Alright! I see a lot of improvement here compared to the other one, although you still have a severe lack of articles in certain places. You could make good use of Grammarly if you're not using it already.

The pace of the writing is decent if this were a long novel, but I feel that this is supposed to be a story. For a short story, the rhythm is too slow and there is a serious need for a more attractive word selection and clearer narration stages (setting, conflict, climax, falling down, denouement), because it feels like half of the story is introduction and the parts are very disproportionate.

The theme is very nice! I like the way that you choose the images to fit the color palette of your narration. I also love the theme selection in itself, and I feel like I could write a story based in a similar world. I'll think about it. Thank you for the inspiration. :)