Chapter 13

The Troll Bridge

 Ury and Rita waddled back towards their home with a racoon, a rotten fish and three toads for breakfast. The lesbian trolls were about a quarter mile from home walking along the river bank when they spotted the game wardens truck cross the bridge and slow to a halt. The truck backed up and slowly turned so the tailgate was lined up with the cement bridge railing and stopped. In the back of the truck was large man sitting in a power chair facing away from them partially hidden by the tail gate of the truck. It was around 5 am and the sun was rising in the East casting harsh shadows across the land illuminating the bridge and the men who climbed out of the truck and lowered the tailgate exposing the rest of the power chair to view.

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“What the Hell are they doing?” Ury asked out loud.

Both trolls stopped and watched as one of the men jumped up into the bed of the truck and seemed to be conversing with the man in the power chair. With a few gestures and the muffled sound of talking, the chair backed up and then stopped for a moment slamming into the wheel well of the truck. It took a moment to figure out the controls, but a moment later the power chair backed up over the lowered tailgate and fell thirty feet backwards into the river with the rider still in the chair.

With a huge splash the man and the chair sank under the water and the men above watched to see if they would surface. Ury and Rita, freaked out by what they had just seen, took off as fast as they could over the sandy river bank trying to keep a hold of the critters they found for lunch. It was slow going for two fat trolls on soft sand and after a short run both were winded and had to come to a halt.

The trolls watched the men in the truck pull forward and push the tailgate back into place and get back in the truck. A few moments later the truck made a hard right and lined back up with the road and headed back into town. Again Ury and Rita walked towards the bridge, not running this time, but keeping up a faster than walking pace. As they came closer to the bridge they tried to see if the man on the chair had come loose and floated to the top of the river. So far they couldn’t see anything and they were beyond exhausted.

“There!” Rita yelled pointing with a toad in her hand. “I see a floater.”

Ury, seeing the fat bloated body bobbing in the slow moving water took off running again knowing that the current would take him faster than she could ever walk and if she wanted to help this guy, she needed to get to him fast. But for some reason the body didn’t seem to be taken with the current and bobbed up and down at around the same spot as it and the chair fell.

It took a good ten minutes for both trolls to make it to the bridge and walk to the waters edge where they saw the body, still alive from what they could tell, floating in river. “I think his coat is snagged on the chair,” Rita said aloud. “Go in there and get him.”

Ury, the larger of the two trolls and the better swimmer tossed her dead racoon on the sand and waded out into the cold river water. Ten feet out and she was up to her nipples shivering in the cold wondering if she could make it all the way to the man floating just out of reach. The river bottom was soft mud and her feet sunk in with every step but she kept going until she reached the body and tried to pull it close. She spun the man around until his face was facing her and Gary, the diabetic vampire looked at her and said, “It’s about fucking time.”

Ury, scared shitless let out a scream but kept a firm hold on Gary’s shirt. “I’m kidding,” Gary said with a Patrickle, “Can you get me out of here?” he asked reaching out his hand to the troll.

“Your jacket needs to come off,” Ury stated and tried to wrestle the sleeve from Gary’s arm. With a dunk and a bob his arm slipped out and he began to float with the current.

Ury had a good grasp on him and pulled him back as she backed out of the river onto the river bank behind her. In a minute, Gary was lying on his back on the wet sand and able to roll himself over up onto his knees.

“Thanks a million,” Gary said with a smile. “Fucking game warden kicked me out of town.”

“Why?” Rita asked.

“Hunting rules. Any vampire found hiding in a public or private residence will be forcefully removed and relocated to the city limits.”

“Vampire huh?” Rita asked. “Sun is up, he should have let you go before he dumped you in the river.”

“Yeah I know, I tried to tell him that before he pushed the stick on my power chair and sent me flying off backwards into the river. Asshole. Guys like that have all the power and can do whatever they want. What am I going to do? Turn him in?”

“Kind of a cruel way to get rid of you,” Rita stated.

“He knew I’d survive it. My power chair on the other hand is fucking toast. The electronics can’t take the water and I’m sure the frame is bent now.” Gary said with disgust in his voice.

“You can’t get around without it?” Rita asked.

“Hell no, I’m four hundred and thirty pounds and if you haven’t noticed, I’m missing my right leg below the knee.”

“Wait, don’t vampires regenerate missing body parts?” Ury asked.

“Yes, but it doesn’t happen overnight. They took that leg at the hospital due to diabetic complications a month ago. I’ve managed to grow about a half inch back since then. By the time my leg is back, it will be over a year. I have to have my power chair and have it working or I’m fucked!”

“Where is the nearest power chair store around here?” Rita asked.

“Seventy miles away in Grant. They have a store and do repairs.” Gary replied.

“So how does a one legged vampire go seventy miles to get his power chair replaced?”

Rita asked rhetorically. “Did you get yours there? Is it still under warranty?”

“I got it off a dead guy, there is no warranty left.” Gary replied in disgust.

“Can you call them to come down and service it here?” Ury asked.

“They stopped house calls to Quakersville two years ago when Benton became over run with cannibals. They can’t get here without going through Benton and they don’t think it’s worth killing a service guy to come fix any chairs here. Hell, I had to modify a car battery just to make this thing work because you can’t buy replacements anywhere.”

Ury and Rita looked down upon the wet vampire with pity and felt sorry for him. “I don’t know what we can do to help,” Rita said. “I know a guy with a tow truck that might be able to lift your chair out of the river, but from then on, I don’t know how to get it to the repair shop.”

“If you can at least get it out of the water, I can find a way to get to Grant. Hell or high water, I am getting my chair back in working order.”

