Vegemite: Weapon of mass destruction or innocent spread
If ever proof was needed that Vegemite is a dangerous product of mass destruction suitable to be used by only the most highly-trained people, and those accustomed to its power and strength, it was gained today. Of course, those who know the product well and are trained in its ways will understand the true extent of its potency; This select group, the rare breed they call Australian’s, are well aware that Vegemite can be a powerful force however it is not a force used for evil, unless you call encouraging some unsuspecting tourist of the uninitiated kind to spread it far too thickly on their bread at their first attempt at trying the substance evil. For those who know what it actually tastes like might argue that could possibly be called evil. Other than that the power of the black substance is generally held in check by the quite innocent looking plastic lid which renders it quite safe and stable. Certainly a threat to no one.
Today at Heathrow Airport security however it was deemed that Vegemite was indeed ”too dangerous to fly” and so my stash of Vegemite, the one I had carefully transported around England, was confiscated. Yes, removed from my possession, taken away, torn from my loving embrace! OK, so it wasn’t really torn away, however it was taken from me and I was told it would be destroyed. WTF!
Now, I have my suspicious that the operator at the security-checkpoint who was rifling through my carry-on bag had a different agenda; One that had little to do with airport security and plenty to do with Vegemite-envy. You see, he had shifty eyes and an ill-favoured cast about him. It was not difficult to see that he wanted my Vegemite for himself, quite understandable considering he was English and is therefore only able to get Marmite, that poor imitation of Vegemite that plagues the United Kingdom with its foulness. It’s packaged the same as Vegemite and despite imitation being the highest form of flattery it is a poor substitute, very poor indeed.
So, the ill-favoured looking, shifty-eyed, greedy, covetous security guy, whose name was Mohammad, removed from my ownership my Vegemite which was destined for delivery today to my brother in Finland to save his Australian-ness as he has been Vegemiteless for many years and is in danger of fading away into nothing. Sure, the plane I am flying on is safe from the perceived threat of Vegemite however I wonder just how real that threat was in the first place. A negligible threat-factor if anything at all.
Alas, my Vegemite is destined for “destruction” which is code for destined for Mohammad’s fucking toast...Or is it?
Before my Vegemite being brutal torn from my loving embrace I cracked the seal and opened it having devised a cunning plan in my ofttimes childish mind. Mohammad didn’t even flinch confirming my suspicion that he didn’t believe it was, indeed, dangerous at all. I could smell the lovely Vegemitness of it and brought it to my mouth. Right before Mohammad’s shifty eyes I licked the smooth surface of Vegemite within the jar tasting its awesomeness on my tongue then screwed the lid back on and handed it to him with a smile. I’m not sure if that action will prevent The ill-favoured, crafty Mohammad from consuming my Vegemite however I felt some small sense of satisfaction for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I tasted some Vegemite which is always a good thing and secondly my childishness may just have prevented security-guy from taking my Vegemite home for his own use. It is small consolation though.
So, now I have to advise my brother in Finland on arrival later today that his Australian-ness may be in peril until I get home and post him some Vegemite although I have a couple of cans of Milo for him which may just stave-off the decline in his Australian-ness long enough for me to get some Vegemite to him.
So, quite obviously Vegemite is too dangerous to fly. It’s clearly put into the same dangerous goods category as tooth paste, tweezers, nail clippers and other items of mass destruction that are banned from flights. It all sounds quite curious as in my last flight they handed me metal cutlery (knife and fork) for me to eat my meal with and a long-stemmed glass for me to drink my red wine from. Hmm, these items must not be dangerous.
Hahahaha you are hilarious! Way to stick it to the man. Sorry about your loss of powerful Aussie yumminess.
It’s back to the old drawing board for fresh Vegemite-procurement-ideas for old mate Mohammad huh? Gotta get up earlier than that to out-Fox an Aussie Mohammad! A well-placed lick and BOOM, Vegemite is rendered inedible by any except the licker. Ya should have seen his face...Looked like Wile E Coyote who just got out-foxed on a Road Runner cartoon. The look on old mate Mohammad’s face: Priceless. Was worth relinquishing my Vegemite for that! :)
Thanks for your comment @wildlocusthoney
Bwahahahahahaha, you're a nut for real mate. Shifty bastard. I mean what is the yeast to do, murder someone? Miloooooooooo, yes, anytime. They really don't think the whole travel ban on yeast and clippers and such through very well do they. Better send @galenkp some Vegemite soon or he'll be finish.
