My Horrible Bumble Date Experience

My Horrible Bumble Date Experience

Backstory and Explanation:

For those who don’t know, bumble is a social and dating app. One of my best friends brought it to my attention last year when she told me that she met one of her friends on there. I was really confused because 1) I thought it was strictly a dating app and 2) she has a boyfriend. Apparently, Bumble has a BFF setting that you can use to find friends. Having just moved to LA, it was kind of hard to meeting friends. It was also extremely hard for me because I'm about 75% introverted. So I decided to check it out, I wasn’t new to the dating app world and I wanted to see how the BFF setting was like. I now have really great friends that I met on there that are not crazy! I was really surprised. After a long while, I became curious…

So I decided to cross over to the dark side.

Like I said, I’ve had my experience in the dating app world. Bumble is definitely different from the rest. Maybe it’s the area I live in, but good God almighty at the time I was seriously like “IS THIS REAL LIFE?” So many attractive men who seemed to have great jobs and their sh*t together…had me like:

For those who don’t know how Bumble works, after you enter your information (name, bio, distance and age preference) you’ll come across your first photo of a person. You have the option to either swipe left if you are not feeling them or right if you are interested. If they’ve swiped right on your picture, then you two will match and the women has 24 hrs. to message the guy.

I came across a picture of this guy. We’ll call him Sebastian. Now, Sebastian wasn’t really my type. However, I decided to look past that and give him a chance.

So I swiped right, and we immediately matched.

“You never know, Desireé” I said… “He could turn out to be amazing” I said.

The Meet Up

Catfish, people. Total catfish. Okay not technically, but he definitely looked different in person than the pictures on his profile and not in a good way. He lied about his height too by the way which is so annoying. You know what? Side note, I’m going to go off on a little rant for a second. Why do some guys do that? This wasn’t the first time that happened to me. Don’t say you’re 6’3 when you are really 6’1 or in his case, don’t say you’re 6’2 when you are really 6’0. THE INCHES COUNT WHEN YOU'RE A TALL GAL (unless you like men shorter than you and if that's the case ain't nobody stopping you girl go on witcho bad self!). Anyways…

First thing he did the first few moments upon meeting me:

He kissed my cheek. I’m not talking about a peck. I’m talking about full on lips touching my cheek for a good 3 seconds…saliva and all.

I should of ran back my car at that point but the truth of the matter is, I’m just too nice (I know, I know). So we had plans to go to two places. One to a shopping complex area to eat lunch and then to a museum. Since we planned on going to two places, we decided to go in one car.

I wish I can go back in time to punch myself in the face.

NEVER GET IN A CAR WITH A PERSON YOU DON’T KNOW UNLESS IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH. NEVER. EVER. DO. WHAT. I. DID. LEARN. FROM. MY. MISTAKE. PLEASE. LIKE I COULD’VE SERIOUSLY DIED LIKE WHAT IF HE WAS A MURDERER LIKE I WAS SO STUPID. DON’T DO IT.

So I get in his car right…it’s a really nice car and this guy totally knew it too and not in a good way. Picture a deranged animal SPEEDING down the streets of LA, cutting everyone off in sight like

While my life was in danger, he goes completely psycho on the people who cut HIM off, chased them down, pulled up next to them at stop lights, rolled down MY window, yelled at them, flipped them the bird...and meanwhile I’m over here sinking into my seat like

I kid you not, that happened about FOUR TIMES that whole car ride and I am not exaggerating. So I’m in my seat, silently holding on to dear life, reciting the Lord’s prayer in my mind, asking God for forgiveness and to please spare my life. At the same moments, he's talking about himself the whole time. I instantly regreted ever downloading that damn app.

Destination # 1

We finally arrived to the restaurant of his choice. I sensed a bit of arrogance the first 10 minutes of being with him, but boy did he really let it all out the moment we sat down. And he complained about EVERYTHING. We would be having a conversation and then he’d cut me off and quickly go on a short rant about something random and irrelevent. One thing that really turned me off was the fact that he made fun of a woman who walked by thinking he was hilarious. He kept snapping his fingers to get our waiter’s attention. He also ate like a straight up pig. Actually, pigs have more table manners than this guy. He talked with his mouth full, smacked his mouth all over the place, kept on burping. He also kept talking about the topic of marriage and he made it clear that he was looking for a wife. I honestly believed that his mission was to make ME his wife because he kept referring to me as his girlfriend and also his future wife throughout the whole day.

