What if Home is Where You Don't Belong
Lately, I had a deep think about my choices in life. How do you know if your choices are right? The life decisions that you made. Do you doubt it sometimes? Because it has always been either this or that, one thing will take you in a totally different direction. A totally different place. And when things don't work out, or turn out as expected, you start thinking, what if you chose the other way? Would life be any better?
If you are happy and content where you are, then you made the right choice. This is the right life for you. But what if you have to go through all the struggles and sacrifices just so you can have that kind of life you want? You didn't choose the easy way. Means vs the end. You believe that good things, really good things take time to unfold. Because you know, things are not just handed to you. But what if things don't work anymore? And life has become a neverending struggle, is it time to stop? Is it time to choose another path even if it means starting all over again? You don't want to miss all the good things this present moment has to offer, all the good people out there for you, as cliché as this may sound, but life is really short.
For those who have followed my story, I was in a totally different place and time before I started blogging. Lately, I am kind of missing my life in Cusco. My place at the top of the mountain city, the Andean mountain view, the food, the culture, and most of all, the friends I left behind there. After all, people make the place. I was in paradise.
I could have built my life somewhere else. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere I'm more welcome. Somewhere I have more friends. Somewhere I feel happier. Somewhere free.
When you leave a place, you start to appreciate it. The good, the bad and everything it taught you. All of it. Sure, I had my own challenges too. Don't get me wrong, those you thought don't like company are the ones who actually enjoy company the most. I get really intense when I'm around with people I can be myself with, also known as friends. Then I bail on good things. My perpetual discontent only led me from one place to another. I got selfish and started thinking about my own life. So, I came back to my country to pursue this dream of mine. Now it still feels like a foreign country to me.
Today I was chatting with a friend from my city, ranting about my island life as usual. Ranting for about 3 years now. Last time I checked, I brought these circumstances upon myself. So, it should be within my control to endure it or completely remove myself from it. Either this or that. That's life.
My friend actually wanted me to leave as he couldn't stand me being miserable at times. He knows what I've been going through and how I deal with nothing but jungle kind of hostility. In the end, what did all these struggles and hardships turn me into? Nothing but a warrior always ready to fight. Always ready to protect myself. What if a home is where I don't belong? What if a home is a person and not a place?
Yes, things could have been less painful and more bearable if I have more friends on this island. I tried you know. And I haven't given up on humanity yet. I just realized that I find it easier to make friends somewhere else. Somewhere I don't belong. Is it because somewhere else, people find me more interesting. And here, I feel like I am a threat.
Without the pandemic, perhaps I was on my way to success, or not. Or maybe things will just go on and on until I become a monster. And that is really what I don't want to become. If you've been repeatedly annoyed or upset by a person or situation yet you still have to be nice and civil, this is the surefire Karen recipe. This is the making of a monster.
You go against your primal instinct. You are repressed for so long that you'd get anxiety and all sorts of mental issues. Until you just explode like a time bomb.
I don't know if following your dream is also becoming a monster in the process. You endure situations. You endure people. You endure a place. This is me now, a piece of the puzzle that no longer fits. So, maybe it is time to go? It is time to save myself. Or maybe it is time to give something one more chance to blossom without turning into something that I am not. Either this or that. That's life. But seriously now, I just want to go home. But I still don't know where that is. I am still finding my place.
previously, previously, previously,