop myself.

And on that note it is where I am stopping, but thanks for reading.

Much love