Penny in transition: My transition in a weekly journal; Episode 4
This has been a predictably rough two weeks for me, I apologize for not keeping up with my weekly post schedule this past week. I am hoping to pick back up on Monday and carry on as normal. Thank you to everyone who checked in on me and sent love it was very much appreciated.
I am not one to open up readily about the harder aspects of living in today's climate with fairly severe disphoria, its unpleasant to live through and frankly to me simply sounds like I'm wining. However I'm going to get into it a bit today, that and the difficulty in change. Transition is by no means a one step process, surgery, for those that can afford it (ie: not me) is the end of a very long and involved process. Some trans folk have what we in the community call "passing privilege" it simply means that society in general treats them like a cis person unless they out themseves or are outed by others. I do not have said privallage. This being the case I am very disciplined in my routine, I am sure to look my best when I step out, sure to smile and present confidence. I meet every person I run into with eye contact and a smile. Even the bigots, especially the bigots. I do this because I know I represent the first trans individual most of the people through my store will knowingly meet and I am trying to be a counter narrative to both the lies from the hate groups and the current administrations dehumiunization attempts. I do this volunentarily to a point however without the job I lose my insurance, and where as my coverage is not enough to make my bottom surgery viable it is lowering the cost of my meds and that's a big deal rightful now. Especially as the economic noose tightens a bit.
So I put on my mental armour every morning and Wade out into the world of stares and screams and masogony. Its normal, or has become my normal and I'm dealing with it, this week though, after having to stop my estrogen patches and go back to pills while I sorted out some problems then start back onto the patches, has been a doosy. For whatever reason it takes me about two months to get adjusted to the patch form of estrogen, during that time my defensive capability is zero, I have no armour and no filter, I see every smirk and stare hear every muttered insult and am just generally raw all day. It takes effort to rebuild my walls. I'm hanging on, rebuilding but its hard. Unnecessarily hard, I hate that people have to make this so difficult. I hate being yelled at and threatened, I hate being stared at. I'm trying to live, literally exactly like you. It makes no sense to make that more difficult for me as I am effecting you and yours in no way. Its grating and exhausting . I can't stand to look in a mirror and I can just barley scrape myself out of bed to make it to work and face it all again and again. To be the positive light for every ignorant ass in this town...fuck I just want to be, just exist.
There's no gold lining today just blah and more blah, sorry to be down, I hate to make this journal a bitch fest but I promised honesty here and this is where I am right now. I do hope each one of you is lovely and your days have been wonderful.
And this is why I love Steemit... we have the opportunity to be real and share our truth. It's so much more meaningful and real, and I appreciate your honesty. I'm getting sick of seeing people's "picture-perfect" lives on Instagram or other social media sites. Thank you for being yourself!
I was worried about you as I haven't seen anything from you in a while! I am so glad that you are safe, but I am sorry that you are feeling this way. You are one of the strongest people I have met (virtually obviously, but I steel feel like I have met you) and I feel very protective of you. I admire your strength in sharing these feelings and I hope that when people read this post, they will realise the effect certain reactions have on another human being. We are all developing every day as human beings and I think it is important to look at how our actions reflect on other people. sending you a virutal hug my friend xx
Thank you so much, it really means allot to me, and I feel the same way (having met that is) Its a challenge for me to publicly crack my veneer of calm, cool, and collected but I feel like your right, its important that the result of our actions are seen in some way and I don't believe, generally, that people understand how taxing the daily exposer to all of it really is for some of us. Thank you so so much for being every bit of you. Hope your day is magically filled with the cutest puppies ever🦄🦄🦄
hehe always! xD
Oh Penny this is shit , I really sorry that you have to go through this. Some people just have no idea how to actually think for themselves and take people for who they are . They just follow along in a world of fear and prejudice. But you are awake and so on to it and deserve respect and total acceptance. Sending you much love xx
resteemed
Thank you so, so much. It means the world to me to have such support. I hope your day is nothing short of fabulous🦄🦄🦄
I do not know much about trans stuff, My nephew does drag and he makes a good looking woman. I think that is totally different to going through surgery and stuff.
I'd just like to say If the past two weeks have been rough. Girl you look good when you look rough :)
Keep smiling :)
oh as an after comment, to the community of people. when I was growing up queer and lesbo were used a lot in a negative way. Maybe, with time, the use of boyfriend/girlfriend can be used more commonly. The same as with anyone. Should we avoid distinction through sexual preference or preferred gender?
I hope I have not said anything to offend anyone there.
You haven't said anything that offends me for sure😁 Drag is a different thing than Being trans but I'm glad your nephew has fun with it🦄 Thank you so much I do my best to stay Flossy, even at my worst😁 We are kinda reclaiming queer as a community, lesbo I think is still derogatory, I would be offended at being called that anyway lol. Hope your day is brilliant, thank you so much for the comment🦄💜
Strength* Power*Calming healing vibes your way pon cyber lines
Thank you! Much much love your way dear heart!🦄🦄
I'm so sorry I haven't been able to comment and give you support. I am like a fish and get distracted! I am imagining sending you good vibes although Im not really sure what that is. :P hang in there !! we love you!
I'm sending you love and strength, beautiful. Wish we lived in a world where you didn't need more strength than others, where there were more of us to stand up and speak out so you wouldn't have to do the extra labor. Thanks for speaking your truth and not hiding your pain or your beauty. It's inspirational.
Thank you so much!!
Bitch, whine, complain... Are you sure your not done with the transitioning part and woke up a woman. I'd say so. But what the hell do I know I'm often viewed as a racist sexist pig. People are stupid. If they only knew the truth of what a Sissy I am or the fact I was wearing panties and a bra when they made that accusation. I long ago adopted the attitude of ignoring stupid narrow mind people to the point of becoming clinically anti-social. Not the best choice. But really, who cares what others think of me. Live your life. It's your life to live not theirs. Do you, be you, to hell with stupid bigoted narrow minded idiots. Why even care what they say? I see it as a spiritual battle and when you allow others to rob you of the joy that dwells in you then they have won. Sure it's hard to "smile and be nice" especially if you still have those male impulses to want to turn around and knock the holy hell out of em for being so rude and disrespectful. Again, not a good choice. But don't stoop to their level by giving in to hate. And I say that because I noted you started 3 sentences with "I hate". Choose love, love your enemies and indeed pray for them even if they are bigotted asses that have no clue as to their insulting vile nature. I know it's not easy and I'm preaching to myself as well but it's just as stupid or worse to think those people are going to change. They're not because they're stupid and you can't fix stupid. Ignorance you can deal but stupid? ....I'll stop rambling. Hang in there Penny.
Congratulations! This post has been upvoted from the communal account, @minnowsupport, by Steampunk-penny from the Minnow Support Project. It's a witness project run by aggroed, ausbitbank, teamsteem, theprophet0, someguy123, neoxian, followbtcnews, and netuoso. The goal is to help Steemit grow by supporting Minnows. Please find us at the Peace, Abundance, and Liberty Network (PALnet) Discord Channel. It's a completely public and open space to all members of the Steemit community who voluntarily choose to be there.
If you would like to delegate to the Minnow Support Project you can do so by clicking on the following links: 50SP, 100SP, 250SP, 500SP, 1000SP, 5000SP.
Be sure to leave at least 50SP undelegated on your account.