“This will take some time,” Rita said, “We have to eat first. Can you crawl over to the bridge while we eat?”

“I’ll give it a try, but this fat man only has one speed and that’s slow as Hell.” Gary said and rolled onto his belly trying to pull himself across the sand with his arms and one good leg. From what they could see, the trolls knew he would eventually make it to the bridge, but it may take an hour or so. Plenty of time to skin a raccoon and eat some frogs and a rotten fish.

***

Twelve hours later the clouds rolled in cutting back the harsh sunlight that once cast hard shadows under the bridge. A tow truck lowered a cable into the river below and a man from the towing company held his breath and tried to hook the power chair with the hook end of the cable. Gary, who had been sleeping off the daylight was now awake, on the bridge watching the crew try to raise his chair from the shallow bottom of the river. It took several tries, but the chair was eventually hooked and the crewman in the river gave the thumbs up sign telling the operator thirty feet above to start the motor and raise the chair.

The cable became taut and with a grinding sound the chair started to lift off the muddy bottom of the river bed and break the water surface dripping off dirty river water and mud. Attached to the chair was a small box that had been knocked loose from the river bed and attached itself to the chair with a length of bailing wire that also was dislodged.

The chair raised clear of the water and slowly climbed higher and higher until it reached just below the bridge where it hung still waiting for a crew member to swing it out away from the bridge so it could be raised the last ten feet. By now most of the water had dripped off the chair and from inside the motor compartment and Gary was slightly relieved but knew the repair job would be costly and take forever. But at least he had his chair back.

Occasionally a car or truck would pass over the bridge and rubberneck the action to see what was going on. The tow truck was parked with just enough clearance to allow most vehicles pass if they crowded over by the cement railing. Then Eleonora Kabloutchko, fresh from her sleep pulled up onto the bridge riding her quad cycle and pulled up next to the tow truck to see what was going on. She had about four hours till sundown when the hunting curfew started and was curious as to what was going on. She turned off the quad cycle and walked over to Gary who was sitting on the cement rail with his one good leg keeping his balance.

“What’s going on?” she asked looking at the men trying to wrestle the chair over the railing.

“The game warden accidently tossed me and my chair into the river yesterday and I’m finally getting it back out,” Gary replied shaking his head.

“Game warden?” Eleonora Kabloutchko asked.

“Yes, I’m a vampire,” Gary replied deflated. “Caught my ass in the bar last night and got ran out of town on a rail.”

“I’m not from around here. What game warden are you talking about?” Eleonora Kabloutchko asked.

“Mr. Acorn, game warden extra ordinary, if you know what I mean. He and his two henchmen love their jobs a little too much if you ask me.”

“I thought game wardens were supposed to protect you from bad hunters, not pick on you.”

“I have no idea what he does and he wasn’t about to share his day with me. If he’s out policing the hunters, he sure wasn’t doing it last night.” Gary looked at the girl standing before him and squinted trying to see her features with his near sighted eyes. “If you’re not from around here, what are you doing out here?” Gary asked.

“I sort of have the same problem you do,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied.

“Holy shit no way,” Gary replied. “Welcome to the club. Where are you from?”

“I don’t really have a home,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied. “I’ve been crossing the country since I was fourteen.”

“How old are you now?” Gary asked.

“Twenty six if you can believe it. I think I look twice that age.”

“You look like you don’t get much sleep. Being on the run like that can really age you fast. What happened? Did you run away from home?”

“Didn’t have a choice, my home sort of ran away from me. My family was attacked by a gang of vampires only they didn’t bother to kill me, they let me turn in hopes I’d join their gang. My mom, dad and sister all had their heads cut off and I got to spend the next hour turning into the undead.”

Gary looked at Eleonora Kabloutchko and could tell she was very unhappy bordering on depressed.

“How long did you stick with the gang?” Gary asked.

“I didn’t stay at all,” she replied. “As soon as I could run I took off and never looked back.”

“Are you on the run? I mean do they want you back?”

“They had a few chances but they never did anything. I think they were to lazy to really put much effort into me. Last thing they needed was a trouble making bitch that didn’t take orders.”

Gary noticed that the chair was now over the rail and the truck moved forward enough to set the chair back onto the bridge. With the turn of a lever, the chair lowered onto the concrete and sat upright on its four wheels. The box that was tangled in the bailing wire popped loose when the chair made contact with the ground and sat motionless a foot from the chair. “Looks like they got my chair out,” he said pointing at the chair behind her. “Can one of you guys hit the power button on the chair arm and see if the lights light up?” he asked.

One of the tow company men pressed the button on the arm of the chair and nothing happened. “Do I have to keep pressing it down?” he asked Gary.

“No,” Gary said disappointed. “If it were working, it would come right on. Thanks anyway.”

“What do you want us to do with the chair?” the company man asked.

“Do you think you guys could fix it?” Gary asked.

“Maybe, but we might need parts and they won’t...”

“I know, they won’t deliver because of the cannibals in Benton,” Gary stated in disgust.

“Take it back to your shop and see what you can do, call me on my cell if you think there is a chance you can fix it. Otherwise I will have to make a trip somehow to Grant to get a new one or parts for that one.” Gary then mumbled to himself, “If I can find a way to get there.”

The tow truck crew raised the chair back into the air and pulled it in close to the truck binding it with come along pull straps. With the chair secure, the tow truck, along with the crew left the bridge and headed back into town, the very town Gary was kicked out of last night. Now as the sun went down, he sat on the edge of a bridge, four hundred and thirty pounds of fat diabetic vampire with one good leg and no way to move. He could try to turn into a bat and fly out, but due to his missing leg, flight was as dangerous as trying to walk.

