Finding pieces of your self in your work... little bits of Sen

When I was out of college I found myself wandering in my work. I had a professional job as an IT person at the palmer house in chicago "The Internet Concierge". Probably one of my cooler sounding positions, but also the one that disillusioned me of the tech nerds are pretty well off fantasy. At the time I wasn't affected by things like college loans yet since I was still studying, and I wasn't aware of the impending doom that was quickly heading my way after graduation. Everything was going pretty well actually.

I was also working very hard to start a video game company as well. It was THE dream to bring video games to life from scratch. And I did everything I could do to make it a reality. Everyone who knew me, knew also what my focus was and very few knew what drove me forward. I studied art, writing, scripting, music, and more in the path of becoming a grade A Game designer.

People tend to say that if you do your best that you can be, or do anything you want. What they don't tell you is what it can cost you in the end. I don't say this to put a hamper on your dreams, I only share this to prepare you for when things don't go your way. Knowing that you are not impenetrable, having some amount of caution, will be a great benefit to the best of us. The thing I lost the most.... was time.

Eitherway that story is for another blog I still have trouble writing about that period of my life so please bear with me, my plan was to start a videogame company that rivaled Squaresoft which was to me a company to admire, as well as my future rival. I had bought together a team of greatly talented individuals who decided to volunteer their time and work together on what would be our first masterpiece. We had concept art, 3d assets, music, a working stage and mechanics, and a full screenplay. And in the end it meant nothing if we couldn't pay a salary, keep the talent, and finish the project. You have to consider that these people only had my game design and vision to work with so keeping them together for 5 years was a challenge. I consider that I had to be doing something right because I was able to bring in more and more people. Also a few of the people I've worked with work for major video game companies now.

I ended up taking side jobs freelancing art to help fund my work and my home to no avail... artists would move on, programmers as well. At some point my own freelancing cut into precious time needed to complete a full game.

At some point those few people that still came to meetings, continued to work with me and give their time made me feel the worst. Because in the end I know it was becoming a waste of THEIR time. You might wonder why if I was a good game designer did I not also end up working for a major game company... I only have one answer for you. I believed that in starting my own company I would find my place in life. I was most likely wrong and even so I had used so much time in trying to build my own company that I became obsolete at least in my eyes as time past. This could be considered ego, maybe. But I never felt like I was the best, I always felt like I had something to prove... Also I was a team leader. Running off to work for another company while your team sits idle seemed wrong to me. I felt like a captain that had to man his ship to the end.

This story sounds like a bad one because it ends with a company that never made it, a failed project, a waste of time... Right?!

But in that time, I have met some of the best friends I've ever had in my whole life. I've learned so much, and I've seen people reach their own dreams. Maybe I helped them make those decision, or maybe I was just a point in time for them. Either way I got to experience life a little differently than if I was to not try to realize my own dreams.

I had a project that filled my life with challenges, and gave me goals that in the beginning I had never had before. I thought in growing up poor that I would always be poor, but those people gave me a glimmer of light. Of course I remain quite poor, but when it comes to connections with people I feel like I've met some great people.

They gave me hope that we could make something great one day.

I haven't said anything to them, but in a way I feel like one day we might still do it. Maybe not in the way we intended but in a way that leaves a greater legacy behind. Sometimes its not exactly about conquering the giant, but in the journey you take in facing your giant.

I want to make great games because the games I played shaped my future in a way. Chrono Trigger taught me to fight... Mario taught me to never give up because she might be in that next castle... Tetris, to think ahead.... Final fantasy VII taught me that I could start from nothing and still be a hero to someone.

I want to make stories that influence the right people. teach lessons to those who ignore them. Give someone a chance that I may not have had when I was younger.

And I still want to do that, I think I'm getting back to that point where I think I can do it.

If not for any other reason but to respect the work and faith of those who gave me a bit of their time, and a little hope. Even if they don't believe so I still have the binders and the files. I still keep the all the work safe in the case one day we all are sitting at the table and decide her lets give it another go.

Time waits for no one. Right?!

If you were looking back on yourself.... what would you say.

If you were looking forward at yourself... what would you think of the person infront of you...