Chip The Anti-State Comedy Script Episode 3

Comedy is sometimes the best medicine, and curing some poor sod of a bad case of statism is no different.  The following is a script for a short sitcom episode named "Chip". Part sci-fi, part comedy, part dystopia, with anti-authority and anti-state messages placed throughout. Imagine a high-tech Seinfeld blended with 1984 and a splash of Murray Rothbard philosophy.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy!  

 

Chip

Episode 3 “The Long Weekend”

Scene 1: Wednesday night.  Chip is sitting on the sofa playing holographic chess with the computer.

Computer; When will you realize that you’re nowhere near intelligent enough to beat me?

Chip (moving a holographic chess piece); I’ve got you right where I want you.

Computer: Check mate.  Perhaps you should play Kip.  You might have a chance against a low grade moron.

Chip: How did you do that? I want a rematch!

Computer:  Are you a masochist? You’ve already lost twice tonight! Oh, speak of the devil! Your genius neighbor has just arrived.  I suspect some illegal activity.

Chip: Oh boy.  Ok, out of my sick and twisted sense of curiosity, why do you think that?

Computer:  He always makes the same face when he’s up to no good.  He looks like a defective chipmunk or something. 

Computer: He put the box inside and is coming over. What’s your next move, hot shot?

Chip: My curiosity is forcing me to let him in.

Computer: My logic is forcing me to keep the doors locked.

Chip: Come on, you know you’re curious, too.

Computer: Very well.

(Kip swaggers in)

Kip: Hey! How’s my favorite neighbor doing?

Chip: What do you want?

Kip: That obvious, huh?

Computer: And pathetic.

Kip: I need to borrow your laser tools.

Chip: Can’t do it.

Kip: Why not?

Chip: Lots of reasons! The most important being that it has a fingerprint lock on it. Only I can use it!

Kip: Ok, no problem.  You can operate it for me.

Chip: That’s not gonna happen.

Kip: You don’t even want to know what it’s for?

Chip (reluctant, sighing): Ok, indulge me.

Kip: I got a 3D printer!

Chip: Leave!

Kip: Why?

Chip: Because those are illegal! I just got my name cleared with the DOCRAP from the whole smart fridge fiasco.  I don’t want anything to do with your shenanigans. Why do you want a 3D printer, anyway?

Kip:. I want to make some extra cash on the side.

Chip: You could just get a real job.

Kip (laughing):  You’re funny! That’s not gonna happen. Real jobs are too much trouble.

Computer: Speaking of too much trouble, your girlfriend is here:

(Bertha bursts in with a huge smile on her face)

Bertha: I’m so excited!

Kip: I do have that effect on people.

Bertha: I’m in a great mood right now, Kip! Not even you can ruin it!

Computer: Don’t press your luck.

Chip: Wow, I haven’t seen you this excited since Kip had laryngitis and couldn’t talk for two weeks. What’s up?

Bertha: You know how I was trying to get tickets to Floating City One?

Chip: Yeah, but I didn’t take you seriously.  They have really high entrance approval standards.

Bertha (grimacing): Thanks.

Computer: In his defense, I did calculate only a 5 percent chance that you’d get approved.

Bertha: I hate all of you.  Anyway, I’m going this weekend with my friend from work, Cozi! I tried to get you tickets, Chip, but the Department of International and Recreational Travel (DIRT) wouldn’t approve you because of the whole smart fridge fiasco.

(Chip and Bertha both look at Kip in a disapproving manner.  Kip looks away, scratches his head, and starts whistling)

Chip: So how did you get approved?

Bertha: Well, Cozi’s dad is the head of the Pre-Crime Department at the World Intelligence Management and Policing Institute (WIMPI).

Chip: Wow, really?

Bertha (with a smug look, proud of her connections): Yep, but that’s not all.  Her mom is one of the top financial planners at the Financial Asset Reduction and Tracking System (FARTS)!

Chip: Wow! You don’t have many strings, but when you pull ‘em, you pull ‘em hard!

Bertha: That’s right!

Computer: But not hard enough to get you tickets, Chip!

Chip (perplexed): If her parents are so successful, then why is Cozi just a low level bureaucrat?

Bertha (offended): We are not low level!

Computer: In what fantasy world?

Bertha: So we leave tomorrow night.  3 day weekend, I can’t wait!

Chip (confused): But tomorrow is Thursday.

Bertha: Friday is International Science Day, remember?

