Valentine

I hate feeling like you resent me, but I do. I felt that you resented me for making the money I made before I got hurt and now I feel that you resent me because I don’t make any money. So, you pay the mortgage now, well I paid it the whole 7 years we were together prior to my injury (and since 2000), even when it took my last bit of savings to do so. And when you started to pay and it wasn’t because you volunteered, it was because I had to tell you to, after I took out credit card debt to keep up with it. You have never been forthright in contributing to our family, I’ve always had to tell you to participate. When we first married, you tried to get away with not paying anything, until I ended up telling you to pay the bills at least. You let me pay for our wedding and never attempted to pay for any of it, even when you had gotten some money, until I stayed on your ass about it and you finally gave me 1/8 of the cost of what I spent.

You resented me for having to pay for some of Ethan’s birth, but my insurance paid for almost all of it, and I have paid for our family insurance ever since, even now, and you still bitch if you have a co-pay.

You resented me for getting a tax refund, but again never had you even gotten a refund by your own admission, now you figured you are entitled, even though you know I had always gotten one. I had never had to pay in to taxes until you decided to change your contributions without telling me a few years ago and that ended in me paying $600.00 for it.

If you think this is hard on you, try my shoes. I lost my career due to this injury. A career that I loved. And to top it off, nobody here in MS believed me, at least that is how it felt. To this day, I don’t think you or anybody in your family believes me, why? I’m not sure, probably because I suck it up and try to take part and still be there for them even when I am in pain, I endure. I never ended up on any prayer list at their church, we never received any financial help from anybody on your side of the family to help us with our bills, at least that I know of. Yes, dad gave you a loan to pay off the floors, but that was only a loan and was re-paid and I had already paid for the majority of the bill. The $50 we received from Mom and Dad for a Christmas present we spent on grocery, so that is sort of help, I guess.

On the other hand, my family and friends have consistently helped me/us, financially, spiritually and mentally. They are the only reason I haven’t gone into financial default too bad or out of my mind through all of this. My mom, my uncle John, my aunt Ann, my aunt Gina, my cousins Pete and Paul, my sister Marilyn, my niece Heather, my friends Kim, Dawn, Katheryn, Dan, Sarah, Karen have all helped me pay for legal help, bills and/or food for our family, Dawna and Ann and even Dad and George before he died have been there for my soul and mental health and in trying to help with fixing this house. I think for the most part that these people know me, and love me and trust me and know that I loved my job and what I did for a living and they also know that I wouldn’t find it easy to give it all up. But you don’t seem to realize my loss at all.

You try to say I have been taking everything out on you? Well that is BS and you know it. You are the one that misplaces things and blames me and when you find them you never apologize for being an ass. You spill things and get pissed off at me. I don’t know what you think I should be doing, but you should know that I do what I can, when I can and often pay the price for doing too much. I will admit there are times when I hurt bad and may be a little short with Ethan, but I try hard not to do that and if I did, I apologize to him which is more than I can say for you towards me.
I don’t have anything else to offer you. Sorry you thought you were marrying for money and it didn’t work out for you. At least I gave you a beautiful son, which is more than any of you other wives did. I love him and I know you do to, so we have that in common, but little else apparently.

I am tired of birthdays and holidays coming and going and nothing from you. You never think enough of me to even try to do something special for me. It is always a hindsight thing with you. So, for this Valentine’s day I give you an OUT. I think perhaps we need to split while we are still friends on some level so Ethan doesn’t have to deal with the ugliness that comes out of two people not liking to be around each other anymore.

I ask that you and your family refrain from speaking ill of me and my family. I don’t like the obvious racism that is in your family and don’t care for Ethan to be exposed to hate. I wasn’t brought up to dislike people that are different from me, whether it be race, creed, color, sexual orientation, political differences or religion. If I find out that this is happening, I will definitely re-think any custody arrangements we have made, but I do want him to have opportunity to know and love both sides of his family. I expect for things to be asked of me, I don’t want his head shaved, his eyebrows trimmed or shaved or his feelings hurt from being called names like half-breed.

We gave it 8 years. You are not the person I thought you were when we met and I obviously am not the gal you thought you were getting. I will leave the marriage with what I came with and you will do the same. I guess you will always be able to collect my social security, so that is something of a win for you.

That’s my thought for this day 2/12/2018, I don’t know if I will give this to you are not yet. That will remain to be seen.