[Reflections] Feelings Inside A Sailors Heart On 9/11

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Early morning fifteen years ago on September 11, 2001 I was sitting at my desk at what was then known as the National Naval Medical Center at Bethesda, Maryland. I worked at the Command Center of the Hospital we were in the front, first floor of the Hospital. It is usually an easy post and I had started my 12 hour shift at 6:45 am and was a couple of hours into my shift already. I was taking night classes so I was in the back reading one of the chapters. A Senior Chief walked in and asked us if we heard what happened. There was about 7 of us there and we looked at one another and shook our head no simultaneously. 

Turn the T.V. on. The Senior chief ordered. No one moved. 

Turn on the damn television. His voice higher. Some one got up and turned on the television. I don't remember who. 

The news was on and there was a video of one of the Twin Towers building with smoke coming out of it. The narrator was saying that they were unsure what happened. The were speculating a missile, a plane but unsure the intent.  At that moment a second plane hit the Tower. At that moment we all knew what was happening. I felt my heart drop. You know that feeling you get when you are on a roller coaster and the roller coaster is done climbing up and it stops briefly and than drop and you go down. The feeling of your heart dropping to your feet. Yeah that's what it felt like. 

It was quiet while everyone gathered around the television. Other sailors came in from other areas and stared at the t.v. What the fuck is going on? I don't remember much of the rest of the day. Announcements were made, groups gathered, assignments made, orders given, briefs initiated. I still  could not believe this. What the fuck just happened? At the last meeting we were being briefed by our Master Chief. He told us if our attachments were on the list that was going to be read off, go home, pack and wait for the call. You will be deployed. I heard mine called. What the fuck is going on? 

I don't remember driving home, the actual drive I mean. I do remember what I was thinking. I was thinking What the fuck is going on? That morning I was worrying about studying for my exam the next night. What the fuck am I going to tell my teacher? I'm sure he saw the news right?  My last ship, this small Destroyer that has since been decommissioned, was struck by a civilian merchant ship late one night playing war games off the shore of Virginia Beach. 

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We had some flooding and a gigantic hole, and we had to be pulled back in by the Coast Guard. When I called my mom the next morning when we got in to tell her I was o.k. she didn't know what the hell I was talking about. Maybe it's not that big, maybe he hasn't heard of it. I parked my car and turned the car off. I stayed in my car and took a deep breathe. What the fuck is going to happen? I opened the door and stepped inside the building and into my mother's apartment to pack my sea bag.  

When I walked in my mother was sitting on the couch and my Aunt was siting across from her. They both turned to me. I walked up to my mother and sat on her lap and pulled my legs up. I wrapped my arms around her and I laid my head on her shoulder and tears started coming down my face. 

When are you leaving? My mother calmly asked. 

I'm going to get a call sometime in the next 24 hours. I cried out softly. 

My mother was use to me leaving, traveling internationally. But this was not a plane trip to meet my ship in Italy. This was not a ship deployment where we partied and hit ports that catered to our every whim. This was war. The president had not declared it but come on this was war! 

I cried softly on my mother's shoulders. I don't know how long I stayed there crying. My mother rocking me. I was 20 years old. I had joined the Navy at 17 years old. This was my fourth duty station, my first two were  ships. I was not new to this but this was different. This is the what if everyone always asked about. 

I later packed my sea bag and was called at 5 am the next morning with orders on my next mission. I went willingly and with pride. I'm not ashamed I cried, I am only human. I didn't and never have regretted my decision to join the military but will never forget that day. 

img credit: Cat M. Morrison