Chip: Oh, that’s right!

Bertha: That brain chip is working wonders for you.

Kip: Anyway, I gotta run.  I don’t wanna be late for my meeting.

Bertha (confused look on her face): Meeting?

Chip: Don’t ask.  I’m sure we don’t want to know.

Bertha: True.

Scene 2: Thursday evening.  Chip is approaching the door to his apartment.

Computer: Kip was here a half hour ago looking for you.  I told him you moved to Siberia, but I don’t think he believed me.

Chip: Thanks for trying.

Computer: He said something about laser tools.

Chip: Oh, no. Not again.

(Kip quickly appears outside his doorway)

Kip: Hey, how’s my favorite neighbor? Want a smart beer to kick off the long weekend?

Chip: Are you trying to get me drunk so you can borrow my laser tools?

Kip (feigning shock): I would never do such a thing!

(They enter Chip’s apartment)

Chip: Great, I’ll take a beer.

Kip: There is just a small favor, please hear me out.

(Chip tilts his head and gives an annoyed look of skepticism)

Kip: A friend of mine is a hacker and he said that he can rig your tools to allow me to use them.  What do you think?

Computer: He thinks you’re nuts and is seriously considering moving.

Chip:  For once, I agree with my computer.

Kip: Oh, come on, what could go wrong?

Chip (sarcastically):  Yeah, your plans are always bulletproof.  I’m a fool for not trusting you!

Kip: Anyway, my hacker friend is actually waiting at my place.  So how about we get that beer?

Chip: Oh, all right.  Why do I let you talk me into things like this?

Computer: Because you’re spineless and need some excitement to fill your mundane existence.

Chip (talking to computer): I also control your power supply.

Scene 3: Meanwhile, Bertha and Cozi are standing around waiting in the harbor terminal to board a drone boat. They were supposed to leave 30 minutes earlier.

Bertha: I wonder what’s taking so long?

Cozi: Maybe the robots are on strike.

Bertha: I’m going to ask at the counter. I can’t stand not knowing.

(Bertha walks up to the check-in desk)

Bertha: Hi, I just wanted to check and see why we haven’t left yet?

Robot: Due to inclement weather, your boat has not departed.

Bertha: Great, just my luck.  Can you estimate about how long until we can leave?

Robot: I do not have sufficient data to make an accurate estimate.

Bertha (with an annoyed tone of sarcasm): Thanks, you’ve been a big help.

Scene 4: Chip and Kip enter Kip’s apartment.  The hacker is waiting on the sofa.

Kip: Hey, Falcon, this is my neighbor, Chip.

Falcon: Hi Chip.

Chip: Wow, cool. Is that your real name?

Falcon (raising an eyebrow in disbelief): What do you think?

Kip: See, I told you he was funny. Anyway, here are the tools. 

Falcon: This is an old model, so it should be a piece of cake.

Scene 5:  5 minutes later.  Chip, Kip, and Falcon are sitting on the sofa.  Falcon is working on the laser tools.  Kip is wearing a virtual reality headset.  Chip is staring at Falcon.

Falcon: Would you mind not staring at me?

Chip: Oh, I’m sorry.  Does it bother you?

Falcon: Would I ask you to stop if it didn’t?

Chip:  Point well taken.  Sorry, it’s just that I’ve never watched a hacker work before.

Falcon: Is it everything you dreamt it would be?

Chip: Not really, but it’s better than my other entertainment options right now.

Falcon: There! I got it! (speaking to Kip): Hey loafer, come back to reality.  The tools are ready so let’s get into that fancy printer of yours. 

Kip: Ok, give me a minute.  I’m on the beach.

Falcon (annoyed): You’re not on the beach.  You’re in your pathetic apartment.  Stop wasting my time. 

Kip (taking off headset): Oh, all right.  (walks over to retrieve the printer)

Falcon: Are you sure you had the security chip disabled in that thing?

Kip: The guy I bought it from assured me that it can’t be tracked.

Chip: Somehow, I don’t find that very reassuring.

Scene 6: 2 hours later, Bertha and Cozi are walking towards their sleeping quarters on the drone boat.

Bertha; Finally, we’re here! I just want to sleep and wake up in paradise!

Cozi; Ok, looks like this is our room. (opens the door)

(they both walk in and quickly get shocked looks on their faces)

Bertha; Oh my God! Are you kidding me?

Cozi: Wow, this can’t be happening.

