I love everything about this post except for two words. I will get to that, but first I want to say your honesty is not only appreciated its radiant. We are, all of us, many different things. To ourselves, to our children, to our spouse, to our friends. It's what makes us interesting. Okay, the two words. Addict and disease. We have been told from the time we were young that we are not in control. Not outright of course, in fact sometimes the very people who tell you that you are an addict will say that you control your destiny. But it's a tug of war that will pull you apart, because they are antithesis not symbiotic. You like chemicals, or a particular chemical. You like how it makes you feel, and also hate it with the same passion for the same reason, am I right? You think you are weak because you haven't given it up, that when you've made it through a day, a week, a month then "slip up" you are a failure. The connotations associated with "addict" and "disease" are self-defeating. They turn you into a victim. Even though by just this simple piece I can see that you are not. If you've gone to programs, or currently do, my recommendation is to stop. They ask you to talk about your childhood and suddenly you find yourself, maybe even subconsciously, blaming something or someone other than you for the choices you've made. But it's all you. It's in your hands. And every day, every moment even, is new. It's a chance for a reset. If tomorrow you don't touch this drug, you've hit the reset button. If the next day you do, oh well, you can hit the reset button again. Once you realize, truly real-eyes it's your choice it will begin to lose its hold. Those coined terms are a part of the propaganda we've been buried in our whole lives, designed to keep us in fear and take away our power. I know, because I have been there. And I revisit. They would call that a failure, take away your "chip" and make you feel like you've lost ground. Sorry, I didn't mean to write a book here, I just felt compelled to give you hope. Also, it seems to be a common issue among creative people, overdoing a substance. Maybe it's just because we're inherently curious. It's not the doing of it, it's the letting it take over that makes it "bad" for us. In my humble opinion of course. You're free to disagree :) But know that you are beautiful. And for you to be here, putting your thoughts into this amazing creative space, you are special, and you are stronger than you may ever give yourself credit for. Much love to you.