How I Became "the ASSHOLE", How It All Began

• Introduction -

This is the story of a once ordinary, even naive at that, young man.

The time frame is the college years, with all the cherishable memories; the sad and the joyful ones, the exciting and the usual ones, the "Hell Yeah" ones and "Oh No" ones...

Hopefully, you will be able to relate to most of them...

The narration is from the first person, so you should feel free to question the objectivity.

You will realize, as you read, that this sounds a lot like a diary.

                           -  Part 1 -

I will not dive into my childhood. My highschool years were pretty good. I was happy, had a lot of friends, and had a close circle with whom we would be able to chew the rag all the time.

My relationship with girls has always been good; I can say I was the golden boy of the class. I had good intentions; Never leered on anyone but, of course, had girlfriends, rejected some and got rejected, as well.

I went through it all in highschool, or so I thought... Life was only just beginning.

As I said, a good environment, a good highschool, a relatively good puberty brought a succesfull result in my University Entrance Exams. I was able to sign up to an above average university.

And THAT was the beginning of the story of How I Became "ME".

I will never be able to forget the very first day. I probably widened a couple inches because of the stress and the tension.

I mean, just think about it... You are just seperated from your beloved friends, your buddies who would finish your sentences, the girls who were never in a short demand, all your social joints, the pastry shops, your parents... It's all behind now.

And you are placed in a 60-person classroom full of people who are feeling EXACTLY how you are feeling. Can you feel the tension already?

The uniforms are gone, everybody is all dressed up, the first day of college...

Me and two fellas from the dorm who I met the previous nights entered the classroom, we were early apparently...

Then, some girls that one of the fellas knew and their other friends joined us as well, hence a 4 v 4 friendly situation came to be outside the class.

I was like, "Oh good, I'm making some friends at the very first day" but believe me you, I was so coming and going between the "Oh shit I better not do anything stupid" anxiety and, ironically, the nice ambiance that was coming to be.

At least everybody was warmhearted, so my anxiety was diminished a little.

We entered back into the classroom before the class was about to start and holy shit was the class like the back-goal of a soccer stadium. The first thing that caught my eye: 2/3 of the class was made up of girls. I was tearing up for crying out loud, I must have been in heaven.

We sat down to our chairs, chatting up with the front row, the back row asking questions to us and such... With all the whizling of the newly met people...

And as all this was happening, I saw THE girl, who, as the phrase is, was going to suck the life source out of me...

(Well, nowadays I actually don't think the situation was exactly like that but...

That's the change anyway. Am I satisfied with this way of thinking now? Me, the old me I mean, what would have happened if that poor little guy grew up without being "fucked up" ?

But I'm not gonna complain about that...)

There she was, sitting at the window-side, cross left of me.

I, on the other hand, was on the wall-side, leaning on it of course as per the habit, completely in a boothy manner. She was at least 10 feet away from me, with a couple of rows between us.

But at that very moment, that magical goddamn moment, I was so focused... As if it was just the two of us...

That whizling was almost unnoticable to me at that point, I wasn't listening to those around me nor understanding what the hell they were talking about. The only thing I was seeing was that beautiful face, smiling so excitedly while chatting with those around her... I was locked in, drifted away..

I'm not gonna lie here, I didn't score that many times in highschool. And falling in love ? What the hell was that ?

Well, I did have fondly emotions towards my girlfriends, but in the way that I was fond of my favourite chocolate, or the soap that airs once in a while, or that shirt that fits you so well...

I mean, what the hell was going on at that very particular moment anyway ? I had never looked at anyone this way before ! I was so unfamiliar with what I was feeling, I mean, holy shit! I'm almost 18 for god's sake, and I'm falling in love for crying out loud.

Even now, whenever I talk about "us" with my friends they always say, "Your thing was almost out of Hollywood, man"

It really started like a movie...

Everything was out of a well written script...

The naive young man, the cute and gorgeous girl, love at first sight and everything that fell into place after that...

I was not able to talk to her the first day but we had eye contact a few times (I mean of course I was practically staring at her anyway, some contact was bound to happen) . I even thought she smiled during one of those, which literally gave me a heart attack.

Some lecture was given that day, some people met up and exchanged contacts but I couldn't give one short and two curlies about all that stuff anyway, I was in a whole different world...