“Maybe I can help.” Eleonora Kabloutchko said. “I don’t have anywhere to go and I could use a friend.”

Gary, taken aback smiled and asked, “What’s your name young lady?”

“Eleonora Kabloutchko,” she replied and held out her hand.

Gary shook her hand and said, “Nice to meet you Eleonora Kabloutchko, my name is Gary. And my new friends down there under the bridge who saved my ass are Ury and Rita.” With a whisper he added, “They’re lesbo’s and they’re trolls but they seem real nice.”

“Nice,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied.

“They have some racoon if your hungry, not the best food there is, but we can’t live on blood all the time.”

Eleonora Kabloutchko walked to the close end of the bridge and peeked down at the area Gary was talking about. There she saw tow trolls sitting next to the river bank skinning a racoon and tearing it into pieces. Next to the trolls were a couple of dead frogs and what looked like a rotten fish. “Hello?” she yelled down to the couple below.

Rita looked up and saw the girl looking down at them from the end of the bridge and looked to Ury who was biting the heads off the frogs. “Who the fuck is that?” she asked shrugging her shoulders. Then she heard the more familiar voice of Gary from right above say, “She’s with me ladies, she’s harmless.”

Rita spit out a frog head and motioned for the girl to come down to the river bank and join them. Gary sat up on the rail basically trapped by his own weight until they were able to come help him down. It took a few minutes and a little balancing act to keep upright as Eleonora Kabloutchko stepped down through the brush onto the sandy river bank and joined the two trolls. “You like coon?” Rita asked.

“Are you going to cook that?” Eleonora Kabloutchko asked.

Rita looked at Ury like she had just heard the stupidest question in the world. “Do we look like girl scouts to you?” Rita replied sardonically. “The last time I rubbed two sticks together, wait a second, I’ve never rubbed two sticks together,” she said with a Patrickle.

“I have a lighter,” Eleonora Kabloutchko said trying not to speak out of place. “Take about twenty minutes to get a good fire going.”

Ury, looking at the ground avoiding eye contact with Eleonora Kabloutchko said in monotone, “We always have our coon raw. Who the fuck would cook a coon? You humans have to burn everything to a crisp before you eat it. If you had some real teeth you wouldn’t have to ruin everything you eat.”

“I wasn’t trying to tell you what to do,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied.

“I just think it’s safer to cook your food. It keeps the food born bacteria from making you sick.”

“Do I look sick?” Ury stated looking at Eleonora Kabloutchko with a yellow toothed smile.

“I wouldn’t know,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied coyly. “I don’t know what a sick troll looks like.”

“Tell you what, since you are our guest tonight, you can go ahead and cook your coon. I don’t want it said that we didn’t offer hospitality when strangers came a calling.”

Eleonora Kabloutchko, now with a smile on her face nodded her head and started looking for sticks and leaves to start a fire. “Thanks, I appreciate that,” she said and gathered up a pile of kindling. After a few minutes of picking up dry drift wood and all the sticks and leaves she could find, Eleonora Kabloutchko made a pile and used her lighter to start the edge ablaze. She looked up to Ury who was looking down at her and tried to smile and ease the tension. It didn’t take too long before the leaves started the sticks on fire which in turn began to heat up and burn the drift wood. “Now I need to find a good stick to skewer the coon bits on so I can cook it over the fire.”

“You’re worried about coon bacteria but not about stick bacteria?” Ury said jokingly.

“Not really, but not to change the subject, how do we get Gary back down here?”

Eleonora Kabloutchko asked.

“How did he get up there in the first place?” Rita asked. “I didn’t see him leave. Where the Hell was I?” she asked.

“We were in the bushes doing a sixty nine you dumb bitch,” Ury replied.

“Am I that dull that you can’t remember having sex with me?”

“Oh yeah, that’s right. Sorry,” Rita replied confused. “Are you sure?”

“Yes I’m sure,” Ury barked back. “Smell your crotch, what does it smell like?”

Rita looked down and sniffed her crotch and her eyes perked open. “That smells like rotten fish,”

“No shit,” Ury replied. “I used the fish on you before I sixty-nined you.

I swear, if there were another troll around here, I’d leave your sorry ass.”

“You have to admit, after as long as we have been together, it does all seem to run together sometimes. It’s not like we can dress up for each other or make it any different.”

Ury, pissed tossed down her last piece of coon onto the pile, stood and walked away from Rita in a childish pissy manner.

“What’s wrong with her?” Eleonora Kabloutchko asked Rita.

“She’s getting her period, don’t worry, it only lasts a month.”

“A month?” Eleonora Kabloutchko asked shocked.

“We’re trolls honey, we don’t all have the same plumbing as you humans. It takes us longer to get the junk out and they don’t sell tampons out here in the sticks. Actually we have to use sticks and leaves...”

“Never mind,” Eleonora Kabloutchko stated in disgust returning to attend to the fire that she was fanning. “Ten minutes and the fire should be hot enough to cook. Now we need to get Gary down off the bridge before the sun goes down and the hunters come out.

***

Gary sat on the rail listening to the girls below bicker while he scratched his nut sack and looked over at the box that still set on the bridge by the rail. He pondered the idea of scooting his huge frame over to the box, but realized that every inch he scooted towards the box was an inch he would have to scoot back in order to get to the end and crawl back down to the river bank below. Still, the box intrigued him and almost called out to him to take a look at it. “Hey Eleonora Kabloutchko!” Gary yelled from the rail. “Come here a second.”

Eleonora Kabloutchko scurried up the incline from the river bank to the bridge and walked over to Gary who was getting a bed sore as they spoke. “I’ll get you down, give me a minute to think...”

“No, I want you to get that box for me, see it over by the rail?” he asked pointing at the box.