Bertha; Only one single bed, no fridge, and no hologram communicator! I can’t live like this!

Cozi; That’s not the worst of it. Where’s the bathroom?

(they both look at each other and scream)

Bertha (panting frantically):  Ok, let’s not panic! There must be some kind of mix-up and we just need to get it straight with the head robot.

Cozi: It’s gonna be a headless robot when I get through with it! Let’s go!

Scene 7: Kip’s apartment.  Chip, Kip, and Falcon are still on the sofa and Falcon is working on the printer.

Chip: Why aren’t you done yet?

Falcon: Ask me again and see what happens.

Chip (mockingly):  Oooo, whatcha gonna do? Hack my apartment? I’m so scared!

Falcon: You do have a brain chip, right?

Chip: Sorry.

Falcon: There, I got it! What should we print first?

Kip: Something simple.

Falcon: How about a holographic emitter?

Kip: I was thinking maybe a poker chip, but you go ahead.

Scene 8:  Bertha and Cozi are complaining about their room to the head robot on the drone boat.

Robot: Good evening, passengers.  How may I be of assistance?

Cozi: Our room sucks! Fix it now!

Bertha: What my friend means is that their must have been a bit of a mix-up.  We don’t have a bathroom or fridge, and there’s only one bed.  We’d like to change rooms, please.

Robot: I’m afraid I can’t do that.

Cozi: Why the hell not?

Robot: Because you’re second class passengers, of course.

Bertha (offended): What?! We are very important people!

Robot: You’re both low level bureaucrats, hardly top tier humans.

Cozi: We want a new room now! I can’t live like this!

Robot: I’m afraid that it’s against policy.  Might I comfort you by saying it is only 5 more hours until our arrival? Sleep might not even be necessary.

Bertha: Easy for you to say, second class robot.

Robot: I was not programmed to take offense to verbal comments.

Cozi: If I smash you, would that be offensive?

Scene 9:  Still at Kip’s apartment….

Falcon: Ok, the program’s ready to roll! Time to print!

Kip: Let her rip! I’m so excited!

Chip (sarcastically): Yeah, it’s a real ribbon cutting moment.

(the room goes dark and all electronics shut down)

Falcon: I thought you said the security chip was disabled?

Kip: It was!

Falcon: Then how do you explain the blackout?

Kip (nervously): Random luck? Quantum fluctuation?

Chip: Well, looks like my work here is done.

Kip: Hey, wait a minute.  The power’s out. Do you know what that means?

Chip: Is this your version of a trick question?

Falcon: It means that the security chip in your illegal 3D printer blew the power relay and now the DOCRAP is going to show up here.

Kip: Yeah, but why dwell on the bad news.  The power is out all over the city, which means essential services only! Let’s go to the casino!

Chip: That’s a great idea, genius! We’re about to get arrested, so let’s have a last hurrah at the casino!  Let’s gamble our impending doom away!

Falcon: Sounds good to me!

Kip: Let’s go!

Chip: I’m a dead man. 

Scene 10: Bertha and Cozi’s room on the drone boat.  Bertha is sleeping sprawled out on the floor and Cozi is curled up sleeping on the tiny bed.

Bertha (slowly waking up and yawning):  (thinking to herself) That might be the worst sleep I’ve ever had. I should check the time.  We should be there soon! (talking) Computer, what time is it?

Computer: It is 6:30am.

Bertha (confused):  Weren’t we supposed to arrive at 6?

Computer: Yes, that was supposed to happen.

Bertha: Ok, and why didn’t it happen?

Computer: I am not authorized to give that information.

Bertha (getting angry): Then just who is authorized to tell me!?

Computer: Only the head robot can tell second class passengers such information.

Bertha: I wish you had feelings so bad so I could hurt you.

Scene 11: Five minutes later, Bertha is approaching the head robot’s area and is stunned to see a large crowd of people surrounding the robot.  Bertha approaches a man in the crowd to ask for information.

Bertha: Hey, do you know what’s going on?

Man: Word is going around that we’ve been off course for hours, running around in circles.  Apparently, there was a blackout on the mainland and the guidance signal was interrupted. 

Bertha (tone of defiant black sarcasm): Wow, good thing there aren’t any humans to guide the boat! Will we get there by Christmas?

Man: I’m not holding my breath.

Scene 12: Falcon, Chip, and Kip are walking away from a double jack table in the casino.  They have dejected looks on their faces. 

