All Hail These 10 Principles of Nothing
If less is more, then nothing is everything. (I am supposed to say more but given the gravity and minimalism of the topic, I am compelled to shut my mouth.)
Promise Nothing
Scenario
Trevor promises Lindsay to marry her, and Lindsay anticipates when it's going to be. When Trevor finally proposes to her and hands her the ring, she says, "WTF is this?? It doesn't even have a diamond in it!"
As opposed to
Trevor surprises Lindsay by giving her a chocolate cupcake with the ring embedded in it. When Lindsay finally bites the part with the ring, she disgorges the ring from her mouth and shrieks, "Oh Trevor, YES YES YES!"
Benefit: Surprise
Offer Nothing
Scenario
Trevor has a new flashy car. After work in the construction site, he offers his grubby co-workers a lift in his car. Inside, he asks if they want to watch movies from his portable DVD player, listen to jazz, or have a cup of coffee from an instant coffee maker.
They play a movie and find it soporific; they listen to music but couldn't appreciate it; they make coffee but find it too bland. After the lift his co-workers groan, "What an arrogant bastard." "Who needs his fucking car." "Mighty shitload of useless gadgets, really." "I'd rather buy myself a horse."
As opposed to
Trevor has a new flashy car. He looks for a parking area as he drives around the construction site, unwittingly attracting the interest of his other co-workers. As he steps into the the site, swirling his car key on his finger and whistling a classical tune, one of them screech, "Hey Trevor! Why didn't you say you bought a new car!" Another says, "Give us a lift!" "Yeah, give us a lift!" they chorus. So after work they all cramp themselves into the car on the way home. Trevor never mentions any of his gadgets and takes his time to let his co-workers notice them.
Finally someone lights up, "Ooohh what does this button do?" He pushes the button and a little slot opens at the backseat, revealing a flat screen. Gasps of admiration emit from their mouths. One of them pushes another button and a coffee maker pops out from the carpeted floor. Gasps of envy. By the end of the lift, they are gratified by the experience they'd want to have the same car.
Benefit: Takes the pressure off of disappointing other people.
Expect Nothing
Scenario
Lindsay has been burning her ass off work sixteen hours a day, seven days a week, including holidays, as she prepares herself to bag the managerial position that'll be opened in a month. She knows she will get the position; she thinks everybody else is lamebrained and a klutz.
The day of her interview comes then after the interview, the current manager reviews her profile, scowls, and says, "I'm sorry but this job doesn't fit you." Lindsay contorts her face into sour confusion as the manager continues, "A manager should also know Time Management, which in this case, you don't have." Lindsay commits suicide.
As opposed to
Lindsay overhears that the managerial position will be opened in a month but she brushes it aside and continues her work. She thinks that if it's meant for her it'll come to her, not her to it. She considers herself diligent and intellectually superior than the rest of her officemates, but keeps her thought to herself.
More than anything else, she loves her work with a passion that she doesn't mind doing it without pay. The opening of the managerial position arrives, and it's given to Tamara. Lindsay doesn't even notice.
Benefit: You will stop disappointing yourself and realize how complete your life already is.
Need Nothing
Scenario
Trevor loves his wife Lindsay. Lindsay is intelligent, sweet, honest, trustworthy, loyal, and kickass in bed. But then Lindsay has a breast-size of a grape, a gummy smile with two front teeth the size of tombstones, and doesn't know how to cook. Trevor is so devastated he offers Lindsay a trip to the plastic surgeon, the dentist, and a culinary school to make up for everything Lindsay doesn't have. But Lindsay doesn't submit to these. She believes she's fine the way she already is.
Then Trevor meets Tamara, who is all who Lindsay isn't—has cup-E breasts, a bewitching perfect smile, and cooks like an Italian chef. Trevor divorces Lindsay and marries Tamara. Lindsay commits suicide. Trevor drowns himself in guilt and self-reproach for the rest of his life.
