That whole thing was pretty rambling! I think what you might be saying is that there seems to be this link between the inferior judgement of yourself and the desire to become better at something, even though you might be at your best. There is nothing wrong with that. I believe all atheletes likely possess this evil self-haunt of themselves (called beating yourself up over nothing). I experienced it as a baseball player many years ago and now 45 years into the game of racquetball, I still do it, even though I know my game is in decline (due to age)(that might be an entirely different topic, not sure). My self-conciousness about my playing ability today entails more of the mental aspect of it all rather than the physical... like when I make a stupid shot I will say to myself, "man, that was stupid," (because I shoulda known better, right?) and then I tend to punish myself, rather than to just move on and chalk it up to wisdom. It's polarizing yourself. We also must remember that we are not perfect - we are human!