Ulog about suffering loss

The past few weeks has not been easy for any of us, but most especially for my mum. Both her parents got ill at the same time and despite how far off we live from them (12-14 hours journey by road) she still goes time and again to visit them.
Every other person in my family had been to visit them except me. I wasn't able to, and I kept hoping that at least my grandma was gonna come over because she promised to and I was gonna make up for all the times I've missed her. I was gonna sew her a whole lot of dresses and she'll have to stay here for a very long time.
Ah well wishes aren't horses, and so that was how without warning, my mom lost both her parents, I lost my grandparents in a span of 12days.
All my wishes and hopes and dreams just whooped into thin air, became smoke, my food turned to dust before my very eyes, no skies, no sun, no smiles.
I was so unbelieving of this news that I felt that in few days someone was gonna call and tell us it was all a prank, and grandma didn't die along with grandpa and here they would like to speak to you too. So I dreamed, but the call never came. So here I sit...in a sad daze, wondering how I could have made a change, what I could've done to see them even if for a day, how many more calls I should've made and how much words of endearment I could've told them. She's everywhere my grandma, in the dress I made because she gave me the material, in the wrappers she gave me to sleep at night, I here her voice and her laugh. But I'd rather they left than suffer the intense pain of a serious illness, I'd rather they rest than be alive and lifeless, knowing that they didn't suffer so much pain helps me to cope. Knowing that they are in God's memory gives me comfort. So for now I live, not just for myself but for them as well.