Suburban Addict - The First

First Time

The first try might be one of the sweetest, most love-filled blanketing moments you can experience. At the time nothing comes close to it, nothing ever will. Like one of your first happy moments as a child, every emotion fades away and is replaced with an overwhelming sense of love and warmth. Anything you experience at the particular time, is by far more incredible than it’s ever been. Suddenly you find yourself in a state of complete optimism for life and any challenge it has to offer. In fact, the challenges are fun to think about. The moment itself is something you never want to end, meanwhile already contemplating the next use. From this point on, no experience can compete in giving the same sensation. While you have no real grasp for the potential problems that lie ahead, in that moment you honestly don’t care.

Fortunately for some, this first experience turns out to be the last. Typically driven by the aftermath of getting ill, or just scared about how good it really was. Sadly though, for many it is not the last. You may go through a first-time sickness, but in the end it stands powerless to the inevitable desire for repeated use. Worst of all, you have no idea of the purpose it’s serving, either at that time or for the foreseeable future. You’ve fallen through a trap door leading to others, with harder falls and steeper climbs to the surface. No one is there to warn you of what’s yet to come.

First Week

It takes time to build up to daily use, but eventually you reach a point of consecutive days and think “wow, I should probably stop and take a break”. Well, let’s say you do take that break. Unfortunately you’ve now set a new record, acting as your own personal boundary or governance (for the time being). In time that will become the new baseline, which you’ll meet a few times and take your planned break again without issue. Soon enough you will break the pattern by adding a few more days of consecutive use. Congratulations, you have now used for a week straight. How alarming, yet everything still seems alright.

Amidst this new self-proclaimed boundary, you’ve now begun to see it’s impact on the stress and anxiety weekdays impose upon you. What a relief to now wake every day knowing that no matter how hard or steep the climb, at the end lies a reward to wash it all away. What you’re not aware of is that with each cycle, the stress and anxiety grows greater. Not because the stress or anxiety holds any more power than before, but because you’ve grown weaker. Oh how easy it would be at this point, if only you were in-tune to the life altering decisions being made. The decision to sacrifice yourself for a moment of relief from (all) things that burden you. Soon to be surpassed by the (one) thing that trumps them all, addiction.

First Month

Four weeks in, the conscious existence of “you” prior to use is still there. Enough to keep you anchored with no true concern of losing your grip on reality. Little things you begin to notice though, like how much your checking account balance has gone down, or how going out isn’t quite as fun on it’s own anymore. At this point you’re looking up from every possible angle, considering what (this) experience would be like on opiates. It’s simply better, and you believe it.

Once a week you contemplate the possibility of putting a stop to this freight train. At this point though you understand the gravity of the situation, yet still underestimate the power of addiction. It’s not that you can’t stop cold turkey (anyone can do this), but rather your ability to truly separate yourself from the pattern that’s manifested. This separation is dependent on ensuring you spend enough time away from the drug. Remember at this point it’s only one month of use against an entire lifetime of normalcy. Allow your(self) to take over, and regain the strength that exists within. Drug use only makes you weaker to what you were already susceptible. So you not only want to lay out a time period as your goal, but include a plan of how you will spend it. Identify your weaknesses, attack them head-on no matter the cost or embarrassment. It’s potentially your life on the line, and the last chance to turn back.

First Year

365 days, reality sets in. Full recognition there’s a problem, but the drug is serving you so well it out-weighs any desire to address the issue. You continue on. You block out your conscious and keep your foot on the gas pedal. In your mind, you’re young and it’s cool to be fucking around at this age. Better yet, you’ve got many years to figure things out. The recognition that “it’s too late” has not set in. When you start, you most definitely don’t envision yourself in the same mess 5-10 years later. In your mind you’ve got enough time to bring the issue full circle, yet you aren’t calculating all the lost time you’ll want back to rebuild. While not acknowledged personally, your boat has now left the dock and heads toward the horizon of uncertainty. The outlook is downright terrifying. No utter, no ore, no sense of direction. Carried by the tide of an uncontrollable force, your ability to gain control is far beyond reach. You can only hope and trust something greater is at work.