(By the way, after the day ended I made sure to create a system with my friends. This system contains a code word. I tell them the code word, they call me, then I have an excuse and a chance to leave in peace...and in one piece). However, at this particular time, there was no code. And I’m a terrible liar. I didn’t know what this guy was capable of or if he was indeed a psycho…and I didn’t want to trigger any hostility by abruptly ending the date. I didn’t want to die that day. I also didn’t have my car with me because I rode with him, so I was pretty much stuck. I mean worst case scenario, I could of Ubered back to get my car, but it was in the garage of his apartment complex in which I needed him to open the garage. SO ya, I didn't know what to do.

Learn from my mistake people: when you are going on a date with a person you’re meeting for the first time…MEET THEM THERE. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID AND GET IN THE CAR WITH A STRANGER! DON'T DO IT PLEASE I BEG YOU! STRANGER DANGER!)

Destination # 2

After having to sit through another car ride from hell, we get to the museum. Another thing he kept on mentioning way too much was this exhibit that was temporarily at the museum. The way he talked it up, you’d think we were going to see the Mona Lisa or something. I love museums, so I wanted to give it a try.

One of my pet peeves is when someone is really loud for no reason. HE WAS LOUD FOR NO REASON. He also kept on poking me. You know, that thing people do to flirt when they poking your sides to tickle you or tapping your shoulder and quickly pretending they didn't do it to make you think that someone else did it. Ya, he did that. I wouldn’t have mind it if I actually liked him and if he didn’t over do it but this is literally how it went:

1st time: "Lol…"

2nd time: "…Lol okay."

3rd time: "LOL Okay dude i know it was you."

4th time: Didn’t even acknowledge the fact that he poked me because I already knew it was him, hella annoyed.

5th time: I just looked at him and he finally got the hint. I didn’t want to be like “STOP TOUCHING ME” because I was thinking he had psychotic tendencies and I didn’t want to die.

After waiting in line for an hour, We finally go into the exhibit that he wouldn’t stop talking about. Let me put it nicely…it’s sucked. It definitely wasn’t worth all of that hype and hour long wait. The whole time in that exhibit, he bombarded me with facts of what it was about that I was not interested in it at all but I had no choice but to pretend like I kind of cared like

Because, again, he was a psycho. And I didn’t want to die.

Our time in the museum didn’t last too long. We walked around and sat for a little bit, and ended up having a really random conversation about astrology. Honestly, that was the most interesting part of the whole experience. I finally made up an excuse that I needed to go home because I had a paper due, since I take online classes. Partially true. I took online classes at the time. My paper was due that Sunday and this was a Wednesday.

Let me explain to you how I acted the entire time. Usually when I meet someone, with a friend or with my current boyfriend, I am obviously my normal self. I’m goofy and I love to converse with others. With Sebastian, I was the complete opposite. I figured that if I acted kind of like a beeotch then I wouldn’t have to go through the awkwardness of telling him that this isn’t going to work out because he wouldn’t like me anyways. I mean, who wants to date a stuck up prude right? Remember, I was trying to avoid not making him angry…because he’s a psycho…and I didn’t want to die. In a normal situation, I would of totally told a dude that it wasn't going to work out. I thought I pretty much put him off by my lack of interest in him but to my horror this is what Sebastian said to me while we were waiting in a long line for the tram to take us back to the parking lot:

“I just LOVE your personality! I really do!”

Me on the inside and outside:

The End

I already expected the ride from hell back to his place. Still held on to dear life…still prayed for my life. He even had the audacity to ask me if I wanted to stay and watch movies with him. HAAAAA!

You can bet your bottom dollar that I blocked him from EVERYTHING once I got home and never saw him again.