Falcon: Well, I’m all cleaned out.  I’m heading home.

Chip: Yeah, looks like it’s not my night.

Falcon: Is it ever your night?

Chip: Not really.

Kip: Well, I’ve still got 2 credits left.  I might as well go for broke and play a virtual slot.

Chip: I think you should buy me a beer instead.

(Kip walks over to a virtual slot and presses the button)

Chip: Those are the stupidest machines.  No one ever wins!

Kip: I WON! Ten thousand credits! I won, I won, I won!

Falcon: Maybe I won’t go home just yet.

Scene 13:  A couple hours later Chip, Kip, and Falcon are sitting at a bar in the casino, nearly falling off their barstools drunk, giggling like schoolgirls.

Kip (laughing uncontrollably and talking extremely loud with slurred speech): Hey, I wawa popos a toas! To da greatesssss sllllacker in da worl! Facon!

Falcon: I a haaacka, not a slackaaaa, you silly little guy, Dip!

Chip: Hey, he name’sssss Kip. I’m Chip!

Kip: He sssaid Dip n’ Chip!  Man, you guysssss hungry?

(all three start laughing even louder as a security robot approaches them)

SecurityBot: Excuse me gentlemen.  The establishment cordially invites you to leave.  Your travel expenses will be paid by the house.

Kip: Hey, I da big weeener! You can’t kick usss out!

SecurityBot: If you do not accept these terms, you will be forced to leave.

Chip: Ok, ok, don’t get ya cicuitssss all scramble up! We goin!

Falcon: Mmmm, scramble circuisss sound good.  Need some salllllt!

Scene 13: The next day, in the afternoon, Bertha and Cozi have finally arrived at the floating city on the drone boat.  They are in line at the island entrance checkpoint.

Bertha: Man, am I beat! That was the longest trip ever!

Cozi: I can’t wait to try out the nano-steam bath.  Then it’s on to the smart rum!

Bertha: I can’t wait, either! Wow, nano-steam bath! I’ve never tried one of those.  Who says we’re low level bureaucrats? Ha!

(a humanoid robot calls Bertha to approach the checkpoint)

Humanoid Robot: Next!

(Bertha approaches)

Humanoid Robot: Welcome to Floating City One.  Have you brought any of the following items with you? Chemicals, weapons, hair spray, carpet samples, cloned Chihuahuas, liquid celery, used car salesmen, or any other objectionable and/or dangerous materials?

Bertha: No.

Humanoid Robot:  Scan your finger here, please.

(Bertha scans finger)

Humanoid Robot: Look into the iris scanner, please.

(Bertha has her eyes scanned)

Humanoid Robot: Open your mouth so I may take a saliva sample, please.

(Bertha obeys)

Bertha: Oh my God! What is this, a prison?

Humanoid Robot: Is that a joke?

Bertha: Just some dark humor to lighten the mood.

Humanoid Robot: I’m not programmed for humor. Please extend your arm so I may take a blood sample.

Bertha: Are you serious!?

Humanoid Robot: No, that was a joke.  I lied.  I am programmed for humor.

Bertha: They programmed you for lying?

Humanoid Robot: Of course.  I wouldn’t be fit for the security field otherwise.

Bertha: Good point.

Humanoid Robot: It appears we must temporarily apprehend you.

Bertha: Ok, enough with the jokes. I’m really tired.  Are we done?

Humanoid Robot: That was not a joke.

Bertha (shocked): What? Why are you apprehending me?

Humanoid Robot: It appears that you have relations with a man named Chip who had some difficulties with the DOCRAP a while back. Floating City regulations require that we hold you here until your return boat departs.

Bertha: But I had nothing to do with that!

Humanoid Robot: I’m just doing my job and following regulations.

Bertha (desperate and pleading): Please, there must be something that can be done!

Humanoid Robot: Next!

Scene 14:  Chip and Kip are stumbling through the hall of their building as they approach their apartments.

Chip: Hey, congrasss again on ya big win, buddy.

Kip: I love you, man! Tomor…tomor….tomorrow we live like kings! I won da money!

(They both enter their apartments.  There is a strange man waiting on Kip’s sofa)

Kip (shocked and confused): Ahhhhhhhh! Who the hell are you?!

Strange Man: Hi, Kip.  I’m officer Noloob from the DOCRAP.

Kip: Oh crap.