“Yeah, I see it,” she replied and scampered the twenty steps over to the box and picked it up taking a quick look. By now the sun was fading and only the moonlight lit up the bridge and the two vampires standing upon it. She walked over and handed the box to Gary who looked to see if it had a lid. “It has hinges and a keyhole,” Gary stated. Must be a lid here somewhere,” and with that said smashed the box onto the concrete springing the lock and popping open the lid. “That should do it,” Gary said with a smirk.

Eleonora Kabloutchko leaned over and picked the box back up and handed it to Gary who now grasped the box by two sides with his thumbs on the inside. Without any effort, the box widened under the slight pressure of his arms and then contracted when he pushed the sides back together. “That’s fucked up,” Gary said examining the box.

Then he looked inside and noticed that the bottom of the box didn’t end. It was like a square tunnel that receded back until the light could no longer reach. He turned the box and looked at the backside and saw that the back had a solid cover and wondered how the tunnel could go past what he knew was solid. “Do you see this?” he asked Eleonora Kabloutchko. “When I pull the box apart it grows, and when I push it together it shrinks and there is no bottom.”

“Let me see,” Eleonora Kabloutchko replied and looked into the never ending tunnel inside the box.

“Weird,” she said shaking her head in amazement, “I wonder how wide you could stretch it?”

Gary handed Eleonora Kabloutchko the box and said, “Let’s find out.”

Eleonora Kabloutchko grabbed the box by each side and pulled it two feet apart making a rectangle. She then grabbed the other two sides and pulled it two feet apart making it a square again. The bottom of the box remained without end. “Holy shit,” she said with a smile looking back at Gary. She set the box on the ground and faced the opening towards her and Gary. She put her foot on the side touching the bridge and with her two hands, grabbed the top side and lifted the box until it was as tall as she was. Now the box was over five feet tall, two feet wide and no bottom that could be seen.

“What is this?” Gary asked in amazement. “Is it a box, or a doorway, or a tunnel?”

From under the bridge the voice of Rita could be heard yelling, “Coon is done,” and the two vampires, almost in a trance seemed to not hear her as they pondered the magic box found at the bottom of the river.

Chapter 14

Film at 11:00

 The hotel phone rang again and Kent looked at the alarm clock before picking it up. The time read 8pm and he was getting tired from sitting and watching news reports on his activities all night long. Mike greeted the party on the other side of the phone and they identified themselves as a local television producer from channel ten.

“What can I do for you Mr. Producer?” Kent asked sardonically.

“Mr. Koperski, channel ten would like to get an exclusive interview with you concerning your hostage taking situation at the hotel.”

“Channel four called three hours ago, what took you so long?” Kent asked.

“For a news guy, you sure take your time. And by the way, it’s not a hostage situation.”

The phone was silent for a few moments as the producer gathered his thoughts. “Sorry, channel four is the whore of the local news and will do anything for a story. We pride ourselves on doing the news right.”

“I’ll say they’re a whore, you wouldn’t believe what I got them to agree too do,” Kent said with a grin. “They are bringing pizza, soda and a bunch of snack stuff and a cell phone charger for my phone.”

“Sounds great,” the producer said with an obvious fake tone. “I would watch what kind of pizza they bring you, they’re probably working with the cops and are going to lace your food with some sedative to knock you out.”

“Already thought of that, the pizza isn’t for me, it’s for my wife and her boyfriend. I asked for a bag of beef jerky. I can wash it off in the sink and be fine.”

The producer paused again to regain his thoughts and think of a strategy to get Kent on his station. “What else did they promise?” the producer asked.

“They are sending in that cute evening news reporter Kate Spree to do the interview live at eleven tonight.”

“So this is already set up to go, there is no way I can talk you into letting us do your interview instead?” the producer asked.

“Make me an offer I can’t refuse,” Kent replied.

“I will have to consult with my station manager first and get back with you, but before I do, may I ask what condition your hostages are in right now?”

Kent looked over at the chair leaned up against the bathroom door jamming it shut and said, “I have them in solitary confinement right now, don’t worry, they are fine.”

The phone was silent for a few seconds and the producer got back on the line. “My station manager has been monitoring the call and he says he would like to know what you want in order to make this interview happen. We only have three hours till air time and if this is going to happen, we need to get the crew and equipment lined up now.”

Kent thought for a second and rolled the back of his head back and forth against the wall behind him thinking. “I don’t watch your channel usually, but I think you have that morning girl that is hot but a real bitch. What is her name?”

“Sue Jackson?” the producer replied.

“Yeah, that’s it, Sue Jackson,” You get her here with pizza, soda and beef jerky, and agree for her to do the live shot naked, and you have a deal.”

“Naked?” the producer asked.

“I’m not running the risk of her pulling out a gun and shooting me on live television.”

Kent said sternly. “I doubt she would pull anything out her ass if she were naked so that’s how it has to be. Naked or channel four.”

“Did channel four agree to your terms with their reporter?”

“Not only did they agree, she is going to do a pole dance after the interview and give me a blow job.”

“Now Mr. Koperski, we both know that the FCC does not allow nudity on television and that this would never work.”

“Not if it’s past ten I think. I need to Google it, but I’m sure there is a time when it is allowed and eleven is pretty late. I think we can get away with it.”

Frustrated, the producer replied, “Even if we could air the nudity at eleven, what makes you think that Sue would agree to your terms? She is a professional, not some reporter from a trash rag news outfit willing to do anything for a story.”

Kent shook his head and tapped the phone on his temple for a moment.

