June 04, 2016

On the island—-

Had terrible stomach pains—-followed by being sick.

For the first time ever, I felt seasick on the ferry crossing.

Gross discharge.

Two days till my Aunt flow is to start.

The bed here at our hotel is super comfy. I don’t know if it’s extra comfy due to feeling ill and tired....or it is that comfortable.

My cramps seem to come and go. I feel worried and then I don’t feel worried.

I hate beating myself up for letting him lead me on again.

He said he loved me. And then the next day told me that he can never see me again.
Why do I fall for this over and over again?

June 05, 2016

Weird discharge. Brown.

Slight cramping today.

I feel sad. Trying not to feel sad. Mom said to write out everything so I’m not feeling it bottled up inside.

But I don’t how to write the pain I am feeling. I fell for his lines again, his saying he needs me. I’m the only one who gets him....then while I was sleeping he wakes me with kisses. We finished and I lay next to him feeling content. He said he loved me, but I didn’t say it back.
I keep thinking if I had said it back, then he wouldn’t have said “after this we can never see each other again, I don’t think we can be friends anymore....I have to go back.”

I wasn’t holding him back. I wasn’t giving him an altimatium. He wasn’t in a relationship and neither was I. But sometime in the night the mother of his daughter wrote to him. And that Morning after telling me he loved me, he told me we could never see each other again.

Here I am travelling to forget and not grieve what only happened a weeks earlier. Laying in a bed overlooking the harbour of Victoria.

June 06th, 2016

He messaged me.

I didn’t reply.

June 13th, 2016
He messaged asking to borrow $100 for food. He says his mother will not loan him money for groceries.
I don’t reply.
I send the money.

Why did i send the money? I’m so stupid.

Late June I start having symptoms....no period. Something has changed.

I’m too scared to take a test.
Soup and crackers have become my friend.

I’ll find out in the next month I am pregnant.