Seeking Some Help. Do Traumatic Images & Memories Ever Go Away?
If you want to know about my character in the real world, and see how life hits hard, the entirety of this post (if you see the links) will tell you enough.
While life hasn't nearly been as easy as it was, I'm recovering. Slowly. I'm not sure if I'll ever be the same. In some ways, I'm stronger and have learned about what I'm made of. In other ways, I wish I could just forget it all, like it never happened.
The latter is impossible as the memories, words, and visions feel permanently burned into my mind. I really, really hate that. They feel like a burden, especially because they were thrown on me.
Overview:
There are two main recollections I have of my parents from recent years that torture me when they come to mind.
One is my Dad verbally ripping me apart as he disowned me with a smile. He never apologized or said that he loved me again. Despite this, I helped with home hospice for weeks and forgave him on his deathbed to carry his burden on my shoulders for the rest of my life.
My Mom nearly dying twice from being hit in the face with a tree in a tornado (while driving), and being her primary caretaker during a brutal 4 months in the ICU/hospital.
Questions:
From your experience with potentially traumatic events in your life, will the memories and images ever go away?
If not, will time help them be less painful?
I did nothing wrong. I took the high road. I did what I had to do. Time has passed, yet I'm still immobilized or sad when the thoughts arise. I accept them, but want to put them behind me.
Background:
At this time, I don't want to think about them too much now, so I'll provide 3 links from previous posts that will explain what happened. Please note that these are very heavy, but if haven't seen them before, I think you'd consider it worth your time. It's as raw, emotional, truthful and spiritual as I know how to be in words.
Disowned By My Dad With No Apology Before His Death
Painful Dream Visitations From My Dad
My Mom's Tragic Accident & Visual Proof Of Guardian Angels
If you have any advice from your experience, I'd appreciate it beyond words. I don't need to talk about this stuff anymore, I just want to know if there's hope that these traumatic images and memories will gradually fade away.
Time for me to take a breath, go to the gym to train for baseball, and then hit the curbs to look for household recycling to save and sell.
Thank you,
@steemmatt
Damn bro, sorry to hear about all your hard times.. i am a disabled combat veteran who saw a lot of action when the iraq war kicked off in 03'. From that I have bad ptsd and use to get vivid flashbacks regularly.. but over the last decade and a half they have slowly faded.. Now its very rare for me to experience flashbacks.. maybe a few times a year best.. Youll be alright friend, i promise.. It helps talking to someone, so you can work things out and let them go.. oh yeah, smoking weed helps a lot too
Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess posting is my way of talking to someone. It helps a lot, I get different points of view, and it's free!! Thanks for your service.
Therapy is something we used to think only crazy people need when it is probable that most people need it. Posts like these is something I wouldn't do publicly because information is power. I am not interested in convincing you not to post like this, I am just putting it out there why I don't share my pain this way.
What I do for my painful trauma is make more new memories. Let the new happy moments out shine the darkness of your past. Last year I did that. I plan to do more this year now.
Thanks for the advice. I agree with your strategy about making new memories. When it comes to family, I haven't had enough happen yet to replace family memories with good ones. I think that having my own family will be a strong factor in the replacement of the bad ones, but I'm not there yet in my life, so I'll try to let time heal for now and put less importance on the past to the best of my abilities.
As for posting on this topic publicly, I really find that it helps me at this stage and during the harder times. While I sacrifice info/power, I get a lot of it back in return to cancel out the downside.
I'm pushing 60 now @steemmatt and my experience has been that neither the films inside my head nor the memories ever go away.
In time, however, I have learned to reframe them — with assistance from a really good therapist — in such a way that they feel less troubling and distressing. And maybe that's about the best we can hope for... I don't know, for sure. Part of my therapy included EMDR, which doesn't remove anything, but it helped me wrap a different framework around the trauma...
Very interesting info on EMDR. I hadn't heard of that before. I have a gut feel that peace will come when the memories are replaced with better ones and time fades for me not to care as much. I try to equate it to a bad breakup with an ex. Sometimes something like that can take a few years to dissipate before it becomes completely irrelevant or inert. As most of this is from a family member, it definitely has a lot more gravity, but I'm trying to approach it the same way.
Sounds like your life has been one bout of traumatic stress after another. I hope I don't offend you, but have you talked to a therapist about possibly having PTSD? Given your story, I'd recommend it. I worked with vets at a VA hospital and many soldiers I know with PTSD are embracing marijuana to successfully ease some of their pains. Another promising way soldiers have been able to "ghost" some of the gruesome and painful images in their minds is to replace them with different images--believe it or not, repetitive old-school video games like Tetris and Pong help in this regard. (Better for the mind to see building blocks than flying debris, I suppose.) Good luck.
Thanks for your advice. I probably have some from a few harmful situations. I think time will heal it more as I distance myself and replace those memories with new positive ones. I have my head on straight, it's just frustrating to feel that I have suffer emotionally for the mistakes or stupidity of others. I don't have much anger anymore, it's more of a sadness at times when I think of myself being hurt and deceived. It wasn't fair.
Your absolutely right! Im a disabled vet who smokes marijuanna to deal with my ptsd!
I heard a good analogy the other day that sometimes trauma or grief is like a ball bouncing around your inner walls, and every time it hits you feel pain. Over time the room is still there, and the pain still sounds, but the ball hits less.
Sorry you gotta live this suffering. Perhaps see it as not something you hate or feel sad about, but just a feeling like any other in this rich tapestry of life. When it moves through you, welcome it as an old friend. Happiness is not the be all and end all, just another thread.
I do hope it fades with time. Have you ever received any kind of therapy?
I've thought of this bouncing ball analogy a few times since you mentioned it. Is it a bad sign that the ball is red right now?? I think that's a good way to have some hope for the long-term. Hopefully the ball will eventually lose its bounce as well and just roll into a corner.
I went to a therapist a handful of times. It did help a bit, but I don't think I feel I'll get more benefit from it at this point. It was helpful during the initial events and shock to make sense of things, but keeping it up doesn't feel necessary right now. However, I have that resource available as needed.
Incredible stories! The one thing about this blockchain is, the more you post, the more you bury the truly important stuff. Thanks for sharing them again, and I hope doing so made the load a little lighter. You are a stand-up guy, and I'm glad you're here! I wish I had some useful advice to give you.
Thanks for the time and interest to read back on those sagas. I sort of left this post hanging for a few weeks to not revisit the thoughts, but am circling back now to express my gratitude.