“Fine, you lose, if you change your mind, you know my number,” and hung up the phone on the channel ten producer. The television across the room was on channel four and showed a live remote of the standoff at the hotel complete with shots of the window, the police cars with flashing lights and a reporter who was trying her best to sound interesting on live television. For a second Kent thought about shooting off a few flames from his flame thrower just to get it on camera and liven up the scene, but decided not when he saw all the curtains in the room and wondered how flammable they were.

***

At ten thirty, channel four news showed up to the hotel and parked the remote van next to one of the police cars. Kate Spree and a cameraman conferred with the state patrol and suited up with bullet proof vests. After a short conference, they were allowed to approach the hotel and made their way across the parking lot to the out facing hotel door where Kent was held up inside with his wife and lover. Kate knocked on the door and Kent yelled for her to come in. In a flash, both members of the media were in the room away from the eyes of law enforcement waiting outside.

“Set up the camera and you can go,” Kent said to the cameraman.

“I didn’t bring a tripod,” the cameraman replied confused.

“Use the table in the corner, we’ll do this shot sitting on the bed anyway. You can adjust the angle with some towels from the bathroom.”

Without saying a word, the cameraman set his remote video camera on the table and aimed it back towards the bed where Kent was sitting. He adjusted the zoom, peering backwards into the digital screen, and said, “Looks fine as is, I don’t need to do anything if you are going to sit there. Is it ok if Kate sits next to you so I can frame you both in the shot?”

“Sure,” Kent said and motioned for Kate to sit down next to him on the bed. “You look just like you do on television,” Kent said. “I thought you would look different in person.”

Kate sat down about eighteen inches from Kent on the end of the bed and the cameraman framed both people in the shot. The feed from the camera was wirelessly sent to the remote van where it was boosted and sent back to the station live.

“How’s it look?” Kent asked.

“I’ll flip the screen backwards so you can see yourself,” the cameraman said and made it so both Kent and Kate could monitor the view from the camera.

“Great, now you can go,” Kent said pointing at the door.

“They want me to stay, told me not to leave her alone with you.”

“Hand her the microphone and get the fuck out, I’m not playing this game with you.”

The cameraman plugged the microphone into the open jack on the camera and handed it to Kate and stepped back to the door. “Give me a mic check so I can check the meter.”

Kate held the microphone to her lips and said “Testing one, two, three.”

The meter jumped with every sound and the cameraman was satisfied with the sound, opened the door and left the building.

“We have twenty minutes before we go live,” Kate said. She sat with her professional skirt suit, perfect hair and make up and that fake reporter speak ready to be a super star on television once again. “Is there anything you can tell me that I can ask about during the interview?”

“You want to fake this?” Kent asked.

“I like to be prepared. I don’t like surprises on live television,” Kate replied.

“What do you want to know?” Kent asked.

Kate sat and thought for a moment and a question popped into her head.

“From what you told our producers, your wife and her lover are locked in the bathroom, is that correct?”

“Yes.”

“How long have you known your wife?”

“Well,” Kent said thinking. “I met her at a Van Halen concert back in eighty two. I remember it like it was yesterday. I made it through the gate and was heading towards the auditorium but I had to take a piss really bad so I was running around trying to find the bathroom and I asked this girl, who turns out later would be my wife, if she could tell me where the bathrooms are. She points down the hall and says it’s on the left past the concession stand about a hundred feet away. I take off walking as fast as I can and make it to the bathroom and there is already a freaking line to the urinals so I end up standing there holding in my piss.

Next thing you know, this guy standing next to me starts looking at me in a very uncomfortable way. I’m thinking, is this one of those guys that trolls the bathrooms looking for a quickly in the stall or something? Now, let me tell you, I’m not gay and I had no intention of having any sort of anything with any guy in the bathroom at a Van Halen concert.

I look over at him and make eye contact and that changed everything. All of a sudden he thought it would be perfectly fine to engage me in conversation and asked me how I was doing. I said “fine” and went back to trying to ignore him when he whispered to me, “Hey buddy, you want to do me a favor?” Now I’m sure he’s going to whip out his dick right there and try to stick it up my butt in front of everyone pissing in the bathroom. I try to ignore him and act like I didn’t hear what he said so of course he leans in closer and asks again. This time I politely said, “What kind of favor?” He gets this big smile on his face, like he just landed some sort of fish and says, “I want to get some pot into the concert and I need some help.” Now I’m thinking there is nothing unusual about trying to sneak drugs into a concert, but he was already past the main gate, as far as I could tell, he was home free, so I asked, “Why do you need help sneaking in pot? All you have to do is walk from the bathroom to the auditorium and nobody is going to check you there anyway. If you made it this far, then your fine.” He looked at me like I was bat shit crazy and said, “They have secret police here watching for pot heads and they have my picture on digital scanner. If they see my face, they will bust my ass right then.”

So now I’m thinking this guy is some sort of paranoid schizophrenic and I get a little panicky. Especially when he pulls this rubber glove out of his jacket pocket and holds it up to my face. “I can put the pot in this glove and you can go into that stall and shove it up your ass,” he tells me. I stand there in amazement at what he is saying looking at this glove six inches from my nose and wonder if it’s been up his ass.

Now this is where the story gets interesting.”

“Is this where we get to your wife?” Kate asked.

“I’m getting there, keep your panties on,” Kent replied. “So I take his glove, big mistake I find out later, and walk over and toss it in the trash can. This guy flips out and starts accusing me of stealing from me and now everyone in the bathroom is watching this nut case scream at me and all I want to do is take a piss. I tried to ignore him again, turning away and he walks over and stands right in front of me. I turn again and he gets in my face again. So I tell him to leave me alone and the next thing I know some guy I never saw grabbed me and shoved me to the ground. I have my face lying on the pee stained tile floor with a guy pinning me down with a knee on my neck and another freak yelling at me for stealing his glove.

