I Was Becoming An Alcoholic (But It's Not What You Think)

You probably expect this to be a juicy post where I divulge all of my secrets of what drove me to alcoholism.

And I will tell you. But it’s not that juicy. And it’s not a long story.

The short answer is this: bugs.

Bugs drove me to alcoholism because sometimes foreign bugs are crazy. They’re like an army of tiny gremlins that have genetically evolved...

...into untouchable superbugs, resistant to all futile human attempts to ward them off.

I'll explain how alcohol ties into this, but first, a warning. The info in this may not be entirely accurate, because, well, my memory sometimes can't be fully trusted.

And I'm writing this post because I got inspired by @olawalium when he did a throwback post last week.

Sometimes it's fun to relive old memories, and hey... maybe you can learn something about protecting yourself from bugs while traveling!

First tip: Always use protection!

You'd think that bug spray would be good enough protection. But oh no.

Not in Mexico.

The superbug struggle was real.

I think those bugs were eating too many magical beans (you know the beans, beans, the magical fruit song? hehe) that were making them stronger because bug spray would NOT keep them away.

I had been in Mexico for about an hour...

...when a literal army of bugs attacked.

They just gobbled me up!

These weren't any ordinary bug bites.

Oh no, they were super-bug bites.

Guess how long they lasted for?

Guess!

Ok, I'll tell you. 7 weeks!!

I was in Mexico for only 5 weeks, which means I had to look like acne-legs for over a month.

I'm sure anybody who has an inclination towards being slightly on the shallow side would not have befriended me (based on the horrendous site of my legs alone).

The itch was unreal.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep.

Ok, fine. I could eat. I can always eat.

But sleep was hard to come by...

...and I couldn't stop the itch!

I had heard that alcohol was supposed to help.

So, even though I didn't drink alcohol, I bought the cheapest bottle of cacique I could find, and rubbed it all over my legs.

I smelled like I stayed up all night partying...

...and I'm sure that gave some people the wrong first impression of me, haha.

I was addicted to the stuff.

Putting alcohol on my legs every 10 minutes trying to dry these suckers out.

It didn't work. My alcoholism was doing me no good. Then one day, my new friend told me she was tired of looking at the ugly bumps on my legs every day.

That's when I had a bright idea.

Why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone?

Have you ever had a chigger bite? You know how the remedy is to paint your bites with clear nail polish?

Well.

I didn't have any of that with me... but I DID have some pink nail polish. Maybe pink would work to help relieve my itch!

So, I whipped out my tiny travel bottle and made the transition from alcoholism to getting high off of paint fumes.

I started painting every single bug bite I could find.

I even ended up connecting the dots sometimes to see what kind of picture I could make out if it (yeah, I know, I need to get a life).

This was the end result:

Not only were my legs itch-free...

...but they were now also pretty!

My friend didn't have to stare at ugly legs anymore!

AND... bonus points... I made even MORE friends. Because, when I walked down the street, they ended up being a great conversation starter (unplanned side effect).

If you're ever lonely in a foreign country...

Maybe you could paint your legs and arms. I'm sure SOMEONE will ask you about it, and you'll have an excuse to talk to them, if you're shy.

Now, I didn't want to continually get bit by more bugs, so I had to figure out the best way to keep them away.

I asked several local Mexicans and I don't know if they were pulling my eaten-up leg. But their answer to my question wasn't what I was expecting.

They said to put shampoo on my legs.

Shampoo!!!

So, I did it. Every day. And guess what??

It worked!

No more bug bites!

Except for the ugly ones that were now sporting their new pink makeover on my legs!

If you're ever traveling, and your bug spray doesn't seem strong enough... just remember this lesson through me. Use shampoo and you'll be okay.