As opposed to
Trevor loves his wife Lindsay. He believes she is the perfect wife for him—intelligent, witty, sweet, honest, trustworthy, loyal, and gives him unparalleled orgasms. But then Lindsay looks like the human version of Bugs Bunny, has breasts composed of but nipples, and whose culinary skills is limited to popping food into the microwave. Trevor is so devastated that he offers Lindsay to take her to the breast surgeon and the orthodontist. Trevor even buys her stacks of cookbooks, but Lindsay wouldn't touch any of these. She says she doesn't need these things; she's perfectly fine the way she already is.
One day, Trevor meets Tamara who is all Lindsay isn't. Trevor rattles the calculator in his brain and concludes that Tamara has the 10% that Lindsay doesn't have. But what did Tamara have that Lindsay didn't? He has no idea. Trevor gives Tamara a handshake, goes straight home, discusses existentialism, humanism, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy, Bach, E8 physics, and the future of the human genome with his wife Lindsay, then they make love and have multiple orgasms until sunrise.
Benefit: Appreciation
Create Nothing
Scenario
Lindsay knows and believes herself to be a great writer. One day, an idea dawns to her: she wants to be the greatest writer of all time, greater than Homer, William Shakespeare, Mark Twain, James Joyce, Ernest Hemingway, and all the literary giants combined.
And to be the unprecedented greatest writer in all history, she has to write the grandest piece of literature any person can ever come up with. She isolates herself for ten years and emerges depressed and emaciated, with mountains of crumpled papers of half-baked ideas about her novel.
As opposed to
Lindsay knows and believes herself to be a great writer. One day, Lindsay has an idea: a story to be written into a novel. She goes straight to her laptop and punches away. After a week, the novel is finished.
Benefit: Openness
Hype Nothing
Scenario
Trevor and Lindsay have a son named Joe. Joe is sixteen years old and needs more money so he can go to college. He meets an old friend who introduces him to drug trafficking. Joe begins selling marijuana by aggrandizing it fresh from his basement (when it was in fact cultivated in Argentina), "Class A", has no seeds, can make one fly without falling, dive into the ocean without drowning, make time slow down, and with enough consumption, experience a moment in time called Eternity.
A disfigured customer comes back to him, takes him into a plane, and they fly 300,000 off the ground. Inside the plane, they puff weed and when they are high, Joe asks him why he took him there. Joe's customer opens the trap door and says, "You never said a word about hallucinations, crackass," and pushes him off without a parachute.
As opposed to
Joe sells marijuana so he can save himself some money to go to college. When someone asks what's it for, he'd simply say, "For a trippy experience." All underground drug moguls have relied on him since then.
Benefit: Trustability
Plan Nothing
Scenario
Trevor and Lindsay are a hardworking couple, and with the Christmas holidays looming just ahead, they plan to go the Bahamas to unwind. When the day finally arrives, Lindsay says to Joe, "I thought we're going to the Bahamas." Joe replies, "I thought so too." They end up fucking each other passionately on the couch the entire holiday season.
As opposed to
Trevor and Lindsay are a spontaneous couple, and with the Christmas holidays looming just ahead, they just let nature take its course. "What will be, will be," Trevor and Lindsay chorus, and begin singing Que Sera Sera. The holidays arrive. "What do we do now?" asks Trevor. "Let's visit the Philippines," replies Lindsay. "Where the hell is that?" says Trevor. "I have no idea." When they finally drop their anchor at El Nido in the Southern Philippines, they fall in love with the place and spend the holidays fucking on the shore. Passionately, mind, rolling on the shoreline.
Benefit: Surprise and Spontaneity
Learn Nothing
Scenario
A salesperson knocks on Sergio's house and Sergio answers the door. The salesperson is selling a bottle of Dihydrogen Monoxide, and explains that it will improve your energy, increase mental and physical performance, flush toxins and waste products from the body, keep the skin healthy and glowing, help you lose weight, reduce headaches and dizziness, and allow proper digestion, all for only five cents a bottle. Sergio gives the salesperson a quizzical look and asks him to come back while he thinks about it. The salesperson leaves and Sergio hauls a humongous encyclopedia on his desk, flips the heavy pages with both hands, and finally finds the description about "Dihydrogen Monoxide" also called hydroxyl acid.
He learns that it is the major component of acid rain, contributes to the "greenhouse effect", contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape, accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals, may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes, and it has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients. Sergio also learned that despite the danger, dihydrogen monoxide is used in pesticides thus contaminating the vegetables we eat, and is also used as an addictive agent in junk food and other food products.