“Who is this other guy?” Kate asks.

“Fuck if I know,” Kent replied. “But he was determined to do a drug cavity search right there on the spot and tried to shove his finger up my asshole.”

“With your pants on?”

“I was wearing jogging shorts so it wasn’t too much of a stretch. Hell, it was July and hot as Hell out. Anyway, next thing I know, I have this guy digging in my asshole looking for drugs while another guy is digging in the trash can looking for a glove that he swears I stole.”

“Did you scream for help?” Kate asked.

“Yes, but I think everyone was enjoying watching me be anally raped by some freak and his schizo boyfriend in the bathroom.”

“Which Van Halen tour was this?” Kate asked.

“I’m getting my asshole reamed by some dude in the bathroom and you want to know which tour it was?” Kent asked sardonically. “I think it was the asshole rape tour.”

“Go on,” Kate said with a determined reporter like look on her face.

“After what seems like ten minutes, he finally pulls his dirty finger out of my ass and lets me get up off the floor. He pulls out his wallet and shows me his identification and it says, “Staff security” and I freak out. Turns out this guy works for the auditorium and wasn’t this nut cases friend after all. I asked him by what authority did he have to do a butt check on me and he said he was told by his manager to keep an eye out for any illegal drug activity he found and report it back. I asked him if that meant asshole rape and he said he thought so. He thought so? I told him I was pissed and I was getting a lawyer and suing him and his company for violating my civil rights.”

“Good for you, how did that go?” Kate asked.

“He got real nervous and I think he thought he was going to jail, because he started stammering and trying to think of something to say. I told him to wait a minute while I took a leak and stepped up to the urinal and let it rip. Then he takes off running while I’m in mid piss and he’s gone.”

“Are you sure he worked for the auditorium? I mean this sounds pretty iffy.”

“Oh, it gets better,” Kent replied. “I get done with my piss and walk out of the bathroom and what do I see? The same girl, my current wife, is standing next to this freak over by the escalators talking and he’s sniffing his finger and babbling a hundred miles an hour.

I’m thinking, if this guy was really trying to get away, why didn’t he run to the other side of the building or try to hide in the crowd, not stand thirty feet away in plain sight.”

“You call that better?” Kate asked.

“Hold on, I’m getting to the good part.” Kent said shaking his head. “I walk over to this prick and his girlfriend and push this guy backwards and yell at him again for violating my civil rights. He looks at Shandy, who is an eighteen year old hot as Hell sex kitten and signals for her to talk. She stands there looking at me like a stupid dog who doesn’t understand English and I repeat the statement slower this time thinking maybe she’s not from America.”

“Where is she from?” Kate asked.

“Oh, she’s from America, but that’s not the point. She tells me that she wasn’t the one who stuck her finger up my ass and that I shouldn’t take my anger out on her.”

“I’m confused,” Kate said sheepishly. “Why did he defer to her if she had no part in it?”

“That’s the kicker, he walked up to her randomly and started talking as if he knew her.

She had no freaking idea who he was, just that his finger smelled like shit and that he was probably nuts.”

“Does this story have a happy ending?” Kate asked.

“I did get a Van Halen guitar pick at the end if that’s what you mean. I still have it in my safe at home. It has Eddie Van Halen’s DNA all over it.”

“No, I mean with the guy with the stinky finger.”

“Not sure if happy is the right word, but the guy with the glove came out of the bathroom and accused Mr. Stinky finger of hitting on me and the two of them got into the weirdest girly fight I ever saw to guys get into. They pulled hair, bit and scratched each other and when the real security guards finally broke them apart, the glove guy was balling like a baby and stomping on the floor like a child who lost his favorite toy.”

“And what does this have to do with your wife?” Kate asked looking at her watch.

“Oh, well she took off and I didn’t see her again for a month.” Kent replied.

“You went through this entire bathroom rape scene just to tell me you ran into your wife for like a minute? You really need to work on your story telling skills. When was the first time you and her actually had a date or real conversation?” Kate asked frustrated.

“That would have been about two weeks later I think,” Kent said thinking hard.

“I got ten minutes, go on.”

“Me and a friend of mine stopped at a national fast food restaurant on what I think was a Friday or Saturday night to get some burgers and something to drink.”

“So far this sounds like something from the Andy Griffith show, go on.”

“I don’t think Andy Griffith would like this,” Kent replied. “It was packed and there were three lines that went around the corner down the hall a bit. I knew it was going to take forever to get our food but I was starving and tired of driving around looking for pussy. We waited and waited and waited and finally we got about four people from the front of the line when I heard this guy yelling at the girl at the counter.”

“Was it your wife?” Kate asked.

“No, I’ll get to her later,” Kent replied.

“So it turns out this guy had walked in from outside after going through the drive though and was pissed because his order was all fucked up. He might have been drunk as well, I’m not sure. Anyway, the assistant manager walks up to the counter and tries to calm this asshole down and he just gets more and more pissed and she starts yelling back and the next thing you know he walks around the counter and starts fucking with the pop machine jacking it back and forth like he’s trying to rip it off the stand.”

“Did he knock the pop machine over?” Kate asked.

“It wasn’t a “pop machine” like you see in a store, this is the kind where you put your cup under the nozzle and press the lever with your cup and fill the cup.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, go on.”

“Now after a few shakes he realized that this thing is bolted down good and isn’t going anywhere so he moves on to the burger bin and starts grabbing and flinging burgers at the customers, at the drive through workers and back at the kitchen workers until the bin is empty. After he finished off the burgers, he tried to run back into the kitchen but was stopped by the assistant manager so he went over to the drive through and pulled the headset off the drive through worker and tossed them out the window.”

