Should I die today or tommorow?

I am making this post because a few weeks ago my suicidal urges reached one of there highest heights. One of the things I hope to achieve by just putting my story out there is helping me heal from the trauma, but maybe helping someone else who is feeling similar. I can't give any guarantees, but I do know that I have managed to survive with these urges for many years. They have been getting more intense over time as I go through my cycles. That night was both the closest I had ever come to suicide and the worst I had felt in a long, long time.

 In all honesty I can't say I remember it well. I have always rapidly forgot those instances happening as a way of coping to avoid the pain what had happened.  It started out as a pretty simple day with me just doing my own thing in my room(I don't live with family or anything) it started out as a feeling in my stomach. As the day continued I gradually ended up feeling worse. I tried to listen to music, watch videos and do whatever I could do to distract myself. Later in the day the thoughts started increasing to the point where the only thought was my failures. There was nothing running through my mind accept the feelings of fear and worthlessness. This is something that has happened to me repeatedly throughout every fall to roughly spring, but tonight was particularly intense.

As the evening continued the heavy weight I felt was intensifying throughout all of this. I thought about killing myself roughly  between 6 and 7 pm. At this point the weight had become unbearable and I was ready to to make it stop whether it would be through pain or death. I thought about the different methods I could do it and my initial thought was to either shoot myself or slice a artery.  I ended up doing neither, but instead I simply chose to cut myself because it made me feel alive. The pain managed to make me feel more alive than i have ever been and it was the most enjoyable moment of that night. For that time at least, I was able to stop feeling so empty and I was able to actually feel some kind of pleasure after being so empty and being depressed. I  cut myself and ran a blade on my body for about a hour and in that time it felt good to give me pain and it was only afterwards the impact of having a gun under my chin and almost pulling the trigger did I realize how close I was to dying.  This might not be a lot info, but I hope this helps those reading that suicidal intentions can happen to any of us and can be survived through.