A Lesson on How to Make Real Conversation by a Former Religious Fanatic

This TED Talk video " I Grew Up in the Westboro Baptist Church. Here’s Why I Left" is presented by Megan Phelps-Roper, a former member of Westboro Baptist Church, a Baptist church in the United States which is known for its use of inflammatory hate speech against LGBT, Jews, Muslims, U.S. soldiers and politicians.

In short, Megan Phelps-Roper is an activist lobbying to overcome the hatred between religions and political divides. Being the daughter of the leader of the church, she was influenced by the view of her mother Shirley Phelps-Roper and they would involve in spreading anti-gay, anti-muslim among others and was also famous for their “God hates America” campaigns across the United States.

In 2012, after 23 years of being a prominent member of the notorious group, Megan Phelps-Roper began to question the true intention of her church decided to depart from the church and her family and started a new life. A life which is foreign to her, which she once despised and to interact with people she once cursed to hell.

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In this talk, Megan Phelps-Roper shared her experience from exerting hostility to truly understand each other, the speaker learned four tips to make a real conversation possible.

Do Not Assume Bad Intent

Speaker said people on the internet realize even when her words were aggressive and offensive, she had an unwavering belief that she was doing the right thing and other people are only there to sway her belief.

In fact, when we got into an argument, we tend to demonise the opponent and feel like they are naturally selfish, compassionless, mean and come with ill-spirit. It made us angry.

This anger brings some very interesting reactions. Some people will raise their voice or cuss to overpower the opponent while some people will victimise themselves to garner sympathy from others.

Allowing us to fall into this pit of anger makes it very hard for us to move forward to have a true meaningful conversation to understand why someone does and believes as they do.

We tend not to remember that they’re just a human being with a mind that was shaped by a lifetime of life experience that are fundamentally different than ours.

When we find ourselves involved in an argument, the very first thing we need to tell ourselves is neither you nor your opponent is inherently evil. We should only come with the intention of making a conversation to find a common ground to compromise.

Ask Questions

The next tip is to actively ask questions. This is especially important when we are engaging people who are standing on the other side of ideological divides especially religion and politic.

Asking questions allow us to bridge the disconnected link between two differing points of view. It allows us to understand the other side as well as giving them the opportunity to point out the flaws in our ideas.

How can we present an effective argument if we don’t understand where the other side is coming from in the first place?

Asking questions, in fact, serves another purpose.

It signals to someone that they are being heard and their opinion is being considered. When you are able to make a person to feel heard, they are less likely to put up their defence and be more vulnerable with you.

When someone show you their vulnerability, they are more likely to connect with you and hear you out.

Stay Calm

This, in my opinion, is by far the most important thing in making a conversation.

When someone stated a point different than ours, we would be frustrated, our brain gets defensive and we dial up our volume to make sure we get our voice across.

When two opposing parties are trying to compete to talk over each other, they tend lose their composure and get distracted from the main point.

When this happen, we need to consciously tell ourselves to stay calm because when we are calm, we are more composed, we will have better control of our thought and emotion at that moment of time.

We have to constantly remind ourselves what is the intention of having argument. The intention is always about seeking the truth, proposing solution communicating both sides of perspective and most importantly, how to come out of a situation where everyone are in a win-win situation.

Make the Case

Most of the time, it is easy for us to fall into a false assumption that the value of our position is or should be self-evident and apparent and if someone doesn’t get it, it is their problem.

If things are that one dimensional, shouldn’t we all behave the same way, believing in the same value and there won’t be religious difference, political deviation?

"We are all a product of our different upbringing, and our beliefs reflect our experiences”, the speaker said.

We cannot expect others to change their beliefs just because we want to. We have to make the case for it. Get the point across with facts and personal experiences and more than that, we need to understand sometimes we just cannot change someone’s mind.

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The Westboro Baptist Church's pickets was loud, but it did nothing to communicate with the community outside of its circle. They took every opportunities to create rage and wraths and that further distant themselves from the communities they are trying to influence.

It was after she departed from her church when she finally realises the the real definition of communication. The end of the spiral of rage and blame begins when one person refuse to indulge the destructive seductive impulses.

“We just have to decide that is going to start with us”, she said.

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How do we make meaningful conversation with other people? Share it in the comment section and upvotes the stories you enjoy reading. I would appreciate you for an upvote if you like me to share posts like this in future.

Posts like this are personal thought after I have watched TED talks online. I will share 2-5 points on the what lessons we can learn and what conventional beliefs we can challenge. All videos and images, unless stated, credit to TED.com and the presenter(s).