ULOG #3: Today Is Your Birthday But You’re Not Here
Today is your birthday and the day that I have been dreading since the day you left this Earth. When you made the choice to leave, you took a piece of my soul with you and I can’t ever get that back.
You left a mark, a scar, on my heart that still hurts so badly if I let it.
We had a cake for you, Disney, because it reminded me of the many nights we stayed up watching movies and eating popcorn.
I remember when you told me you had never seen Despicable Me so I made you stay up all night to watch them all with me because they’re my favorite.
And I went to the beach today to watch the waves for a little while and just think by myself without needing to be anywhere.
Allowing Myself to Feel
I allowed my thoughts to drift in and out of all of our memories together and I allowed my love for you to wash over me again without feeling like I needed to suppress it.
I allowed the tears to just flow freely down my face and the ache in my heart to just be there for a little while without trying to run away from it.
I wish we had had more time together. I really do.
But, a lifetime wouldn’t have been enough for me. Many lifetimes wouldn’t have been enough for me.
I’m sorry you felt that you had to leave early. I wish you had reached out if you were having those thoughts.
I question every single day if there was anything else I could’ve done to help you feel loved so you didn’t feel the need to take your own life.
Such a sweet, loving spirit was likely too good for this world and too sensitive to stay here for too long.
Pain Feels Fresh
The pain of the loss is still felt by everyone that knew you but we choose to think about how much we loved you rather than you being gone.
I hope you can feel the love that we have for you and not the pain that we feel from losing you. I wouldn’t want anyone to ever feel this pain because some days it feels like its too much to take. This burden is too heavy.
Honestly, I thought that we would have forever.
If I had known that you were leaving so soon I would’ve tried to preserve every single memory and hold each one in my heart to keep me warm at night when I’m deep in my feelings, like tonight.
Please know that I am fine and I get better each day because I had the opportunity to know you and to love you. I will never forget the time we had together and the love that you gave me.
You helped me to find myself again and to love myself again so I am eternally grateful for that.
I love you and I hope that you had one hell of a party wherever you are. And I hope that you know that you are loved.
Ivy
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This is beautifully written. I hope that today was everything you needed and wanted it to be. Sending blessings your way. 💕
Thanks so much @ross-early. That is so kind of you. It was as best a day as I could've hoped considering the circumstances. I know that I will have him with me always and find comfort in that :)
Ivy
These are beautiful words, directed at someone who was very special, I can tell. Thank you for sharing them, they are a healing reminder for many of us.
Thank you! Healing after loss is the name of the game. I know I will never forget him and none of us will. We will carry him with us always. I think everyone needs to allow themselves to heal while keeping the memories close.
Ivy
Hugs and love to you, dear Ivy. What a beautiful way to celebrate a life. It is so hard, I know.
Thank you, sweet Serena. You are amazing :)
Celebrating life is the best way to honor him that I know of too.
Ivy
A very difficult thing to write. I would not even know where to start if I had to write such a letter. It also makes me think of who might struggle to write such a letter if I left them in a similar way.
Writing letters to him helps me more than I can possibly explain. I never thought I would find myself in a situation like this but I think it has helped me to be stronger. And being able to know him and love him made me a better person because of how good he was, I wanted to be more like him. I still do. I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy so I would hate for another family to feel this. Please don't do anything because the world is better with you here. Continue to share your light with others :)
Ivy
I confess I cried when reading this post, it is beautifully written and it honours your love that you aknowledge those sweet memories, the good times, the love, the smiles, the popcorn. Because sometimes things happen and there is no undo and there are many what ifs but what counts is that you loved and love still. I am very sorry for your loss.
You are so sweet and sensitive. I love to get comments from you :)
There is no undoing what has been done and all I can do now is pick up the pieces to move on while remembering the good times without trying to dwell too much on the past.
Ivy
I'm at a loss of words ivy...
<3
You are so sweet. Thanks, Meno. It's been a hard few months but I'm celebrating life the best way I know how :)
Ivy
This is such a heart-wrenching, beautiful tribute. Your loss is palpable and tear-provoking.
I've unfortunately lost dear ones to suicide – one never really makes peace with it. Yes, we find a way to move forward, but the wounds of their untimely, tragic passing never fully heal.
And, yet – in some strange way – they stay with us, more persistently tangible and tender, than those who pass by other means. The honor of having known and loved them becomes the soft blanket in which we wrap our grief.
Sending the warmest hug to your precious heart, dear Ivy. <3
Thank you, Zippy. I agree that there is no real way to make peace but I try to move on in the best way I can while still keeping his memory alive. I feel that he is with me in my heart so I'm never truly alone. He was a beautiful soul that touched so many lives while he was here.
You are incredible and I appreciate your comment <3
Ivy