Spiteful Alien
A Screenplay
by The Invisible Man

INT. PLAZA - AFTERNOON

Charming detective MR TOSS MISALAD is arguing with funny housekeeper MS YANDEEDA HORGASM. TOSS tries to hug YANDEEDA but she shakes him off.

TOSS
Please Yandeeda, don't leave me.
YANDEEDA
I'm sorry Toss, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears head on, instead of running away.
TOSS
I am such a person!
YANDEEDA frowns.

YANDEEDA
I'm sorry, Toss. I just don't feel excited by this relationship anymore.
YANDEEDA leaves.

TOSS sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, friendly navigator MS TARA HOLENME barges in looking flustered.

TOSS
Goodness, Tara! Is everything okay?
TARA
I'm afraid not.
TOSS
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
TARA
It's ... an alien ... I saw an evil alien kiss in the ass a bunch of elderly students!
TOSS
Defenseless elderly students?
TARA
Yes, defenseless elderly students!
TOSS
Bloomin' heck, Tara! We've got to do something.
TARA
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
TOSS
You can start by telling me where this happened.
TARA
I was...
TARA fans herself and begins to wheeze.

TOSS
Focus Tara, focus! Where did it happen?
TARA
pantry room! That's right - pantry room!
TOSS springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

TOSS rushes along the street, followed by TARA. They take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences along the way.

EXT. PANTRY ROOM - SHORTLY AFTER

ZIG STEENINE a spiteful alien terrorises two elderly students.

TOSS, closely followed by TARA, rushes towards ZIG, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

TARA
What is is? What's the matter?
TOSS
That's not just any old alien, that's Zig Steenine!
TARA
Who's Zig Steenine?
TOSS
Who's Zig Steenine? Who's Zig Steenine? Only the most spiteful alien in the universe!
TARA
Blinkin' knickers, Toss! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
TOSS
You can say that again.
TARA
Blinkin' knickers, Toss! We're going to need some help if we're going to stop the most spiteful alien in the universe!
TOSS
I'm going to need guns, lots of guns.
Zig turns and sees Toss and Tara. He grins an evil grin.

ZIG
Toss Misalad, we meet again.
TARA
You've met?
TOSS
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young TOSS is sitting in a park listening to some jazz music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over him.

He looks up and sees ZIG. He takes off his headphones.

ZIG
Would you like some gummy bears?
TOSS's eyes light up, but then he studies ZIG more closely, and looks uneasy.

TOSS
I don't know, you look kind of spiteful.
ZIG
Me? No. I'm not spiteful. I'm the least spiteful alien in the world.
TOSS
Wait, you're a alien?
TOSS runs away, screaming.

EXT. PANTRY ROOM - PRESENT DAY

ZIG
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
TARA
(To TOSS) You ran away?
TOSS
(To TARA) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?
TOSS turns to ZIG.

TOSS
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this time!
TOSS runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

TOSS
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with guns.
ZIG
I'm not scared of you.
TOSS
You should be.

INT. CEMETERY - LATER THAT DAY

TOSS and TARA walk around searching for something.

TOSS
I feel sure I left my guns somewhere around here.
TARA
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly guns.
TOSS
You know nothing Tara Holenme.
TARA
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.
Suddenly, ZIG appears, holding a pair of guns.

ZIG
Looking for something?
TARA
Crikey, Toss, he's got your guns.
TOSS
Tell me something I don't already know!
TARA
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
TOSS
I know that already!
TARA
I still wear diaper.
ZIG
(appalled) Dude!
While ZIG is looking at TARA with disgust, TOSS lunges forward and grabs his deadly guns. He wields them, triumphantly.

TOSS
Prepare to die, you spiteful potato!
ZIG
No please! All I did was kiss in the ass a bunch of elderly students!
YANDEEDA enters, unseen by any of the others.

TOSS
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those elderly students were defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me! Toss Misalad defender of innocent elderly students.
ZIG
Don't hurt me! Please!
TOSS
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these guns on you right away!
ZIG
Because Toss, I am your father.
TOSS looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects himself.

TOSS
No you're not!
ZIG
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ZIG tries to grab the guns but TOSS dodges out of the way.

TOSS
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ZIG slumps to the ground.

TARA
Did he just faint?
TOSS
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly guns.
TOSS crouches over ZIG's body.

TARA
Be careful, Toss. It could be a trick.
TOSS
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Zig Steenine is dead!
TOSS
What?
TOSS
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.
TARA claps her hands.

TARA
So your guns did save the day, after all.
YANDEEDA steps forward.

YANDEEDA
Is it true? Did you kill the spiteful alien?
TOSS
Yandeeda how long have you been...?
YANDEEDA puts her arm around TOSS.

YANDEEDA
Long enough.
TOSS
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Zig Steenine.
YANDEEDA
Then the elderly students are safe?
TOSS
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly students enter, looking relived.

YANDEEDA
You are their hero.
The elderly students bow to TOSS.

TOSS
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The knowledge that Zig Steenine will never kiss in the ass elderly students ever again, is enough for me.
YANDEEDA
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly students passes TOSS a mystical ring

YANDEEDA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
TOSS
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

TOSS
Well, if you insist.
TOSS takes the ring.

TOSS
Thank you.
The elderly students bow their heads once more, and leave.

TOSS turns to YANDEEDA.

TOSS
Does this mean you want me back?
YANDEEDA
Oh, Toss, of course I want you back!
TOSS smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

TOSS
Well you can't have me.
YANDEEDA
WHAT?
TOSS
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a alien to death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like that.
YANDEEDA
But...
TOSS
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Tara.
TARA grins.

YANDEEDA
But...
TARA
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you. Skidaddle! Shoo!
YANDEEDA
Toss?
TOSS
I'm sorry Yandeeda, but I think you should skidaddle.
YANDEEDA leaves.

TARA turns to TOSS.

TARA
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best friend?
TOSS
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

Suddenly TARA stops.

TARA
When I said I still wear diaper, you know I was just trying to distract the alien don't you?
THE END

Thanks for reading,
The Invisible Man
@theinvisibleman