MY STORY: I am in control - part 2
I once heard: "At the end of the day, only brave embrace the pain."
For years I thought I was weak, scared and alone. If you are reading this I pressume you've been trough part 1 and know I have a disease that has changed my life completely - arthritis.
I tried a lot of various treatments and everytime I got better and my hopes got up, my disease would suddenly progress leaving me once again crushed by pain. As the years went by I started falling into depression, deeper and deeper with every dissapointing new therapy results. Doctors where baffled by my blood results and MR scans as they seemed clear and healthy, and yet I was in pain, adapting to every medicine they tried on me way too fast to not be able to feel pain.
In one point I got to a very very dark place, I was drinking medical drugs that has never been tested on minors and I was only 16 years old. Those drugs had really heavy sideeffects, including uncontrolable laugh bursting (which could last up to 2 hours and lead to jaw stiffening), audio-visual hallucinations, body temperature variations and etc. In the same time I was balancing two high schools (regular and music), progressing disease, unbearable pain and slowly losing every dream I ever had. I was handling a lot of pressure and changes in my life and I felt like I was on edge all the time and that it needed just one little push for me to fall apart. How much more can I take before i break?-I asked myself every single day. In my junior year of high school I was a heavy drinker, I'm not afraid to even say an alcoholic. I drank every day, from morning till late evening. I'm not proud of it, but I'm not ashamed of it. It's part of who I am today, it's what I did to at least numb the pain (or my brain). I found myself in a situation where I didn't have any control over my actions and words and over my body. The rabbit hole just got deeper.
When the summer ended and I got back from high school graduation trip (in Italy), I decided to change sth. I tried to stop drinking, but the moment I picked up juice and went upstairs to my bedroom, I fell on the last stair and got bruises all over my right side of body, including head. I figured it was a sign not stop drinking yet, so I went back to kitchen, made myself nice cocktail with ice and drank it slowly while occasionally puting a glass on my bruises to ease them. And then it happened, my brother called me to tell me that he was coming home with a few girl friends and one male friend and apparentely (which I found out later) he promised his male friend he would meet him with his younger sister. My brother came home with his friends, I was waiting in the room. And one by one they came in - my brother, girl with blue hair, girl with black and blue hair, girl with black hair and oh my gods and all that is heavenly...I am without words, but not lost - I am found and complete.
This is the first time I ever felt whole in my life, first time I am not alone.
From then I started thinking differently, my pain may never go away and my body may not be mine, but I still have my beautiful mind and I am in control.
P.S. Yes, that's me on the photo when I was 17 :) Can't wait for part 3 to tell you about the most beautiful moment in my life, hope your excited too. Upvote me and follow to see how I got complete and took contorl back over my life and finally made some good decisions ;) Enjoy your day and every step of the way! <3
Lucy Fer