#ULOG 013: Today is My Papa's 4th Death Anniversary

It's been 4 years since you left us but the pain is still the same as if it was just yesterday.

Four years ago, I was away from home. I wanted to be away from home for a little while. I don't know why but I wanted to breathe air from a new environment. Maybe it was the boredom that I was always feeling at home that pushed me to ask permission from my parents if I could be away for just a week or two. As far as I can remember, mama agreed. Papa, on the other hand forced me to stay. I did not mind papa's decision because I knew he'd let me eventually.

I don't clearly remember the date but I think it was 3 days before May 28, 2014, I packed my things and I was ready to leave with my aunt and cousin. I opened our back door and there he was sitting on a chair peacefully.

I remember the sound he made while taking a sip of hot coffee from an old cup we had as he was seated on a ramshackle creaking chair from my grandmother's balcony.

I remember him saying these words, "Ayaw nalang lakaw, nak" (Please don't leave) as if he was begging me to stay by his side. As if he knew he'd be gone forever. As if he knew we'd never meet again.

I remember me being hardheaded forcing him to let me leave.

I remember the look on his face. I remember that moment. I remember it all. But there I was sitting on a bus minutes after.

Days have passed and it was a gloomy morning when I received a call from my cousin crying, "Queen, wala na sa uncle" (Queen, uncle's gone). Time stopped for a moment after hearing those words. I was thinking of laughing because I thought it was a joke. I only knew it wasn't when tears began rolling on my cheeks. That time, I knew it was true.

As I was seated in a bus, I kept receiving messages from my family and friends sending their deepest condolences. It felt surreal. It just felt surreal. White curtains, candles, and flowers welcomed me as I arrived home. "Could there be any worse days than this?", I thought to myself. Just how cruel could the world be? I never once thought in my life I'd be experiencing such pain. I even cursed at Him, questioning why'd He let me suffer, why'd He let my family suffer.

But then, the moment I saw my mother sitting on our old wooden chair, alone, silently and blankly crying, I realized that I needed to be stronger. I needed to be stronger not just for myself but for my family. I prayed. I talked to Him. I needed to talk to Him. That was the time I realized we can't live in this world without Him. Without Him, we are nothing but empty vessels made up of flesh and bones waiting for the time we decompose. Everything in life is planned by our Almighty Father. No matter how big and heavy our problems are, there's nothing bigger than our God who will guide us on our everyday lives.

Even though it hurts, we have to accept the fact that nothing is permanent and truly living in this world because this is not our world. Our world is where God is. It pains me still but nothing compares to the joy papa is experiencing right now in the hands of our Lord Jesus Christ.

We love you so much, pa. We miss you everyday.