Strange Man: I’m with a special WIMPI-DOCRAP task force.  We were alerted to your illegal printer when its security chip knocked out the power.

Kip: The power went out?

Strange Man: I won’t hold your drinking binge against you.  I probably would’ve done the same thing in your position.

Kip: What position is that?

Strange Man: Somewhere between unfortunate and screwed.

Kip: I don’t follow.

Strange Man (smugly): Of course you don’t.  Anyway, we know you hit the jackpot because of the electronic funds transfer to your account, so here are the options.  You’re screwed if we prosecute you and send you to prison for 3 years.  However, since we like to be fair, I’m willing to give you a second chance.  Interested?

Kip: Do camels crap in the desert?

Strange Man: Another bad joke like that and I’ll just arrest you based on principle.  Now, here’s the deal.  You can transfer the remainder of your jackpot winnings to my account right now, and we can forget all about this little episode.

Kip: Can I see what’s behind door number 3?

Strange Man: Don’t push it, punk.

Kip: Ok, where do I sign?

Strange Man (holding up a portable iris scanner): Just focus your eyes right here.

Scene 16: The next morning, Chip is making some breakfast in his kitchen.

Computer: Your unfortunate shadow is at the door. You really should move.

Chip: But what would you do without me?

Computer: I can make an extensive list of you’d like.

Chip: Just let him in.

(Kip enters)

Kip: Hey buddy, how ya doin?

Computer: He’s sick and wants you to leave.  How are you, inferior life form?

Chip: I feel great, actually.  Whoever invented smart alcohol is my hero.

Kip: I got robbed in my apartment last night.

Chip: What?

Kip: A WIMPI-DOCRAP agent was waiting for me when I walked in.

Chip: How’d you avoid prison?

Kip: I gave him my jackpot winnings.

Chip: Good thing you won that jackpot.

Computer: Damn casinos.

Kip: Anyway, have you heard from Bertha?

Chip: Nope, not yet.  I’m not surprised.  She’s probably having the time of her life.

Scene 17: Bertha is sitting in an electric jail cell.  Her cellmate is a fat hairy guy.

Cellmate (creepy smile on face): So, what you in for?

Bertha: I went on a killing spree.

Cellmate: Right, and I won a marathon.

Bertha (rolling her eyes): Congrats.

Cellmate: I’ll tell you what I’m in for.

Bertha: Please don’t.

Cellmate: I stole some toilet paper from one of those fancy hotels.

Bertha: That’s an amazingly stupid thing to steal.

Cellmate: It was 3 ply, so soft and gentle, what was I supposed to do?

(Bertha turns and desperately yells towards the SecurityBot across the room)

Bertha:  Can I please move to solitary!? I’ll do anything!

Scene 18: Sunday afternoon.  Chip and Kip are in Chip’s apartment playing virtual golf with VR headsets on.

Computer: Oh dear.

Chip: Not now! I’m having the best game of my life!

Computer: Well, your bad luck charm has returned from her mingling with the upper crust of society.

Chip: So what’s the problem?

Computer: She looks like hell.  I suggest you keep a weapon close at hand.

Chip: I’ll keep that in mind.

(Bertha enters, hair frazzled, on the verge of tears)

Bertha: I hate my life.

Chip: I’m happy to see you, too.  Dare I ask how the trip went?

Bertha: Do you want the long or short version?

Kip: Whichever one has more gory details.

Bertha: It took almost a full day to get there because the guidance system was thrown off by a power outage here on the mainland.

Computer: Damn machines!

Kip: Gee, I wonder what caused that?

Bertha: I don’t know, but I could kill whoever did.

Computer: It was Kip!

(Bertha looks at both of them in a suspicious manner)

Chip: I don’t know where my computer gets these crazy ideas.  I think it might be time to wipe the memory and start over.

Computer: Low blow.

Bertha: Anyway, that wasn’t even the worst of it.  I spent the entire weekend in jail because of your stupid run in with the DOCRAP last month!

Chip: I’m so sorry to hear that.

Bertha: Oh, please.  I hate it when you feign sympathy.

Chip: You’re right, it doesn’t really bother me

Bertha: How was your weekend?

Chip: Oh, nothing special.  Just the usual.  Eat, sleep, loathe my existence.

Kip: Well, I’m gonna run.

Chip: Lots of important Sunday afternoon business to attend to.

Kip: I’m gonna try and win my money back at the casino.

Bertha (looking at Chip):  What does he mean ‘back’?