My diary, Monday, June 22, 2020 - second day
What to write? I feel bad.
And this is my "bad", it has been going on for years. Again and again, different situations, cities, people.
Sometimes I seem to be stronger, I do something, I rush forward somewhere.
And then - everything ...
So what?
What is there to write?
I lose all sense of doing anything.
It's like my whole life is a punishment.
I punish myself.
I'm sick of it.
And no, I'm not going to "do stupid things," or somehow harm myself. I'm just tired.
But I do not even allow myself to be total. I do not allow myself to truly express emotions. To truly live, to be.
I am doing something. and then I regret it.
I do not want to do something, but I do.
Today I talked with a guy who I do not like.
Why am I doing this? We hugged, he drove me in his car.
It kind of makes me feel dizzy.
Although every time I think WHAT I DO WITH HIM ?!
WHAT?!
But here he again offers this or that undertaking - and I agree.
And I don’t know why I am doing this.
I feel bad, I'm tired, I do not see a way out.
Yesterday, I just lay on the floor, and so lay with my nose buried in the corner of the sofa.
I was lying on this floor, and it seemed to me that the whole burden of my life was crushing me. It’s as if I’m even being drawn into this floor.
I lay there until my half-sister knocked on the door, I got up, AND JUST AS IF EVERYONE WELL opened her door, we talked nicely, she brought me crackers.
Oh my God