The basis of dihydrogen monoxide is the highly reactive hydroxyl radical, a species shown to mutate DNA, denature proteins, disrupt cell membranes, and chemically alter critical neurotransmitters. Sergio pounds his closed fist into his open palm and shrieks, "I knew it! I knew it!" The salesperson returns and Sergio gives him a black-eye.
As opposed to
A salesperson knocks on Sergio's house and Sergio answers the door. The salesperson is selling a bottle of Dihydrogen Monoxide, and begins enumerating all its benefits, for only five cents per bottle. Sergio gives him five cents and swigs empty the contents into his mouth in front of the salesperson. "Funny," Sergio says, "Tastes like water." "Well," the salesperson begins, "it is water."
When Sergio's about to pound the salesperson to smithereens, the salesperson shouts "Wait!" Sergio gives him the red-eye look of a bull. "Now that you know the benefits of water, I assume you'll consume more of it. To put, it isn't really water we're selling but the awareness of incorporating the habit of drinking plenty of water in your daily regimen."
Benefit: Helps you learn only what you need to know.
Become No One
Scenario
April loves rockstars—The Beatles, Metallica, U2, Pink Floyd, Queens, Stone Temple Pilots, The Rolling Stones, AC/DC, Pearl Jam, Parliament Funkadelic, name other rock bands, she'll fantasize riding naked on top of him/them. When Javier learns about this, he tousles his hair, dresses himself in black leather, wears metal chains, carries a leather-bound guitar case on his back, emblazons himself with erasable tattoos of the Grim Reaper, pierces his tongue, ears, bellybutton, and, err, the excess skin on his wiener, the works. He sues April fervently, reads her emo poetry, surprises her with mushy letters and thorn-prickled poisonous roses, takes her to pricey restaurants, and brings her to the movies.
April finally falls for him, and they end up having feverish sex in Javier's apartment. When everything has quelled down, April confesses that she fell in love with him even before he muttered a word. "It's your guitar case, see," April continues. "I love guys who play the guitar." Javier gulps audibly. "Can you play a song for me?" April asks. To this Javier replies, "Baby, I don't want to play the guitar for you." April frowns dramatically. "You might just fall for me even more."
As opposed to
April loves rockstars. When Javier learns this, he befriends the grunge type of guys in his drug business, downloads rock music into his ipod, plugs the blaring earphones into ears, and sings the tune near April. April finally notices and shrieks, "OMFG! That band! I love that song! We're like, SOULMATES!" Javier gives her a snobbish look and says arrogantly, "They're actually my clients." Drug clients, anyway. April falls in love with Javier, then Javier confesses, "I really don't like rock, you know.
Rather, I'm a lover of classical music—Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Vivaldi, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Schubert, Dvorak—a classical junkie, to put." April slaps him on both sides of his face and knees him in the groin. "But," Javier crouches and grimaces in pain, "I love you... I did all that,"—he looks her straight in the pupils—"just to catch your attention." Javier receives a ninja kick in the face, pirouettes, somersaults, and sits with extreme violence. Two weeks later, two women, April's friends, accost Javier and say, "That was the sweetest thing." They end up having an orgy.
Benefit: Authenticity
Change Nothing
Scenario
Sergio is turning 50. His hair is thinning and his hairline is receding, giving him the impression of having the largest forehead in the world. He applies copper peptides on his scalp, "combs over" his hair an hour a day in front of the mirror, sprays black concoction on it, wears toupees, swallows Minoxidil and antiandrogens, and even attempts to have a hair implant.
For the next five years Sergio sinks into anxiety, depression, social phobia, and at one point, wants an identity change. One day, Sergio walks into a comedy bar and the comedian spots his bald head. He turns to the crowd and says, "Look, that guy spent all night doing his hair and then forgot to bring it with him."
As opposed to
Sergio is turning fi50. His hair is thinning and his hairline is receding, giving him the impression of having the largest forehead in the world.
He accepts his genetic makeup, buys a razor, shaves all his hair off, and mutters, "At least this cured my dandruff."