Haha, yeah, the shifty bugger probably thought Christmas came early when he saw my Vegemite then it all came crashing down with one well-placed lick. :)
Chalk up one for the G-man, zero for Mohammad the security guy.
Hahahahahaha, no Mohammad, non for you indeed unless he found you attractive and wanted to get really intimate with that Vegemite after you gave it a good lick, one never knows
That is just un Australian to take ones Vegemite :(
Yep, I can only agree.
Mohammad was most likely concerned you would spread it too thickly on the captains toast resulting in an air control nightmare... They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but Vegemite trumps them both.
‘Ain’t that the truth! :)
it was very obvious at the World Cup, where good players brought England to semi final, but lack of Vegemite prevented them from getting into the finals.
Ah yes, their Vegemitless breakfasts were the harbinger of their ultimate failure. A very valid point you make. It’s sinply incredible what a Vegemite sandwich is capable off, or indeed, lack of one. Quite clearly Marmite doesn’t do the trick.
lol best part was when you licked it so Mohammad could't use. It had me rolling on the floor just imagining
True story. A good lick of something is a great way to prevent its use by others. :)
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! What about his Australianess? I was hoping that one of the photos of the reunion would be him biting into it and regaining his rightful power.
I can almost guarantee that security guy is knee deep in that jar as we speak! Oh the horror....the horror.
I know right?! @tarazkp may fade away completely to something other than Australian. It’s a real possibility! I wanted to be there when his wife tried it for the first time. Now my fun is ruined!
That sucks! You were so looking forward to give it to your brother so he doesn't lose his Australian-ness. I hope you're able to mail some to him soon. That's strange that you got it all the way there... except the last little leg of the journey. Sorry, man!
Yeah, I made a little joke-post about it but to be honest I was pretty mad. My wife reckons I looked like I was going to jump the counter and go all spider-monkey on the guy. As it was they called a second guy over to deal with me so I must have looked annoyed enough to make them feel he needed backup. Still, getting taken away and cavity searched isn’t my idea of fun so I backed off to avoid a diplomatic incident. :)
I’ll get some spread of the gods (Vegemite) to him by mail when I get home.
Good for you for avoiding getting arrested and shipped back to Australia in a crate. I don't actually know what they do to you if you act out for them
stealingconfiscating your food. They probably don't put your food in the crate with you though. :(Haha, yep I think the crate would be devoid of food and it’s a long way back to Aus!
After seeing your little niece, are you thinking of moving to Finland? Or at least somewhere a little closer to them? How about trying to convince that brother of yours to move back to the Land Down Under? I hear they have Vegemite there. ;)
Hmm, a good question my man. I’d love to be closer to my family of course but the language barrier here, the cofactors my dad is in a nursing home in Adelaide and that my wife’s business is there too sort of precludes it. As for my brother moving back...I don’t think it’ll happen, not anytime soon anyway. His wife hasn’t been there so I guess she’d want to check it out first. Never say never though I guess. It’s a big move for either though really, us here or them to Australia. I’ve thought about it though. I also have another brother back in Australia (about 4,000km Waldron where I live) whose wife is giving birth in August. We’re pretty spread out so it’s difficult to know where to be I guess.
Hopefully the question wasn't too much of an intrusion. I don't want to pry. You have thought it out well. It makes sense that you're close to your dad. I would be too. And I hadn't even thought about the language barrier. I talk with so many people from so many places that sometimes it's easy to forget that not everyone speaks English.
I'd be curious to hear the story of how your family got so spread out. Again, don't want to pry though.
Good for you for making the effort to stay in touch. It's so easy nowadays to lose touch, and family is one of the main things that we should hold onto.
Wasn’t prying at all mate, I only speak English and so coming to Finland to live won’t work so well. Speaking the language is probably going to become less of an issue as time goes by as most of the younger generation speak English here but to do what I do speaking the language would be necessary.
We just got spread out as time went by as work and relationships tended to take each of us in different directions. I am the only one who stayed in Adelaide where we were all born.
@galenkp Have you ever used it. But anyways it's a nice post.Keep it up.
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