“Where is your wife in all of this?” Kate asked.

“Getting there,” Kent replied annoyed. “Do you want to hear this story or not?”

“Yes, we have five minutes to air, get on with it.”

“Ok, this drunk asshole again tries for the kitchen, only this time he spots the frier for the french fries and goes nuts. He pulls out a half cooked pan of fries and flings them at the crowd, boiling oil and all and splatters everyone near him. People are screaming and running away and somebody is yelling about calling the cops and the next thing you know this guy slips and his arm up to his elbow goes into the hot grease friar and starts cooking him. He didn’t have his arm in there more than a few seconds but when he pulled it out the skin on his arm was already starting to sluff off like old yogurt.”

“Old yogurt?” Kate asked.

“New yogurt doesn’t sluff very well,” Kent explained. “So this guy is screaming and holding his arm in agony when the cops finally show up to take this asshole down. By now, the lobby was almost clear except for the few of us hiding under the table, and we watched the cops try to talk this guy down and give himself up. It didn’t take long before they figured out you can’t really reason with a guy with a cooked arm who is screaming in pain so they tazered him and he fell backwards into the hot grease again and this time splattered his whole upper body with boiling oil.”

“That sounds awful!” Kate stated.

“Not as bad is it smelled,” Kent replied. “Ever smell burnt hair? This was like burnt hair squared. God I can still smell it to this day.”

“So now what happened to this guy?”

“I know they had a Hell of a time getting him in cuffs, I mean there was grease everywhere and the cops kept falling down and slipping on the grease. It was pretty funny. Especially when they brought the gurney in to take him in the ambulance. They couldn’t stop it from sliding back and forth on the tile floor and had a bitch of a time getting him strapped in.”

“Do we get to your girlfriend soon?” Kate asked looking at her watch.

“Oh yeah, when they finally left with him in the ambulance, me and my friend got out from under the table and tried to leave but the cops told us they needed our statements. They directed us to go outside and stand by the kids play and wait until they got back to us and not to leave.”

“So what did you do?”

“We were kids, Hell, we left,” Kent replied. “I ain’t waiting around for no cops.”

A long pause and Kate said, “We have to go live in about ninety seconds, we can finish this story after the interview.”

Kent shrugged his shoulders and said, “Alright, I was just getting to the good part, but I can wait.”

Ninety seconds passed and the button on the camera lit up red. Kate spoke up in her fake sounding reporter voice and introduced the interview. “This is Kate Spree, channel four news live in the hotel with hostage taker Kent Koperski, I hope I pronounced that correctly.”

“You did,” Kent replied. “Most people fuck it up pretty good.”

“Mr. Koperski, what exactly are you doing here, at this hotel right now?”

“To get right to the point, I caught my whore wife with her boyfriend fucking in this room and I came here with the intent to kill them both and send them straight to Hell,” Kent replied.

“So what are your demands?” Kate asked.

“Demands? I don’t have any demands,” Kent replied.

“I was led to believe this was a hostage situation?”

“You’re pretty fucking stupid if you believe every rumor you hear,” Kent said with a smile.

“You reporters, I hate you so much,” he added with a giggle.

“Then why haven’t you let them go?”

“Simple, if I let them go, then I go to jail, and I really, really want to put that off as long as possible.”

“Oh, so what we have is a basic standoff situation?” Kate asked.

“Yeah, you could say that,” Kent replied.

“What makes you think it will be any different if you give up now or wait till they starve you out?”

“Got me on television,” Kent said smugly. “Might as well make the best out of this situation.”

Disappointed, Kate looked to the camera and summarized the situation and signed off the live report. The light on the camera shut off and she knew they were no longer on air.

“What’s wrong?” Kent asked surprised. “Where you looking for a cock fight or something?”

“I was hoping for something with a little more bite to it, but we can’t win every time now can we?” Kate said winding up her microphone cord. “When was the last time you checked on your wife and her lover?”

“Six hours ago I think.”

“Don’t you think maybe you should see if they’re ok?” Kate asked in a superior tone of voice.

“Bitchy are we?” Kent replied. “Since when are you my momma?”

Kate sat and thought for a moment, looking like she had something to say but was afraid to spit it out. Kent looked at her with a curious look in his eye and waited for her to say something. “I have a proposition for you,” Kate said looking at the ground.

“A proposition?” Kent asked with a lilt in his voice.

Kate looked Kent in the eye and took a deep breath. “What if I told you I could make this all go away?”

“What do you mean?” Kent asked.

“As it sits now, your options are limited. You can walk out and surrender and go to prison, you can stay here until they force their way in and you go to prison, you can shoot your way out and end up dead, all of which end up badly for you.”

“Why do you think I’ve been sitting here for the last twenty hours?” Kent said smugly. “I know this is a no win situation, I am enjoying my last few hours of freedom, or life as it may turn out.”

“If you had any choice at all, what would you prefer to do? Other than the options I mentioned?”

“Personally, I would like to disappear in a poof of smoke and get past the blockade set up out there in the parking lot. Unless there is a sewage tunnel under this hotel leading to the river, I am basically fucked.” Kent said shaking his head. “I’m getting tired and I can’t stay awake much longer, they will be in here as soon as I doze off.”

“There in lies the issue, I can make that happen for you,” Kate stated like she was trying to sell Kent a vacuum cleaner.

“How?” Kent asked with a Patrickle. “Am I supposed to put on your skirt suit and walk out of here like I’m you?”

“Sort of,” she replied, “At least the walking out part that is. See, I’m a witch.” Kate waited for Kent to respond but he kept looking at her with his mouth shut. “I have powers and I can get you out of here.”

