What To Expect in America

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I like to research destinations before I make any trip and my forthcoming trek to The Land Of The Free to the first Writers' Block meetup in Gatlinburg requires some investigation.

Documentation and Legalities

 
I booked my flights before checking this. Oops. Will I need a visa? Will I be turned away at the border or interned at Guantanamo Bay? Thankfully, this was quite easy to sort out. With a full British passport, all I had to do was apply for the visa waiver programme, confirm I was definitely not intent on terrorism or genocide, and voilà - within hours I had a thumbs up from the cuddly folks at the Department of Homeland Security.

Upon landing stateside, I should expect to be manhandled by super friendly TSA agents. Should they take a liking to me I can expect a full cavity search. I shall, therefore, endeavor to ensure I am at least wearing clean underwear and that I am neatly trimmed in all necessary places.

Language

 
I recognize that Americans make their own rules up for using my mother tongue. I shall, however, let most of this go - not wishing to offend my hosts. I will do them a favour and leave my spare letter U's at home along with my favourite brightly coloured armour, which incidentally is made out of aluminium.

I won't wash at the sink but at the faucet. I will walk on the sidewalk instead of the pavement. I will try to get used to the fact that gas is actually a liquid I know, weird, right?

Theatres don't exist. Litres are unheard of, as is jewellery.

Speaking of litres, I am at least glad that I spent much of my youth growing up in Italy, and am therefore quite conversant with the metric system so should I need to buy some gas petrol/fuel I will understand liters. Did I mention gas is now a liquid?

Crisps are chips, chips are fries. Doughnuts are donuts and jam is jelly.

Courtesy and Customs

 
Having spent much of my life watching US movies and TV shows I think I already know how to converse in a manner the locals are accustomed to. I will wish everyone a nice day at every opportunity, even if it is obvious that a nice day is far from being had. When visiting eateries or bars I shall ensure to tip everyone I come into contact with.

Prices do not include taxes. That's just weird.

Sarcasm and wit are not fully understood by our American cousins, so I shall reign in my sarcastic tendencies and make fart jokes instead.

Us Brits are a reserved lot. We tend to frown at smiling strangers, so I expect this will take a bit of adjusting on my part not to suspect smiling people of being weirdos.

Guns are for farmers and fox hunts here in the UK. I will fully expect everyone to be carrying at least a Colt 45, if not a fully loaded AR-15. I shall try not to ask passing officers of the law if I can try their gun.

It's a Question of Size

 
I realise not realize that England is the size of a national park in The States, heck, they probably have carparks bigger. Food portions are said to be yuuuuuggggeeee. Despite what my middle-aged spread might say, I don't eat that much. I therefore expect to eat probably once while in Gatlinburg.

Being a bit of a wine drinker I was however happily shocked to discover that wine comes in 3 litre sigh, liter bottles! I WILL have a nice day, thank you very much. Speaking of alcohol, it seems strange to a Brit that a pharmacy would sell you booze, cigarettes and machine guns. A pharmacy in the UK tries to keep you alive.

I hope all of this stands me in good stead for an enjoyable trip to the US. What could possibly go wrong?

Do you have any advice for a Brit travelling sigh, traveling to America? Educate me below please.

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