***Best Friend ~ Lover ~ Warrior ~ Truth Speaker ~ Holder of Love and Grace***

Best Friend ~ Lover ~ Warrior ~ Truth Speaker ~ Holder of Love and Grace

Valentine's Day is an age old tradition about expressing our gratitude for the one we call "My Love" in our lives, which brings me to acknowledge the woman I call "My Love", along with the reasons why, which go far beneath the roots and stems of the beautiful Prince Charles roses we often give to express such love. This expression relates so intimately to what makes a Rose what it is, and the process involved in a Rose becoming what it is: delicate, captivating and powerful. As I was thinking about this, I wondered if my wife, Candice @basicbeing, still enjoyed the Roses I give her. Even so, the Roses I give her go beyond simply looking pretty on the table for a week, as they are a testament of what the love we share for each other is all about - This blog is my Valentine's gift to her.

Like a Rose

Photo by Simone Dalmeri on Unsplash

Roses, like Candice, are very dynamic. Roses have been cultivated and enjoyed for hundreds of years. They are a source of incredible aroma, used to make perfumes, foods, drinks and even medicines (rose hips). They have been, and still are, depicted in Art and Culture as symbols of love, war and peace. I used to grow roses, when Candice and I first met, in our front yard. My personal favorite is the Prince Charles, which is a Tea Rose. Although there are over 100 species of roses, the Tea Rose is particularly difficult to cultivate, and their traits are similar to the values and character I see and experience in Candice. Tea Roses require good soil, significant amounts of sun light, and careful pruning if healthy flowers are the hope. Pruning is one of the most important elements. When a Tea Rose grows, it produces many buds. If too many buds sprout, the nutrients will be distributed to thin, and the roses will not bloom - leaving them to rot in their leafy shells and fall to the ground – hence the necessity to prune. Pruning is a process that carefully cuts away the smaller buds, while allowing the larger, main-stem buds to remain. This frees up vital nutrients and gives the larger, healthier buds an opportunity to grow and bloom!
In my relationship with Candice, I have never met a person so dedicated to growth. Growth in her relationship to herself, and growth in her relationship with others! She is pruner! She prunes herself, and she definitely prunes me - which is why I enjoy her friendship so much. She moves me to grow. Without growth, we get locked up in our shells, hidden away from experiencing the world, and we rot away! Pruning is a careful process. One cannot just slash away at a Rose - there is a delicate process that requires wisdom and knowledge - and if not performed carefully, the Rose will die! Not only is Candice a woman who knows something about growth, she also knows something about how to promote growth. She is a skilled pruner!

Trust & Commitment

When Candice first met me, I was broken. I was at the beginning of a divorce that left me feeling hopeless and abandoned. Little did I know the healing journey I was about to embark upon through meeting this woman they call Candice! We started out with passion. Loving each other’s company and conversation, but we were challenged daily by the pain looming in my heart, and the doubt in hers. As we bumbled along with each other, my commitment extended as far as keeping my heart above water, and she was hopeful but questioned whether I was ready or able to enter into a committed relationship, especially after my Trust in love had been shattered. She had recently exited a relationship she felt was no longer for her, as her true self would not have been honored if she had chosen to remain. We were the last people who could say “yes, I am ready to jump right into a committed relationship”. Any marriage counselor would likely have told us that we were nuts…that would probably have been my advice. However, destiny had an agenda, and no matter how much my brain told me to stay single and focus on healing and getting my proverbial shit together, my heart relentlessly pulled me towards her, and for good reason.

My heart was torn. I had plans to leave to attend a University in a different city, and the only thing that summarizes how I felt is the song lyrics by The Clash: "should I stay or should I go? If I go, there will be trouble and if I stay there will be double". Come on, I am a Libra, so naturally I flop all over the entire globe, wondering...what is the right thing to do? I then went on a road trip to Victoria to check out the University I was going to attend. I arrived in Victoria feeling sick to my stomach about being there, knowing that something was not right. My gut was saying: this is not your path - go home!

I listened. I jumped in my car the next day, and drove 1600kms home – my typical overreaction when feeling something strong. Two days later Candice came over for a visit, curious as to why I had arrived back so soon and what the deal was. At this point, she was starting to get used to my Libra flip flop routine, I think. One minute I was telling her I was staying, the next I was leaving. She came over and we chilled out to our regular dinner, wine and a movie, but this time there was a little twist. Candice turned quickly towards me, mid-movie, and said "we need to talk". In man language that translates to one of two things: something amazing or something horrible. Yes….us men are often all or nothing, black and white thinkers. We regularly assume the worst, often overlook the best, and can completely fail to multi-task with everything else in-between. Thank God for women – we men simply would not survive without them! Thankfully in that moment I felt neither of those two things, which was the first for me! The next words out of her mouth changed our life in a way I would never have had imagined, and I believe it was what needed to happen (connected to a deep struggle) in order for me to see the goodness standing right in-front of me! Her next words were: I am pregnant! In that moment, I thought for sure I would have freaked out, had a full on panic attack, or something involving a trip to the washroom! Maybe I would lose it, thinking "what now?" But the Truth is that I felt none of those things at all, but rather I felt complete peace; not because I wasn't afraid of being a Father or because I wasn’t wondering what the next step was, but because I knew that the woman in-front of me was, and is, a kind, loving, fearless, committed, Truthful, gracious person to the core of her being! That, although I had so many unanswered questions, lingering insecurities, and basically no plan, I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be, and that it was safe to be vulnerable with her because she was in exactly the same place, and she knew it! - A Speaker of Truth! In other words, this person is cut from a different piece of cloth than I was used to experiencing in relationship: one that holds and brings goodness, honors truth, and moves away from destruction in relationship! I turned to her, told her I loved her, and said "I am not going anywhere". That is where our journey together began. From that moment, my commitment was concrete, and it came out of my greatest vulnerability: abandonment. I was abandoned by my father as a child, and there was no way I was following that path for myself, not then; not ever! I honored that, but the healing process has not come easy - but no great thing does!
We spent that year living and being with each other, but chose to focus on building our friendship absent of sexual intimacy - for over a year! Yes.....that's right guys.......there is much more to an amazing relationship than just sex! We had the most amazing time together, and Candice was able to develop a level of Trust and Commitment with and to me based on a sense of True connection and friendship that took time to build and willingness to Trust the process. We fell in Love, and that love was, and still is, rooted in a deep bond of friendship, one that challenged, and still challenges me, to become more of man I hope to be. It was one of the greatest years of my life, and every year that has followed has been filled with growth. She brought some of the most amazing people into my life! I have nothing but gratitude: thank you Candice – you truly are an amazing human being! That year, a wonderful life and spirit entered our world: Freya. Her joy is the most contagious thing I know!

