[Zuton] : Lights out (3)
The concrete floors did little to prevent the sound slipping through. If you were here last week, you would've heard the racket right through the building from the robots.
Without a commcast, it's impossible to see the network of people around you. Is she the only resident left in the building?
She pushes herself up from the sofa, still holding onto her phone. The empty bottle of whiskey on the end table rocks as she gets up off the sofa. Staggering to one side, she sighs and further rubs her eyes, far too much to drink last night.
Her phone dings and vibrates in her hand.
(2) New Message Notifications
She enters her unlock pattern and clicks onto the message. The darkness fills the room almost instantly afterward.
Mentally and physically.
New messages from Unknown
you have 7 minutes to get out of that apartment
i will be waiting by block b4-4 and i am leaving in 6 minutes 50 seconds
In the pitch black darkness, her jaw drops and she stumbles backward. The bottle topples and it dinks off the corner of the end table. She can hear it half spin in the air before it crashes onto the concrete floor. The building falls silent for a moment.
There are some loud mumbles from below, followed by what sounds like a shouted order.
Sia was unable to move. Stuck in a panic and frozen in place; the fear consumes her and shuts her down.Staring forward into the pitch black darkness, the sounds of movement and shouting from below grow louder. In the darkness, the sounds are amplified.
Managing to snap out of the shock, she looks down swiftly at her phone and activates the flashlight. When the light floods the room, she finds her feet again, her heart is beating as if it's out of her chest. She doesn't have time for hanging around.
Turning on her heels, she faces the direction of the door and bolts for it. As she puts her first foot ahead of herself to finally bring herself forward, a shard of glass below punctures her foot and digs deep into the arc of her sole. The pain shoots up her leg and sends her toppling down to the floor. The phone from her hand flies up and crashes back down onto the concrete in front of her. As she falls downward to the ground, she extends her arms to reach for the inevitable crash landing; her right wrist snaps backward upon impact to the solid floor.
Half crippled, lying in the dark over the shards of a bad mistake. The last thing she sees as the door swings open is her phone.
New message from Unknown
do not break
All code blocked pieces of text are open for interaction. If you have a suggestion and would like to see some different text within the code blocks, leave your comment below. When the next part is uploaded, the edits will be finalized.
Also, suggestions and ideas for the next part are appreciated and considered.
< Ice pops
"Panicked and struck with shock, Sia is frozen in place and unable to move."
This feels like it needs improvement, but I do not have ideas. Maybe someone else can pitch in.
I don't like the two 'ands'. I would consider the use of dashes or semi-colons, e.g. frozen in place; unable to move. Maybe this is just my personal style/preference, especially coming from poetry. Would love to hear other's thoughts.
Also, the wrist pop is too cringey for me. I can barely look at the line again or think of it. WOW. Gross! I am just weak hahaha, but it is good as writing.
This is not interactive in itself, but I do have a suggestion.
" If you were here last week, you'd of heard the racket right the way through the building from the robots."
you would've heard*
the ending of the sentences doesn't sit with me either. Maybe "the way" seems extra and unnecessary. "right through the building" makes more sense, but there is still something off about the sentence.
Awesome feedback @poetrybyjeremy, this is exactly the kind of response I'm looking for on these posts. It helps out an awful lot.
I think you're right about the use of dashes and semi-colons. It's something I don't use them much and it would help my writing out a lot of I understood where to use them.
I'll get an edit done shortly and make the changes! Just getting myself some food.
Thanks very much bud! This is great.
Do take your time, and I am glad to help. I tend to use the dashes and semi-colons too frequently, but I do find them useful to create a different rhythm. Variation is key in writing. The pauses they bring can even create more drama at times.
Ok, I'm sucked into the story now and want more. I'm really bad at coming up with changes though. I've stared at them for a while now without any good ideas. So for now, I will just continue as a reader vs. writer 🙂. The wrist pop stood out to me like @poetrybyjeremy by I would like "shattered" better because I think of "pops" as just a joint sound like popping your knuckles. Probably a regional thing though. Great work.
I actually like pop, rather than shatter, especially if this is the main character.
The pop or maybe grind can spin off into many directions, while a shatter mostly puts her out of the game.
Pop is more authentic. Can you imagine the wrist popping out? It pops out of its place kind of thing. That's what I imagine. Way worse than breaking.
It must be a personal thing. My knee pops out of place almost daily, but if it shattered..... To the hospital I go.
Possibly, you may be right. It depends how you perceive it. But a knee popping and a wrist popping would be different. Again, I have no personal experience with popping stuff and I am barely breathing talking about this hahahha
I'm glad you are enjoying the story mate! I'm trying to build up the suspense every post. More questions, more questions :)
That's a good point. I'll go over it and see if shattered or popped sounds better given what could happen in the future parts. I'm not even sure you can pop your wrist out to be honest, is it a ball and socket joint? Haha.
I am not huge into nonfiction, but you do a great job with the details and flow to bring the reader into the story.
I can totally see you being a successful author in the future.
Thanks for the encouraging words. It's good to hear from you.
It's funny when I was a kid, I always used to say I wanted to be an author. It's weird how things work out!
If you keep up what your doing here, like you are, eventually it could easily be compiled into a book.
That would be very cool. I'll have to see where it ends up!