when the channel is open

the way i've been describing how i've felt for the past month is that the channel is wide open. like in every situation, everywhere personally, it feels like i am hyper aware of not just the facts but also the patterns governing the situation; the programming underlying my thoughts feelings and behaviors in a situation; the metaphors overlying it. What's at stake, what's at play, what my issues are and how they are shaping how I view and feel about whatever situation. I have reached some new level of awareness. it just feels like I am receiving so much more information than i am accustomed to.

well, I did say when this started to open up, that I felt like I had levelled up as a person. it was a (argentine social tango) workshop in Knoxville, led by two young teachers that I'm really excited about. essentially they helped attune me to the music itself, which led to an understanding of relationship to the divine. It is one of those "understandings without knowing" to which I cannot retrace my steps but I will try at some point. Perhaps this post is not that point.

needless to say... they say growth isn't supposed to be comfortable. But is this growth? this kind of personal event is lumped into the category of growth, but I would say it's more like refinement. Unlimited growth is not wise because we live on a finite planet. There is not room for infinite growth. What is happening instead is that I am being refined. Things are being unlearned or let go in order to make room for new things.

i guess what is terrifying about this point in my life is being in that void. Before the channel opened up this wide I was in my comfortable little bubble where I believed I was a good dancer, of respectable ability, that i was very musical, that i was confident, that i didn't have any fucks to give about what other people think, that i never experienced anxiety in a social tango context. All that was true prior to this. but now it's like my world has been blown open again. it has been a very humbling experience. In fact I am still in it, still in the part where i'm being humbled. it's terrifying. i thought i was an open person, i thought i could open up and give myself to a person but that is also terrifying, even in the context of the dance, which is also terrifying because this is the place where up until now i had the most certainty and confidence.

... this is what i signed up for.