For those of you that read the things that I put on here, you will likely notice that I have a number of recurring themes. My love for video games (particularly MMO's and platformers) and movies that are atypical to name a few. However, another one that I like to believe I have a lot more experience than most is acquiring visas to a country that is notorious for not wanting to give them to you: Namely, Thailand.

The Problem

I know a lot of people that live in Thailand that are not Thai. Virtually all of them have difficulties maintaining their visas. These people own businesses with entirely Thai staff, work as teachers in Thai public schools, and are married and have Thai kids (some of which aren't even the biological parent of said children.) Yet a vast majority of these people are treated like criminals every time they attempt to legally stay in the country. I include myself in this mix.

I have at one point in time been an employer of 20 Thai residents and provided them with better-than-average salaries, paid taxes (more than I should have paid,) and always abided by the rules of the Kingdom. Yet virtually every time I want to get another visa i would receive the "why do you stay in MY COUNTRY so long?" grilling from the officials.

There have been a tremendous amount of "busts" that have been caught on camera of these officials accepting bribes and even stealing money from people right in front of them - massive abuses of power to the point where you quickly figure out that if you want to stay, you pay under the table and this is a very dangerous game to get involved in. By bribing officials you have now left the realm of being treated like a criminal and now actually are one. However, they don't really give you much choice.

After more than 10 years of legally being allowed in the country, begrudgingly, by officials that had to eventually let me in, i was denied a visa that I am legally entitled to simply because, and this was their official reason.... I had too many Thailand stamps in my passport. So I decided to come up with a solution that worked like a charm this time around.

My Plan!

• I returned to my home country and simply got a new passport. There is nothing illegal about this and the people at the passport agency didn't even care that my old passport was still valid. I had a whole list of reasons prepared and was even prepared to "lose" the passport if necessary..... IT wasn't necessary. As it turns out, if you have the money for a replacement passport they don't really care why you want it.
• Forget how to speak Thai - all the times that I am talking to anyone that works for the Consulate I "have no idea how to speak the language" despite the fact that I am can speak Thai better than 99% of the non Thai people on the planet
• Make fake bookings for hotels throughout the trip by simply using photoshop. I know this is not nice, but the people behind the counter are never going to check, they are just being a**holes. I realize this from many years of dealing with them. Keep in mind that no actual businesses are harmed by this tactic (I used to own a hotel and would never do this)
• Have a flight out of the country that conveniently coincides with the date that I know Immigration officials are looking for you to be leaving the country. There are number of ways to do this: Pay a fortune for an actual flight that is fully refundable, then cancel it immediately after you have the printout -or- go to one of the myriad of websites that exist that can make a fake itinerary for you. Obviously you would not be able to get on the actual plane with these things but again, the Consular official is not going to stay on hold with Expedia to a call center in New Delhi for 30 minutes to confirm you have a real booking.
• Have a bank statement: If you don't have the arbitrary amount of money they are looking for (mine was $7000) simply download your actual bank statement and then photoshop some extra numbers on there. Again, they are not going to check and even if they did the privacy rules of your bank would not tell them this information unless there was a court order and there WILL NOT BE.

The End Result

I walked into a Consulate like this one (it wasn't this one, in case anyone is thinking of 4-channing me) and 5 minutes later I left with confirmation of a new visa, which i will pick up tomorrow.

This makes me relieved and also a bit sad at the same time. You see, I want to obey the rules but when the rules are designed to force you to fail and are easily circumvented with slightly nefarious behavior, well, people are going to do that. I don't want to do this but I have a life in that country and a dog that I care about more than most people. I am not going to simply walk away.

I know many good people that are being basically chased out of the country by these absurd rules and mountains of useless paperwork that doesn't prove anything anyway. Other than my passport literally none of the documents that I gave these people are genuine. I don't WANT TO BREAK THE rules! However, when the criteria for denying me is something as absurd as having "too many stamps in my passport," stamps I acquired legally, what else can i do?

I'll update all of ya's once i am actually in Thailand. If i end up writing it from a holding cell we will know that my arrogance was unwarranted.