As you can very well guess, I couldn't sleep that night :)

This girl, whose name I didn't even know, was a classmate of mine for god's sake...

White - pale skin, straight black hairs going as low as her waist, her beautiful face, those big hazel-green eyes, the smile that was never absent from her face all the live long day, her sweet excitement... Everything that was making her all the more attractive...

She must be the love of my life...

Don't give me that "You are young, what "love of your life" are you talking about?" talk. You feel it sometimes, you say "Yes, she is the one". She had to be "the ONE", she would be "the ONE", she was supposed to be "the ONE"...

You would think it would be hard to get up in the morning and go to school back then. But with the first-days excitement and all that "love at first sight" was stronger than 10 cups of coffee for me.

After day 1, 3 , 5 WHATEVER... We finally had our first introduction and conversation after the first week;

Her name was Aysen, just the name worthy of my loved one...

We had chemistry class that day and we were in the lab. Of course, I had been staring at the woman for all the god damn week. On the one side I was like "I'm so gonna be labeled as the creep of the class" and on the other side I couldn't help myself at all. I was literally fighting myself, but it was such a one-sided one anyways... You see her wherever you look...

Anyhoo, there are rows in the lab, set up for the each of the six groups. It was like a library setting, you could see the other group in front of you. But the damn splitter was in such a place that I had to either crouch or elevate where I was standing to see her...

We started the experiment; she was in the group facing us. Of course I knew what was coming my way so I just dropped all the equipment, so I wouldn't embarrass the hell out of myself in front of everyone with my trembling hands and stuff.

I leaned on the desk, pretending to take notes, looking at you-know-who every chance I got. She caught me looking, and I immediately looked away. I mean what the hell ? I am looking at her just maybe, maybe we could have eye contact and when that happens, I look away...

That repeated a couple of times. At the very same time, I was a little embarrassed that I was making her uncomfortable but I also could not stop. Then I tried elevating so maybe she wouldn't notice and what do I see ? She was looking my way as well !!!

This time, I didn't look away, and she smiled all so mischievously that I died a little bit inside... It wasn't me anymore, it was a guy madly in love, a whole other person, a stranger in my own body...

She was wearing a blue eye-liner that day. Oh-my-god, is it possible to carry it more beautifully than her that way ? (Apparently I still remember it very vividly even today...)

All those glances at each other, all those smiles...

When the class ended, everybody started to pour to the exit, per usual, while she was staying a little behind. And with all the encouragement I said to myself "Yep, this is it. This is the moment. GO FOR IT."

I also stayed a little behind. (I mean what was I going to do at that young age anyway ? We would try to get through the door at the same time, I would let her go first and start the conversation bla bla bla.)

She started to approach the exit with her girl friend (I mean however close you can get in a week, that close a girl friend). I paced up a little, got ahead of them just so I could let them go first. Ffffst.

Anyway, it actually all turned out how I pictured it would. I stood aside and smiled, she said "Thank you" and smiled back, keeping eye contact...

I said "Hi", trying to back it up with my face gestures and stuff.

"Hi" she replied, laughing a little. My god, what a great voice... It was beyond my imagination.

"What's your name, I'm Lyubov."
"Aysen, nice to meet you. Where are you from?"
"Bursa, you?" (Attempting to smile again, in the meantime we are walking with all the books in our lap)
"Istanbul"

She told me about the trips she took to Bursa and I told her about my trips to Istanbul. With all this chatting up and stuff, we almost arrived at the shuttles when her hideous friend said "I was supposed to take copies from yours Aysen, shall we get to that?". (For god's sake woman.. We were so gonna sit side by side to the on the shuttle for a good half hour, would be such a good start. Damn !)

(Token of truth: somebody is bound to screw up your dreams and goals. It is what it is. You plan all the live long day and then someone comes along and takes a dump on it !)

I told them I could wait for them, to which the bitch replied "Nooooooo, you don't need to do that at all". (Did I ask you, woman ?) While walking to the shuttles I also had to chat with her as well but didn't really pay attention to her anyway. Was this a payback to that or what ?

And when my girl also said out of politeness "You really don't need to wait" and such, I just had to go. I mean what am I, a slimy bastard ? I got to that point with sooo many difficulties anyway, no way in hell would I be able to push further.

I got on the shuttle, swearing with my whole heart on the inside, of course. I just watched the ceiling that night; no sleep, no nothing.

To be continued...