Kent nodded, knowing full and well that a witch could do something like that, but doubted her claim that she was indeed a witch. “For the sake of argument, let’s say you are indeed a witch. How do you get me out of here?”

“First of all we have to make a deal,” Kate said firmly. “This isn’t a one way ticket. You rub my back, I rub yours.”

“And your terms?” Kent asked.

“For the service of removing you safely from this situation, you must agree to impregnate my daughter and give me a grandchild.”

Kent ran his tongue over his teeth and thought about the offer. “What does she look like? Your daughter that is.”

Kate looked away for a second and bit her lower lip as she tried not to laugh. “Not pretty,” she replied. “Does that really matter?”

“You do realize that if I were to impregnate your daughter, I would be just as guilty of adultery as my wife was with that asshole from work. That would make me no better than her.”

“Oh, but there is a difference. When you do your deed, you will no longer be attached to her and by all rights will be free to impregnate anyone who will let you.”

“So it’s a free ticket both ways? I get out of here alive, and I don’t have to be a lying cheating asshole prick whore like she was?”

“Yes.”

“Are you a divorce lawyer?” Kent asked

“In my scenario, you won’t need a divorce.”

“How long do I have to complete my part of the deal?” Kent asked.

“I will give you thirty days to make my daughter with child.”

“And if I don’t? Or can’t”

“Then the deal is off and I make soup out of you,” Kate replied. “I make great soup.”

Kent stood up and walked to the window. He looked out at the state patrol cars lined up blocking his path to freedom. He looked to the flame thrower lying up against the wall and at the pistol and grenade he had tucked in his pants. Then back at Kate who sat on the edge of the bed looking up at him like a sad puppy dog. “Show me a picture of her first,” Kent said.

“Why does it matter? I’m not asking you to marry her, I want you to fuck her and get me a grand baby. Men like to fuck, what’s wrong with you?”

“I grant you that men do like to fuck, but I do have standards Miss. I don’t dip my pecker into just any poonie. What if she looks like a greasy pig with skin issues?” Kent snapped back.

“Put a blind fold on for God’s sake!” Kate replied pissed. “It’s still better than using a blow up doll!”

“Does she look anything like you?” Kent asked.

Kate hesitated and scratched her nose with her long fingernail. “No, she looks more like her dad.”

“What does he look like?”

“He looks like a fucking troll ok? I said it, he’s a fucking troll. I got drunk one night and had sex with a hairy disgusting troll and got knocked up, are you happy now?” Kate asked almost in tears.

“I’ve seen trolls,” Kent said. “There are a couple that live under the bridge outside of town. They look like Hell. I’d be better off screwing a pig in a pig pen, at least the pig won’t talk back to me. Oh my God what kind of an idiot do you think I am?” Kent said laughing.

“What if I up the offer?” Kate said looking at the wall in embarrassment.

“I might be able to jizz in a cup and...like how?” Kent asked.

“What do you want?” Kate asked looking back at Kent.

“This is sort of like the genie and the three wishes isn’t it?”

“I can’t grant wishes, I’m a witch, not a genie.”

“Then you need to tell me what you can do so I can decide.”

Kate leaned forward and gathered her thoughts. “I can cast spells, stuff like that.” she said in a high tone raising her hands in gesture.

“Can you curse someone?” Kent asked.

“I can cast a spell that would make someone’s life difficult, but that’s not the same as a curse. A curse lasts forever, a spell is a one time event.”

“I see,” Kent said in an evil way. “Well shit, can’t you cast a spell that makes your troll daughter look sexy and hot?”

“I never thought of that,” Kate said in a now more perky manner. “I could cast a spell that makes her look like anything you want and it would ware off as soon as you were done.”

“Not too soon,” Kent said. “Gimmy an hour to get out of town. If that’s your offer, I can go with that.”

“Then it’s a deal?” Kate asked.

“It’s a deal,” Kent replied and they shook hands over the deal. “Do I have to sign a contract?”

“I’m not the devil, I don’t do contracts. If you fail to make me a grandchild, I’ll fuck you over bad.”

“Alright, now for my part of the deal, get me the Hell out of here.”

Kate stood up and took Kent by the hand and walked over to the window.

“Take a look at the police and remember what you see, ok?” She then walked over to the bathroom door and put her ear against it to see if she could hear any voices. Nothing. “Are you sure you didn’t kill them” she asked.

“Didn’t touch them, not sure how good the ventilation is in there. Twenty hours in a locked bathroom might not be good on the lungs.” Kent replied.

Kate stood Kent at the door to the parking lot and faced him towards the outside. He started to put up his hands like he was going to surrender and Kate pulled them back down to his side. “You don’t need to do that,” she said comfortingly.

“You’re not giving up, you’re getting out. Now open the door.”

Kent grasped the door knob, turned it slowly and pulled in on the door letting in a puff of dark smoke from the outside. “What the Hell?” he asked loudly.

“Keep going,” Kate said and pushed him forward into the parking lot into the smoke where he began to cough and cover his eyes because of the sting of the smoke. She kept pushing him until the smoke subsided and before his eyes were a row of fire trucks spraying water on the hotel from which he just came from. He turned to see his room engulfed in flames and fire shooting out of the roof along with thick black plumes of smoke that rose into the dark night. Together, they walked across the parking lot towards one of the fire trucks and walked on past a fireman who didn’t see or hear them. It was like they weren’t even there.

“What’s going on?” Kent asked turning to look back at Kate.

“We are twenty hours back in time.” Kate replied.

“Why is the hotel on fire?” Kent asked.

“This time you didn’t have a change of heart and your burned them to death. Unfortunately for you, you didn’t make it out either.”

  To be continued...