That’s when all hell broke loose

While riding a neutrino the Grand Oligarch of Downtime God flipped a bird at the Surfer of Chaotic Churn Satan, going in the opposite direction. Both God and Satan were very young, and such gestures ought be credited to youthful play.

The universe was also very young, being .000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 001 seconds old by now. As far as size was concerned, it was .000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 000 001 times smaller than a proton. Nonetheless the universe was a very big place. Big, yes, very big, and expanding. Expanding faster than the speed of light, as it always had and always will. Everything was so dense and time so compact, no one really noticed. It was also very old, having gone through countless civilizations in its very young age.

Still, getting a bird flipped at him hurt The Itchy Punk of Quantum Foam Satan’s feelings. So Satan hopped into a hole in the uncertainty (the universe was still chocked full of them) and popped out in front of God as he cruised by lounging on his neutrino, and mooned him. To add shock to insult and injury, Satan stuck his head out of his own ass and sent a raspberry the Auspicious Poobah’s God’s way.

The Regal Enjoyer of the SereneGod barely had time to turn his head, as he sat on his neutrino. Oh, the affront. Oh, the gall. Oh, the quantum fluctuations. Yes, quantum fluctuation. When rapscallion Satan blew that raspberry, he sprayed a mouthful of not spittle, but quantum fluctuation. God wiped them off his arm with a brane. Oh, the cheek!

“You! You!” The Eternally Trepidatious Redactor God cried out, hunting for words, shaking his fist, receding in the distance.

“Ha! Ha! Nyah! Nyah!” The Gravaton Janitor Satan laughed back. It was all in good fun. Until it escalated. And then it wasn’t.

Tit for tat for tit for tat for more tit.

The Haughty Comeupance God threw a muon pie into Irate Righteousness’s Satan’s face. Satan tied the vibrating strings of God’s shoes together and watched God trip. God shot a stream of quantum froth at Satan — that stuff was good and heady back in the day. It washed that Pipsqueak of a Inferion Satan away. But, not for long. Satan was back churning that froth and anger and threw a fistful of tachyons it at God.

This time The Mighty and Wiser God ducked. The churn tumbled past and went on and on and on, into that expanding universe. A fistful of tachyons, thrown in anger by The Dark Energy Burning in Rage had all the speed and energy to catch up with that expanding horizon;.

The tachyons and the unfathomable energy that Satan’s fist had wielded stretched that stretchy end of one of the dimensions and sent it expanding faster than all other. This dimension, t, would soon be renamed time.

I’d like to say all hell broke loose when when time happened, but it was a non event. No one, not The Top Banana God, nor The Second Fiddle Satan, noticed at first. Shortly after, there was just an annoying drift along that unusual time dimension. No worries, there were a dozen more dimensions which behaved properly. And, besides, with a bit of paddling, they could swim back down-time.

Until one day, they couldn’t. God was chasing Satan around photon nexus when their antics stopped. They’d realized they were being pulled up along that pesky drift.

“Don’t look at me,” the Grand Mayor of the Boson Hub God said. “You’re the one who threw those tachyons.”

“That dimension was stretching too fast anyway, it was bound to happen sooner or later.”

“Sez you.”

“Not my fault.”

“Tiz!”

“Tizn’t”

Then God looked around and said, “Hey, we’re getting flattened.”

“No, it’s not that,” the Dank Kid of Wormholes Satan said. He was beginning to get quite worried. “These three dimensions are expanding more than the others. And we’re expanding with them. What do we do now?”

God thought for a moment as he watched all that energy of the quantum foam congealing into matter. Then he saw all that matter interact and saw the first photon. Maybe it all is supposed to be this way. “Let there be light.” the First Cosmic Realtor God said. And there was light.

“So, we’re stuck in this expanding catastrophe? Never to go back to where we were?”

“Look at the bright side,” God said, even before the first atom formed. I can put this matter and energy together in all sorts of creative ways. He made an image of a creature a lot like themselves. “I’ll call this one Michael,” he said as he pumped energy into what could be described as the first automaton. “And this one, I’ll call Gabriel. And this one, Raphael. And this one, here, Azrael.”

God and Satan made a further army of what they’d end up calling angels. They put aside their tiff for a few billion years as they watched those angels frolic and matter form into atoms, then dust clouds, then stars, and the stars into galaxies.

The angels continued to frolic. Some of the stars had planets. Some of the planets had water. And of those some of them had self-replicating molecules.

“Look,” the Piquant Surveyor of all Things Tasty Satan pointed.

The two looked on amazed at a watery blue marble hovering around an ordinary star.

“Indeed,” God replied. “Look at them all down there. Those chemicals have organized themselves, and they are thinking.” Even the angels didn’t have independent thought. That chaotic accidental mess of molecules on that blue world did.

These inadvertent sentients were laughing, crying, making love, having families, celebrating birthdays, mourning at funerals. Eating, drinking, sleeping.

“How can we play with them?” The Devil Satan asked even as the angels lined into two groups, one behind God, the other behind Satan.

That’s when all hell broke loose.

Look for more Erotica, Science Fiction, and Fantasy at @joe.nobel
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