Mover & Shaker

A mover and a shaker is a person who walks each day with intent, but that intent begins with a commitment to move and shake self first, and see each struggle as an opportunity to push forward in vision and purpose, while being present in the moment(s) you are in now. Candice does this each day, from the smallest things, to the big deal stuff. From making our daughters lunch, to being in service to her friends and family, and then on to helping her patients move through the challenges they face in major life events. She chooses each day to see the purpose and meaning in every struggle. If the purpose and meaning isn't obvious, she Trusts and gives her best. Every experience, including the ones she feels most vulnerable in and deeply hurt by, she constantly reminds herself to be willing, trust the process, and move with intention towards what she believes is true. That problems and challenges do not make us victims – they provide us with opportunities for growth and healing – for greater meaning and purpose – and for the chance to see something more than just our own pain. She has loved me when I am unlovable. She has comforted me when it is her that needs comfort. She points out the way by walking their first! She is an incredible wife, a loving mother, a best friend, and an incredible Doctor. If you come into relationship with a mover and a shaker, you will be challenged to your core, count on it. They will put it back to you, call you on your shit, challenge you to see the bigger picture, and love you when you want to push the world away. There is a reason that movers and shakers have the name they do - the reason they shake is because they move, not the other way around. Candice doesn't wait for others to get on board - she gets going and leaves it to others to decide if the path is for them or not. It’s just what she does. It not only drives me absolutely crazy (she can move faster than I can), but it encourages and inspires me – it deeply challenges me to be true to myself and values. It sets an example that moves away from co-dependence and independence, and lands you right smack into inter-dependence - the place where leadership, vision and mastery live; and guilt, control and power struggles die. She cultivates a friendship where I feel known by her. She turns towards even in conflict. Where problems in relationship are opportunities to move and grown, and the problems themselves are not used as excuses and deal breakers. Where shared vision and creative meaning are apex, and when the way is unknown and stressful, it means you push in, not away. That's what makes this woman an amazing Valentine, and an amazing woman! The day me met, a fire was set. Not a wild fire, nor a fire without purpose or direction.

Fire Master

Photo Credit: dominik lange on Unsplash

Movers and shakers are also pokers and prodders; when the fire is starting to smolder, there she is with a stick in her hand (where she finds them, I do not know) poking and prodding the fire....generating original energy and keeping others warm. Candice is a fire sign (Leo) and I am a wind sign (Libra) - Fire and wind create energy that builds forward momentum. Fires that go untended, however, can either runaway without direction, create damage, and then get PUT OUT; or they eventually burn out on their own. In either case, they both go out. Is that it? No! Neither of them is good or bad, but both have potential to become a tended fire that can be enjoyed. Tended fires go out also, but they do so after they have fulfilled their purpose: keeping you warm, giving you light, creating a space to enjoy life and people! Candice and I have cultivated the fire in our relationship by cultivating our friendship, and if friendships are to survive, they must be tended or they will either burn out or move in a direction you don't want to go. Candice tends a nice fire, just ask her friends. She constantly invests in her friendship with me, and I with her. Fire poking also goes further, though. Over the years both Candice and I have spent a considerable amount of time camping, and out in the woods. We both know how to build a good fire. Every once and while, though, you come across people who do not know how to get the fire they need going - wet wood, no axe, no dry paper and wet matches. It is simply no good to just light a fire for them; they reap no benefit whatsoever. Teach a person how to light and tend their own fire, and they will enjoy that for the rest of their life. One of the reasons I am so fond of and admire my wife so much is because she teaches me! No matter what happens in life, what she has taught me about how to tend my own life's fire will stay with me forever!

Candice:

You are my best friend. Your love and friendship moves me. Watching you move and inspire others brings power into my heart. You deserve nothing less than honor. Take joy - for you are in your power and right in God's heart. You are an amazing daughter, an incredible mother, and an inspiration to people and families. Even in your weakness and vulnerability, your love is strong. Thank you for inviting me into your life and sharing this journey work of the stars together. Your daughter has one hell of a Mamma and we have one hell of a life and beautiful daughter.

Happy Valentines Candice ~ I Love You

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