Vegemite: Weapon of mass destruction or innocent spread

If ever proof was needed that Vegemite is a dangerous product of mass destruction suitable to be used by only the most highly-trained people, and those accustomed to its power and strength, it was gained today. Of course, those who know the product well and are trained in its ways will understand the true extent of its potency; This select group, the rare breed they call Australian’s, are well aware that Vegemite can be a powerful force however it is not a force used for evil, unless you call encouraging some unsuspecting tourist of the uninitiated kind to spread it far too thickly on their bread at their first attempt at trying the substance evil. For those who know what it actually tastes like might argue that could possibly be called evil. Other than that the power of the black substance is generally held in check by the quite innocent looking plastic lid which renders it quite safe and stable. Certainly a threat to no one.

Today at Heathrow Airport security however it was deemed that Vegemite was indeed ”too dangerous to fly” and so my stash of Vegemite, the one I had carefully transported around England, was confiscated. Yes, removed from my possession, taken away, torn from my loving embrace! OK, so it wasn’t really torn away, however it was taken from me and I was told it would be destroyed. WTF!

Now, I have my suspicious that the operator at the security-checkpoint who was rifling through my carry-on bag had a different agenda; One that had little to do with airport security and plenty to do with Vegemite-envy. You see, he had shifty eyes and an ill-favoured cast about him. It was not difficult to see that he wanted my Vegemite for himself, quite understandable considering he was English and is therefore only able to get Marmite, that poor imitation of Vegemite that plagues the United Kingdom with its foulness. It’s packaged the same as Vegemite and despite imitation being the highest form of flattery it is a poor substitute, very poor indeed.

So, the ill-favoured looking, shifty-eyed, greedy, covetous security guy, whose name was Mohammad, removed from my ownership my Vegemite which was destined for delivery today to my brother in Finland to save his Australian-ness as he has been Vegemiteless for many years and is in danger of fading away into nothing. Sure, the plane I am flying on is safe from the perceived threat of Vegemite however I wonder just how real that threat was in the first place. A negligible threat-factor if anything at all.

Alas, my Vegemite is destined for “destruction” which is code for destined for Mohammad’s fucking toast...Or is it?

Before my Vegemite being brutal torn from my loving embrace I cracked the seal and opened it having devised a cunning plan in my ofttimes childish mind. Mohammad didn’t even flinch confirming my suspicion that he didn’t believe it was, indeed, dangerous at all. I could smell the lovely Vegemitness of it and brought it to my mouth. Right before Mohammad’s shifty eyes I licked the smooth surface of Vegemite within the jar tasting its awesomeness on my tongue then screwed the lid back on and handed it to him with a smile. I’m not sure if that action will prevent The ill-favoured, crafty Mohammad from consuming my Vegemite however I felt some small sense of satisfaction for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tasted some Vegemite which is always a good thing and secondly my childishness may just have prevented security-guy from taking my Vegemite home for his own use. It is small consolation though.

So, now I have to advise my brother in Finland on arrival later today that his Australian-ness may be in peril until I get home and post him some Vegemite although I have a couple of cans of Milo for him which may just stave-off the decline in his Australian-ness long enough for me to get some Vegemite to him.

So, quite obviously Vegemite is too dangerous to fly. It’s clearly put into the same dangerous goods category as tooth paste, tweezers, nail clippers and other items of mass destruction that are banned from flights. It all sounds quite curious as in my last flight they handed me metal cutlery (knife and fork) for me to eat my meal with and a long-stemmed glass for me to drink my red wine from. Hmm, these items must not be dangerous.